Days before the end of my exams..

Dear God,

its now only about 2 days before my family law paper. then after family law, i'll rush home to study for my law and econs paper. doesn't look too good.. i'm not really very enthu about law n econs cos i simply don't understand many of the concepts! i guess i'm not very cut out for economics stuff.

but God.. i just want to learn how to live my life by Your standards again. to walk in Your will constantly, not diving in and out of it all the time, double-minded and emotional. help me to learn how to trust You, that all things work together for the good of those who love You. that i will not lean on my own understanding but trust in Your ways. i'm so tired but i gotta persevere on for another 2-3 days. then after that its time to really enjoy.. but somehow i don't think i got the mood to enjoy, knowing that i'm not going to do too well for my exams. i can only hope for the best, that You take care of my situation. i dunno how is that possible cos i've already tried my best to study, n shockingly only in the final 2 weeks did i really "wake up" and start mugging. i don't know how shaun n yongji do it, they seem to be able to breeze thru exams by mugging the last few days. but i can't.. i'm the type who need to work consistently. pls, let me remember this next semester!! God i don't want to follow anyone's method, but to do what is pleasing in Your sight. what is suitable for me, is probably different from other people...

Lord, i'm a sinful person.. becos sin helps me to escape from reality for a short while, to falsely forget about all my problems.. but yet i should be learning to cast my cares upon You. yet i feel spiritually lethargic. like as if i don't want to do spiritual things anymore, i don't want to pray, or to go bible study, or to go church even. yes, i still go, cos i need to. its a habit. its a decision i made. but i don't want to lose the passion for the decision!! the mind can decide, even when the heart strays. i always deal in logic, but sometimes, logic doesn't enable me to walk in salvation.

refresh me oh Lord... change my heart oh Lord, make me ever true... change my heart oh Lord, may i be like You.. how can i ever be like Jesus, spotless and wrinkle-free.. only by taking heed according to Your Word, may a young man cleanse his way. that proverb is so true! without Your Word, i'll just crumble n fall. so please, speak to me... take me into Your sanctuary, of peace, of love, of contentment... help me fight the weak flesh of my body oh Lord!

in Jesus name,
Amen...!

God let this be the most sincere prayer ever in 2006 from me to You

Dear heavenly Father,

Today is good friday. the day when 2000 years ago, Jesus died for all of humanity's sin and went to the cross, enduring all for the sake of what was set before Him. Tml i just know i'm going to cry and weep at the whipping and scourging of Jesus when Pilate captured Him and tried to make Him deny Himself.

Jesus...

I know that there isn't much I can say to You. You are a most Holy God, You did so much for me and yet what have I done for You this year?

Nothing except bring trouble to Your people and make things worse for myself. I've not glorified You in my studies, nor in my school, nor in my family. Oh God how i disappointed i am that my brother refused to come for easter service. I'm so sorry, i couldn't possibly want anything more this year than for my brother to be saved! i didn't try hard enough.. yet i pray that You will continue to inspire me and encourage me, to never give up on his salvation.

Oh Lord, i don't want to turn this into a giant prayer list, but a devotion to You and You alone. For surely out of all the weekends in a year, out of all the days in the year, two days belong to You alone. Easter and Christmas. The days of Your physical birth and Your resurrection from the dead.

Jesus, i want to say thank You.

Thank You for always being there for me. Holy Spirit, i know the only reason why i still stand, why i still have the strength and the courage to face another day, is because of Your strength that runs in me. Yet as it leaks, as i leak faith.

Thank You for believing me again and again, no matter how many times i failed, no matter how many times i relasped into sin, no matter how many offences i committed against You and Your peoplele, You forgave me, washed my sins clean, and did it all in advance for me, 2000 years ago!! hallelujah!

Thank You Lord Jesus, for the wonderful family i'm in. Bless my dad and mum, even as they're overseas, i pray that my uncle n aunt who are ministers really show them the love of Christ, that one day, my whole household WILL be saved in Your name! Let my father get a good job, not just to foot the bills, but one that brings him satisfaction as well. Let my mother find a good ministry where she can use her skills in line dancing to minister to people. God i really pray that my parents will get saved soon and join Your church, cos i think they are wonderful people, i love them so much, i want them to enjoy Your presence, to really live life with meaning in it!

Thank You Lord, secondly, for the wonderful family in Christ that i have. City Harvest Church, the one place where i feel my spiritual family is. Not that i love my natural family any less, but in church, i really find my place there.

Jesus as i listen to the song Forgiven.. it really reminds me of the first few easters i had in church, when i sat almost in the front seats, watching the drama, watching the person playing You being whipped, the blood n agony on his face, doing all this for the millions of billions of people who have walked the earth, but then again, You did it all for me too.

Forgiven.. we're given a chance to go on living, to really appreciate what You've done for us, forgiven by Your great love... truly what meaningful lyrics, words that i yearn to sing for You!

dear God, thank You.. never again will i think my life a waste of time, never again will i sin wilfully against You, knowing that it is written on the tablets of my heart, that Jesus, Your blood was bled for me, Your tears were cried for me, Your life was given in exchange for my sins.. the 7 great exchanges on the cross.. You took my poverty, my sickness, my sinfulness, my fears, my weakness, took everything that is not right in Your eyes, the filth of my flesh, and crucified it all on the cross!

i pray that it is not all emotional talk and mambo jumbo, but that of today, i am really changed in Your presence...

truly nothing changes a person quite so much like a touch from You, a touch from heaven, the hand of God coming into my life, moving me, touching me deep within, stirring up a passion for You in my heart, relighting the fires of evangelism, burning passion for Your name!

oh well those guys don't wana share the wonderful song forgiven, but nevermind. The path of the righteous is straight and narrow, and often it is a path i have to walk alone. i will walk with others of the same faith, or of equal yoke, but not all will stay with me along the whole route. some will pass me by being faster, some will falter and stumble, yet others will head sideways, distracted. but nevertheless, let me always be the one who walks beside You, as a servant, as a friend, as a child of God, as a brother of Christ, to partake in Your suffering and rejoicing.

its so wonderful today, worshipping at Your throne. the cell group prayer meeting today wasn't exactly the best in terms of musical standard, it isn't the best in eloquance of prayer language, it wasn't the best in terms of flow, it wasn't the best in terms of deep intellectual verses and phrases. yet the most important thing, it was to me, the best prayer meeting i've had in a long time. in fact, it is the ONLY prayer meeting i've had in a long time!

Father, i pray that N280 will be so united, to love and bring people into the house of God. i really want to have a strong cell group of 21 strong disciples of Christ, members who love God with all of their heart, not hesitating to do Your will at Your every call. i want to be able to stand with all of my members, guitar in hand, worshipping You and bringing down the strong presence of God, letting the presence saturate and fill the entire meeting place, let it come down so thick that even the new comers will feel it and stand awed and amazed at Your majesty!!

in closing Lord, let my love for You burn strong once again, let my love for the cell group and its members burn strong as well. For this, shall all men know, that you are my disciples, that you have love, one for another. the verse which You have given me today, for the cell group, for my life as well. let it be done according to Your Word!

Hallelujah!

In Jesus most precious and wonderful name,
Amen!

i'm sorry Shawn for coming against you thru the "backdoor"...

Well this isn't exactly a public apology since its a private blog (or rather supposed to be a private blog, i have no idea how so many people get my blog address, i only broadcast it when i finish new chapters of the End of Days story and i thought the normal reaction is just to read it thru n say "oh cool!" and forget about the address but apparently pple do check on my blog even when i don't know it! amazing) but nevertheless i believe i won't be able to sleep until i say it.

I'm truly sorry for all the nonsense i sprouted without properly understanding the situation. no wonder the Bible says a fool says all that is in his heart. yujie already warned me before about writing nonsense on the blog because someone will read it and someone will take offense or be stumbled by what i write. i pray to God that i don't stumble anyone, yet it may already have happened for all i know.

I'm so sorry, in fact i thought you were gonna scold me when you called, and i was ready to take it. i knew whatever it was, i should've trusted you. like what pastor said before, if you can't see God's hand moving, trust His heart. if i can't see the logic behind the activity, i should still trust your intentions for the cell group members.

now in case anyone thinks i'm forced to write this, i'm not. i'm truly repentant for what i did. i'm really so sorry, it shouldn't have been him calling me to apologise, no, it should be me apologising for all the stupid things i said.

nevertheless, i can't take words back even if i delete the entry. but i can make amends, i can improve my attitude and i can get back on track. this isn't about me being right or making my point, its about being able to humble myself, accept things i don't yet understand, and trust pple that God has placed in my life. maybe cos i was hurt once by a certain leader, i've always had the misconception that leaders while having good intentions, are so strict almost to the brink of ruthlessness when dealing with flaws in my life. but then again, isn't that what the Bible says? if an arm causes me to sin, cut it off, if an eye causes me to sin, pluck it out, becos better for me to go to heaven with a few parts missing, then for my whole body to go to hell.

(haha, think about that you LDOT lobbyists!)

this is the second time i wrote nonsense against a leader, i must really watch my language and attitude. God i know You always give me second chances, i know You always believe in me, i'm not asking for cheap grace, but i'm asking You to help me change my attitude, to live my life by the Word of God, not by feelings or emotions.

so finally before i continue work on my assignment...

I'm sorry for a rebellious attitude. From now on, i'll support you and listen to you, as I did when yujie was my leader.

Judges 5:2,9

When the leaders lead in Israel, when the poeple willingly offer themselves, bless the LORD! My heart us with the rulers of Israel who offered themselves willingly with the people. Bless the LORD!

Minor annoyance...

Dear God,

yes i know i'm not in any position to complain, but i just want to make it clear that i'm not happy with the way certain people do things.

it was a good cell group, the worship was better than last week, really felt the presence of God singing Majesty.. dragged a little bit, but much better than previous cg. though the message was heard before a few times, i guess it really brought faith into the cg.. i dunno about the others, but myself, i was ready to go lay hands on the sick after the sermon! haha.. such a is blind faith, trusting God for everything.

now, what i'm not happy about (i'm not gonna kid myself n say what i was not happy about cos right up till now i am still not very happy about it) is the way i'm forced to do something. and not just asked nicely, but reprimanded into it. totally pissed me off, n if not for the sake of the younger members, i'd have blown my top.

yeah i know the Bible says he who is slow to wrath is a man of great understanding.

yeah i know when the leaders lead in Israel and the people follow the leaders, well, praise the Lord.

yeah i know You are the God who took the Israelis out of the land of Egypt so You could be their God.

all the verses from various parts of the Bible. but why would they make sense to me unless You use the verses to speak through the Word to me?

before anything else let me clarify that i have nothing against learning the Word of God, i think it is wonderful to be able to quote scriptures to encourage yourself or others, or to use as weapons against negative circumstances, to justify beliefs in the Bible, or whatsoever reason.

yet i feel being forced to do something in the cell group, not forcing one person but a whole lot of guys, is ridiculous.

what is freedom? what is liberty? during BS i learnt that "true liberty comes from being able to be free to do what God wants me to do."

thus the paradox. if God wants me to do it, do i want to do it on my own? does the flesh delight in good deeds, or is it the spirit in me? obviously the flesh delights in sin and selfishness. but if God wants me to do something n I hear from Him, i will fight my flesh to accomplish God's Word. Lord, You know that i mean what i say and say what i mean. i am clear in conscience and clear in my motives and mannerism.

yet, i was still very annoyed. becos what good will memorising verses, the fullstop and inverted commas and whatnot, when it is done out of a duty? not out of love, not out of self-interest, but out of pure obligation. no, not even obligation, but out of pressure from someone who hasn't really understood my point before slamming everyone about not caring about the Bible or the Word of God, of having a lazy and slack attitude.

i've memorized the verses for 2 emerge conferences already. n my team members from the last emerge backslided cos they were forced to learn the verses, after much "encouragement". i'm sure it was so effective in impacting their lives. (pardon the sarcasm)

the point i'm trying to make is that a Bible verse impacts my life only when it is from You. when i'm doing my quiet time, when i'm reading the Bible and pondering what is it You want to tell me, when i'm down in the dumps n tribulations n trials surround me. that is when i remember the verses.

psalms 91. the Lord is my shephard, i shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, and still waters.

proverbs. go to the ant you sluggard!

jeremiah. for i know the plans i have toward you, says the Lord. plans to bless you and prosper you, to give you a future and a hope.

matt. he who exalts himself shall be humbled and he who humbles himself shall be exalted.

and why exactly are these verses precious to me? becos i heard You speak them to me before. not becos i memorised them from a piece of paper.

its not as if i have plenty of free time either. oh man, if i were back in secondary sch or JC or even army, sure, i have all the time in the world for any activity, but for goodness sake i'm not so free anymore.

n honestly i felt that shouting displeasure at pple just cos they did not do something doesn't achieve anything. it only increases antagonist feelings and resentment. explanation should come before the task is done, not after it. i can't blame the pple for not memorising the verses becos they don't want to take part in the contest. nobody ever said it was a test to see how spiritual one is, or who loves the Word of God more.

for that matter, did those who memorise the verses eventually practice what they have learnt and applied the verses to their lives? maybe some of them did. but that was becos they heard You speak to them thru memorising the verses, or becos they spent hours reading the Word and already those scriptures were in their hearts. we'll never know.

i'm sorry for attacking the person n not just the offence against me, but really i felt so infuriated. i didn't want to take the test, n forcing me to take it just made me lose respect for you. pastor created the word power challenge to motivate people, not coerce them or pressure them into memorising verses, the way muggers in school memorize chunks of info for history class.

God i know i've backslided in my passion for the Word, i'm sorry. but this isn't the way i get motivated. You know that i dislike being forced to do things, i can be challenged and rationalised but i get really defensive when i "must" do something. only You are worthy to command me, snd even Jesus didn't force anyone to follow Him. he gave them choices and allowed them to make decisions. perhaps my character is still weak in this area, i have pride to conquer.

no matter, i must forget the incident n don't go to sleep being so angry about it, its pointless to lose sleep over something so trivial as this. normally i wouldn't even bother. just memorise the verses lor, since i'm supposed to. but i want everything i do to have a meaning in it. to have purpose behind it. i totally agree that having verses memorised is akin to having scripture engraved on my heart. i just don't agree with the manner of getting people to do it. he's my cell leader, no disrespect to him, Bible says honour your leaders becos they were ordained by You.

God, correct me if You must. change my heart, make it ever true to You.

In Jesus name,
Amen.