THE GREATEST THING IN ALL MY LIFE IS KNOWING YOU

THE GREATEST THING IN ALL MY LIFE IS KNOWING YOU

I WANT TO KNOW YOU MORE I WANT TO KNOW YOU MORE THE GREATEST THING IN ALL MY LIFE IS KNOWING YOU

Dear Lord God!

Today the prayer meeting was simply fantastic! really felt Your presence so strongly.. yeah n i admit that what i felt was so strange, after yujie didn't scold me, i only felt worse.. haha.. but its ok, i know You are here with me, seeing me thru all the bad things that happen to us in life..

Truly the worship was so ministering, i was crying n praying by the second worship song already, despite being tired n hungry, i really felt You were there edging me on, encouraging me, giving me a good grip on my arm to keep me from stumbling.. i really came quite close to stumbling this few days.. but thank God You were there for me!

Just finished my songsheet for tml.. Gosh i really hope she hasn't fallen asleep yet, cos i'm waiting up for her to call me to help her with the typing n stuff.. yeah i know we're not gonna be together for the next 2 years, but then again, 2 years pass very quickly! i know what it feels like cos last year i can still distinctly remember the time when i thought a 3 years vow was really going to kill me n i couldn't endure the whole thing.. yet already one full year has passed n i really didn't struggle with it that much, ever since the whole jessie thing! cos i have no urge or guts to break my vow again, lest You "punish" me n cause me to take another even longer one! woo.. i don't want to stay single forever! hahaha.. i believe that when the time is right You will send the right person into my life, but only if i mature n remain focused on what i need to do for You!

honestly God, i'm afraid to go back to camp. i remember the 2 years i spent in army was almost a living hell for me. yet i have to go back there again. i'm so sick n tired of it, how i pray that i didn't have to go back, that by some miracle, You cancel the 2 months..

Anyway i'll do my QT soon see Ya!

In Jesus name,

Amen!

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street

On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Where the city sleeps

and I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

'Til then I walk alone

This seems to be the theme song of my life.. Greenday rocks man..!

Dear God,

dunno why is it that yujie hasn't called me to disciple me yet.. i really know he's quite angry n disappointed with my actions.. but honestly i don't really care cos i'm too tired to care.. i'm just gonna do my best to serve You in the best way i can. i don't have to be perfect, i don't have to live up to anyone's expectations, as long as i know i'm alright with You, thats all there is to it.

today's the 2nd day of my holiday n i really don't have much time to enjoy before my army resumes next tues.. later gonna meet joan n my tuition kid victoria n jessica... think i will sms michelle ask her to join us as well. this is really not an excuse to see Joan, for goodness sake, i think i don't know how to face her anymore.. its like a breakup without ever being together.. You know it feels?

i guess this is really not the time for any intimate relationship for me now. cos i'm still too emotional n get easily upset over such things, so its better for me to really focus on You right now.. just be friends with everyone, let God take control over everything in my life.. whatever will be will be.. noone knows what God has in store right?

but truly, i'm never liked anyone like her before.. where it might actually work out. phoebe was a mistake from the beginning, our leaders n parents were against it, You were displeased with it. jessie was a worse mistake, it was almost out of lust rather than love.. that was a very selfish r/n cos we wanted things from each other.. so this friendship with Joan is so special, i will want it to remain that way.. just as good friends before everything blew up..

yeah, i'm impressed with Mikki's email of faith n encouragement.. sort of brightened me up a bit this morning.. oh God i love this song.. Stand by me, nobody knows, the way its gonna be.. its so true.. life deals us the cards we least expect.

i'm running out of words to say, i'm running out of purpose to live, pls refresh my life, refresh my heart oh Lord.. a pure heart, thats what i long for, a heart that hungers after You, a heart thats ever true.. sometimes i get distracted, yeah, but i'm bouncing back on track for You! i don't care what scolding or what happens, i'm taking it like a man, i'm accepting all responsiblity n i'm going to do what You called me here to do, even if i can't do it! By Your grace i can do it! i don't think You have given up on me, even if others give up on me, i know You are always standing by me, giving me the strength i need to go on.. i have the friends with me, i have the Holy Spirit with me, i have You with me, what more do i need?

Life is still be good, for You are a good God! Amen!

Hahaha.. its time to learn to let go n let God once again..

In Jesus name i pray,

Amen!

pissed off.

Dear God,

ok You're right again. i've gotta involved in things that don't concern me, i've tried my best to help a person in need, n all i'm going to get is a scolding from yujie n someone angry with me.

i'm so pissed off right now... You know how i feel?

its the last day of my exams i just want to celebrate n be free from all sorts of stress n yet i have to worry about that stalker n about this n that.. can't i just enjoy a movie in peace?

yes.. i really can't believe what an idiot i am. should've seen this coming.. its all the same. always when i'm supposed to feel the happiest somehow someone will come n spoil everything. why? cos i'm not walking in Your will that's why.

tell me again what am i taking this vow for, tell me again who is it i can trust?

she thinks i'm just joking when its her life that's in danger. i'm not joking anymore, even as a friend i would have advised her to do the same thing. its not about any simple thing anymore, its about a stalker following us around in orchard even! oh man, i feel like kicking the crap out of him right now..

5 years ago all i had to do was make a few phone calls n my buddies would come n pummel the crap out of him. i wonder if i still have their contact numbers. man i miss those days, of running wild n free around town, talking n acting big n gung ho n beating up pple who wanna mess with us... i know those days r behind me now...

n i know all this talk is making You very very angry with me, i'm supposed to be forgiving n easily forget trespasses or You won't forgive my trespasses..

i know i can't be together with her right now.. yet i still went ahead with the movie plan.. haiz.. i'm sorry God i can't be perfect! i can't live up to Your expectations!!! i took that vow so i could be focused on You, so i could do greater things for You.. what have i done till now?

besides get myself in more trouble.

i really don't want to like anyone ever again.. its too painful.. God i'm sorry for falling.. i really don't deserve Your mercy anymore..

mere minutes before my exam.. need Your wisdom n guidance!

Dear God,

just another 10 min before i had to sch for my final exam.. i have a bad feeling about this one, but still just going to do my best n hope it comes out ok.. i really didn't do much for this module, so i'm just hoping for a C grade.. nothing more..

later going shopping for mikki's birthday presents with joan. getting the cg one for her plus a personal one from me n joan, hehz.. not really looking fwd to hols this year cos i'm going back to army! wah.. thats so annoying. what a total waste of my time. n its so unfair everyone gets 2 years off, while i have to finish the whole 2.5 years.. haiz.

Lord, sorry for the sins i committed, losing my temper n all that..its jus tat i'm so stressed this time round.. help me to really concentrate for the exam, to answer 3 questions in 2.5 hours is like, 45 min per question, after minusing the 5 min reading time, left only around less than 40 min per question! haiz...

but anyway looking fwd to a good time later at the movies, dun really want to think about exam once this is over..

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen...

stalker alert! wahaha!

Dear Lord,

this is really a very weird day! being stalked by kiat at the TPY central! oh man.. i can't believe it! but anyway yeah..

tml is my last paper. really pray that You help me for it cos i know this time round i really gonna do badly if You don't give me the wisdom n supernatural help tat i need! i didn't really study much cos too burn out after the 1st paper, n for various other reasons.. this topic is actually quite interesting, yet becos of the tutor's style i really grew to dislike it. haiz..

God i know its really not right to study at the mac with her but i really needed someone to study with n simply too lazy to ask any other pple, cos i already know her sch schedule n she really needs to study anyway, so its so convenient for us.. haiz.. oh well at least it all ends today. i won't be studying with her anymore n Kiat probably won't be bothering her anymore either..

honestly i didn't like him the moment i saw him, i thought he had some ulterior motive for coming church n true enough, my suspicions came true! or perhaps it was the Holy Spirit telling me n discernment that he isn't really coming for the right reasons. oh well, its his choice. if he wants to come becos of Joan then he might as well not come at all.. i really did my best to be friends with him, yet he told Joan he don't like me cos i'm too close to her.. duh!

its so unfair, i try my best to be nice to pple n they turn around n stab me in the back. even meijuan spoke to me in such a rude way, i was like almost gonna blow up if joan wasn't there. Lord You look at how she speaks n see for Yourself, i am really very angry, but i didn't show it or at least not obviously. can't believe it, 2 pple testing my patience in one day! i almost wanted to just stomp off n go home n study, if not for joan sitting there.

but i suppose meijuan didn't mean to be insulting lah. You told us to forgive n forget. i will try my best to be acceptable n just take it as if she means no harm.. somehow i feel she was bitterly hurt in the past by some incident that made her the way she is today.. the glory of God all gone from her life, no presence of God about her at all.. i pray that even as i make wrong decisions n go against Your will sometimes, i really want You by my side, to guide me rebuke me if i'm straying away too far from Your will.. i know tat today was such a rotten day becos i shouldn't have gone to study with her in the first place... haiz.. i'm sorry God, things never work out right when i disobey You.

its like the whole thing with Jessie again. yeah true this time its different becos Joan is a faithful believer n i really didn't purposely hide the whole thing from anyone.. but still, temptation has come n i failed to see it coming.. i really feel so rotten n awful, so out of Your will oh Lord..

i promise You tat Joan n i will be friends n just friends from tml onwards.

yeah.. i have to make it clear to her as well. in conduct, in thinking, in everything we do, we must be a good example to the younger members, we can't carry on like this, knowingly doing the wrong things. i should know better than to lead her astray.. i'm sorry God.

she is really a very good friend n its true, i love the spark of fire in her spirit, the way she talks, full of faith n assurance, always encouraging n loving.. yet it is the character of God that i yearn for which she has, i don't really know her as a person yet. so i must be sure what i'm after, the character of Jesus, the anointing of the Holy Spirit, n not a wrong premature relationship.

perhaps after 2 years this would work out.. only You know my future, hahaha.. but for now, yeah i will decide to discipline my flesh n really do whats right.. even if its gona hurt.

help me to concentrate on You, to fulfil my desire to be a cell group leader, to move up another level in my spirituality, in my relationship with You, my love n passion for You..!

i'm going to army soon Lord.. i wish i didn't have to go there, i really hate that place.. where i have to listen to others who i don't respect at all, whom have no authority over me except given by the government whom i didn't even elect. but since Your Word says to submit to authority.. i guess i have no choice but to do what i need to do. haiz.. help me to change my thinking so that i will actually enjoy my 3 months in army... i'm so depressed, there's so many things i'm doing wrong right now. help me make the right decisions in my life for once.. i'm tired confused n on the brink of breaking down.. hope army won't be as bad as i picture it.

help me Lord, i'm so stressed.. everyone is pushing me from all edges to grow, to expand, to mature, to rise up, to do this, do that, i'm really hoping for You to tell me what to do!

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen...

why part 2 is NOT the longest post ever...

due to certain objections from someone, i had to censor certain parts of the story. hehe...

log back in 2 year time to see if the post gets "resurrected"! =P

part 2 (continuation from part 1) the greatest story ever told..

(due to some constant interruptions from sms n msn n emails n calls, i was unable to finish this letter. honestly i would rather be alone at home than to have pple at home bugging me to do this n that.. its so annoying.)

anyway i was going to mention about the mock cell group. mikki was doing praise n clarence was doing the preaching n i did worship n ministry. i think we were all super kan chiong n it was actually quite funny! hahaha.. i think mikki would make a good leader maybe 1 year from now, as she really grows in the Lord she is already equipped with the Word, she knows the songs n how to sing them, its just a matter of practice! as for clarence, he really did his research into the Word, n the verses were good, but it was a bit funny the way he read verse after verse without pausing to put his point across! but anyway we all learn from our mistakes... dunno why when i was praying, i keep changing the prayer into a personal one rather than in a group setting, so need to practice using words like "ours" "us" etc, instead of the usual prayers! its a bit challenging, cos i dun have a loud voice n its difficult to play guitar n lead singing at the same time.. but of cos i will keep praticing n eventually get it right! Amen!

Lord i'm so tired n the exam on thurs seems like such a bore.. no inspiration to study at all, i feel my tutor really doesn't know how to teach. she just throws us point after point without any organisation, n doesn't address the tutorial questions at all. so annoying! but anyway i pray that You bless the study session with Joan later, i intend to study from 12.45 pm till 7 pm before i go for tuition. thats a good 6 hours at least.

also the games played was quite fun, eventhough we didn't have any new friends, it was good to see kenneth n justin joining us! yeah.. how high a tower can be built depends on the foundations. we need to really build up our own cg member's lives before we can effectively win souls for You! it was a good time of fellowship, although towards the end i got a bit annoyed cos everyone was moving so slowly when i wanted to rush home to study!! in the end i got 0 studying done cos tat totally destroyed my mood to study. hope i managed to help mikki with her maths instead n didn't waste my evening completely... was a bit annoyed by ryan who kept asking for a lift home.. come on, its basic courtesy to wait for someone to ask if u want a favour before accepting it! michelle also, keep asking me if can drive her here n there.. really annoying. n when i say no, it means no! why do they keep pestering n pestering me? i feel that sometimes pple really take me for granted, God see what i mean? haiz.. but then again, i often take You for granted as well, so i guess its a taste of my own medicine? i really dun ever want to take You n Your presence for granted, esp since i know without You i can't do well for my exams my future depends on the results. yeah it may seem weird, but our lives depend on a piece of paper. but nevertheless i put my trust in You n know that You will help me for tues n weds n even thurs morning as i study like crazy for thurs papers! hahaha..

anyway Lord, the main part is coming up soon, n i really know that what happened was probably a big mistake, but its in the past n its behind us now.. so i pray that You forgive us, as we really focus our lives on You n move into our destiny.. yeah, i didn't tell yujie n eunice the whole truth, but i guess there's somethings which do not need to be said.. afterall, as long as I know You are with me again, i have no worries! hahaha... n no harm is done to anyone.

ok here it goes, forever to be remembered as a chapter in the book of my life where it all happened n it all ended in a single day...

[censored] (want to find out more? ask me lah! hahahaha you ka po)

yeah.. tats about it. the longest post ever. probably gonna be the only time i write so much. but thank You Lord for this special friendship, something pure n something fun n even Holy n sanctifiable. we're both mature children of God, we know how to put You first instead of our selfish desires n we know that You will bless us greatly for giving our lives into Your hands.

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen

Thank you for this moment
I've gotta say how beautiful you are
Of all the hopes and dreams i could have prayed for
Here you are

If I could have one dance forever
I would take you by the hand
Tonight it's you and I together I'm so glad
I'm your man

And if i lived a thousand years you knowI'd never could explain
The way I lost my heart to you that day
But if destiny decided I should've looked the other way
Then the world would never know
The greatest story ever told
And did I tell you that I love you tonight

I don't hear the music when I'm looking in your eyes
But I feel the rythm of your body close to mine
It's the way we touch that sends me
It's the way we'll always be
Your kiss your pretty smile you know I'd die for
Oh baby you're all I need

And if i lived a thousand years you knowI'd never could explain
The way I lost my heart to you that day
But if destiny decided I should've looked the other way
Then the world would never know
The greatest story ever told
And did I tell you that I love you just how much I really need you
Did I tell you that I love you tonight...

part 1

Dear God,

So many things have happened once again over the weekend! From the last post till today, i think so many things have happened i can even write a book on it! haha.. but first of all, just wanna rededicate my life to You.. hehz.. there's really no meaning in this life if we're living for ourselves.. we'll become selfish n self-centered n yet soon we'll realised we weren't created just to serve ourselves! yeah.. i realise when u r living for yourself, u will soon feel like its pointless cos we are jus mere mortals going thru our passage on earth.

thats y i feel atheist r the saddest n most cynical n bitter pple on the earth. they think that they're just living a life for their own purposes n when they die, thats it. no matter how great a legacy a person can leave behind, nothing on earth will last till eternity. the only thing that will last for all eternity is our souls! n we get to choose whether to spend it in heaven with God or in hell with the devil!... kinda scary thought isn't it?

Lord, really thank You for the break thru in N280!

pple like pak n jessia n phoebe n even justinn are having their breakthrus! thank You for moving in their lives! i really pray that as i go to camp for my holidays, that You really use me to impact the pple there, esp justinn, n use the time to my advantage to serve Your will, instead of wasting my time complaining n being a nuisance..

Thanks for the exam hints! Woo hoo!

Dear heavenly Father,

Really just wanna thank You for helping me thru out the paper, taking away my fear n giving me confidence instead! I think i might be able to get an overall B for property! Really thank You i know You were there helping me every step of the way, every word i wrote down, until the min the paper ended! Thanks for coming thru for me once again! Haha..

Also, the past few days has sort of been a roller coaster ride for me emotionally as well.. i really think i have to tell Yujie but i think he'll be so angry with both me n Joan.. cos we're both supposed to be looking out for the younger members and yet we have fallen into a "trap" ourselves! Its ridiculous lah.. she really was the person i thought i would never like, n indeed, i wouldn't have realised it at all until she told me. But Lord, i know You are first in my life, i will never forget that. i know that as i wait diligently on You, You will one day provide me with the "perfect" partner, not that she needs to be totally perfect, but in the sense that she's the one meant for me, she's perfect to me! Haha.. i remember pastor Kong used to say how God sent him an angel n then he would smile sweetly at Pst Sun! that's how i want my relationship with my future spouse to be, totally in love with God and totally in love with each other everyday.

later there's gonna be mock CG at my place! haha! so excited until i couldn't sleep last night! silly right? was practicing over n over again.. though its only just 4 pple i believe Your presence will come strongly as You promised, where 2 or 3 are gathered You are there in the midst of them! Lord i pray that You keep me from temptation n sin, that i am able to come before You and renew my mind every single morning, from the moment i wake up, i will acknowledge You as the Lord n God of all my life, i will put away wrong thoughts n feelings n devote my day to You. Lord as i continue to study over the next 5 days, i pray that You really send Your Holy Spirit to give me wisdom n understanding, tat i may glorify You in my exams as well as serve You actively in ministry...

Jesus, thanks for such a great time of praise n worship last night! Truly there's nothing better than being able to praise n worship You, to feel Your presence so tangibly n to know that there's a God who loves me so much, He will show up whenever I need Him! i know that with You, i'll never be alone n i take comfort in that!

Pray that today's games will all go smoothly, there'll be good weather n most of all, the new friends will come n build good relationships with all the cg members!

Father finally i pray for kenneth, Lord bring him back! He's really drawing far away from all of us, and i don't know how to deal with it! Pls touch him so powerfully taht he will come back to church n cell group n be in Your kingdom once again! i will pray for Him every single day Lord, i promise...

In Jesus name,
Amen

so much has happened.. major exam tml... live recordig just over.. disappointed by frenz.. loved by someone close..

Dear Heavenly Father

so many things have happened recently.. i don't really know what to type or how long this entree is going to be cos i still need to study.. but in the past few days, i've gone thru a barrage of emotions.. extreme emotions..

God i really pray that You forgive me for all the wrong actions n deeds i've done.. i really need Your wisdom n guidance for the exams, i think i might really go there n blank out cos i'm so scared.. i didn't really study much this entire semester, so busy serving in ministries n all that..

I'll really at my wits end, trying to study the best i can now.. then after exams its back to army! its so unfair, i have to serve for another 3 months, my whole holiday is burnt by army.. haiz. but nevermind, i pray that You send me there to reach out to some good friends.. although i dunno anyone there by now except the regulars.. i pray You will use my time in the army to really make a difference in pple's lives.. n not waste my time there doing nothing everyday..

even right now talking to Jeremy, really pray that he will come to church one day. not as a religious duty but becos of an encounter with You..

But before i go on, thank You for a wonderful time of praise n worship at the live recording! to me, it really isn't about how perfect the music or the song is, but whether pple can sense the presence of God in the whole album, whether the Holy Spirit will show up n change pple's lives even thru the CD n DVD... but one thing is for sure, i simply had a great time praising You in the midst of my troubles n stress.. God life isn't easy to live, i get disappointed by some pple.. it may be a big misunderstanding, but nevertheless it taught me to really learn how to forgive n forget, n how not to have any expectations of pple.. seems like the only person i can trust all the time is You. i always place friends at quite a high priority in life, even more then my family.. cos family is basically friends who are yours naturally once u r born into this life!

but anyway thanks for a good time, n now i'm gonna study until tonight after i finish writing this.. i just have to get out something off my mind n heart..

God i know i'm on vow n everything.. n i know that all the stuff i wrote about Peggy n other girls are simply jus crushes n not real.. inspite of me trying to get close to them n stuff, i know it will never work out cos i'm simply not serious about it, cos i don't really like them.. yet this time..i think i've really come close to liking someone..

we both know its not the time for us. thank God she's mature enough to understand tat. yet we're both helpers in the cell group, its really not right for us to be so close, so Lord i pray that You watch over us constantly, the reason why i keep this vow is cos i know that You deserve my best n i wanna dedicate this time to really love You n serve You.. to focus on what You want me to do with my life, n not go after temporal things..

yet i dunno why i was so happy when she told me tat.. that in our hearts we both knew that for a long time already, even though we kept telling each other we never could fall for each other, even though we tell each other we have crushes on other pple.. somehow or other, we both became so close it was almost inevitable that we like each other.. yeah i admit its unwise n foolish to have long phone calls n studying sessions together everyday, but i really need to study, n she needs someone to help her with studies as well, i see it as a practical way to benefit both of us..

so thats what i mean by going thru a barrage of emotions.. God i jus wanna let You take over my life, cos its sometimes too tough for me to handle.. feeling extreme anger, sadness, joy, excitement, euphoria.. all in 1 week! i'm sorry for being disrespectful to yujie, but he jus called at the wrong time, n i really needed to cool down.. i really dun feel like going for the outing or organizing it at all! let the younger ones who are so free do it lah..! i feel so pressured by yujie! i mean its exam time n there's live recording lor..

yes i'm stretched to my utmost.. i can't spread any wider.. God help me expand my capacity, but also help me focus Lord, i want to do many things for You.. i'm not happy jus serving in cell group cos i've a passion for music n singing as well.. so i really dunnno whats in store in my life..

also i really think i should concentrate on You more, read my bible n get more revelations from You.. i need a spiritual breakthru..

yeah Joan is coming over to study soon.. so sweet, everyday coming over to study with me cos of exams.. haha..

but one thing we do know, we're putting You first n focusing on You no matter what.

In Jesus name,
Amen!

overwhelmed! God help me

Dear Lorrd God..

Thanks for putting me in so many pple's lives that i'm able to help them to move on with their walk with you.. thank you for rising me up into such positions which i've always wanted to be in, yet now i see that it isn't as easy as it looks! nevertheless i know You are with me, Your rod n staff comfort me, even when i sin n turn away from You..

my heart really goes out to all those sheep who follow You, those who turned away, those who don't know You, even those who are in Your hands n yet still wander off a bit.. yeah, that includes me as well.

i have such a terrible tendency to sin every time i use the computer.

i must really over come that problem! in the name of Jesus!

also i must really start studying tml.. exams in less than 2 weeks time! i have to get to work seriously. give me the energy n the motivation to do well in my studies for You God! if not for myself, then at the least, for You!

about Joan, phoebe, kenneth, Pak tao, hongfang, peggie.. even the handphone thing.. i don't know why when problems come they come i waves and waves!! Of cos i'm not saying that these pple are giving me problems, i don't blame them, i love them all and really want to help them.. but in the midst of helping others, i pray that You continue to give me Your grace n mercy n anointing, n power n strength, so that i may not grow weary while doing good, n in due season, reap a bountiful harvest!

honestly God, at this point in time, i have no feelings for any girls, n i thank You for that! sure i may be close to some of them, but whenever i get too close i feel the Holy Spirit's warning, n i know where to draw the line. thanks Holy Ghost for always being with me...

forgive my sins Lord. i'm struggling with this fleshly desire, every night its a battle, sometimes i win, sometimes i lose. but with You as my partner, i know i can't lose for too long! haha.. amen!

pls let me walk in holiness, walk in the will of the Father!

so many things have happened jus over the past 2-3 days, i can't even put them into writing here cos it will take too long! nevertheless, You are watching me always, You know everything about my life, n the very hairs on my head are numbered. i can rest tonight knowing that You are a good merciful God!

let me truly repent, let me truly be who You want me to be, n stop trying to be someone else.

about the hp, i've made a binding promise to a person, i won't call it stealing, but at the same time, i know i should try to return it.. oh well, i really hope You can let this pass jus this once God. i really don't expect pple to return my hp if i lose it. do unto others isn't it.. haiz. i can't defend my actions... but i can't break my promise too.

will pray about it...

In Jesus name..
Amen.

thank You so much

Dear Lord,

jus wanna say thanks for giving me the right materials for the assignment n being able to complete it in time! in fact i still have another 2 hours before the dateline is up, so i'm here thanking You in advance before my QT tonight! haha..

also wanna say thank You for the good frenz in the project team, philip n noel n liangying n serbie, though i don't really know them that well, they've been very nice to me, more than friendly actually, almost feel like i've known em quite a while, though its jus been about 3 months! hahaha... but then again, i've drifted quite far from my usual group of frenz.. sadz about tat. but nevermind, You are the God of resurrection, even dead relationships can be brought back to life.

n that brings me back to kenneth as well.. i really pray that for cell group n svc i will remember to show more attention to him, treat him better than usual.. i don't want to lose a friend as much as a disciple.

thanks for bringing pple into my life to encourage me constantly.. pple frm the Strikeforce like Luke who's always as steady as a rock, pple like Millie who despite being younger n so playful n blur at times, always manages to speak a word in season into my life.. n of cos my dear Mikki from the cell group! Lord i pray that You raise her up to be a powerful leader, not jus in the area of the arts which she has talent n interest, but even in the area of cell group ministry! i see the potential in her is much greater than any of the younger ones in the cell group, cos she has the Word in her already, her character has been tested by many trials, now all it takes is for You to release her into Your will n the ministry which You have planned for her!

Looking at these young ones really inspire me to do greater things for You. true, these few weeks i might not be doing very much except indulging in selfish enjoyments, n facing personal struggles, yet i know that at the end of it all, i will still turn back to You. cos You are truly the rock of my salvation, the meaning of my life, there is totally no other reason to live except to do Your will!

i often forget You don't expect us to be perfect n its ok to make mistakes along the learning process. Peter failed the test You set for him so many times, but in the end, he finally got it n that changed his life forever! wow.. God i want that kind of powerful revelation as well! You said seek n you shall find, knock n the door will be open. well, i'm gonna start actively seeking You each night, until i receive a wonderful word from You!

In Jesus name.
Amen!!

trying out stuff

Baby don't go.. Don't go.. How can I wake up tomorrow?
It breaks my heart.. If you don't love me no more...

You never know how much a person means to you until the person goes away...

jus trying out some stuff.. hopefully i can write more interesting stuff with nicer fonts n pictures.. still no idea how to add music to my blog, haha..

How do i let her know that i wait for her each night, by the computer, waiting for her to come online, jus so i can chat with her... even though she likes another n i know we can't possibly be together, i can't help but want to talk to her.. to laugh with her, go thru life with her. but she doesn't have a clue... she doesn't know at all.

eh how come the fonts r so limited.. hahaha..

to have loved n lost is better not to have loved at all - i don't think so!! hahaha

finally its up n running again.. anoying blog

Dear Lord

I have so many things to say to You! since last night, when i tried to blog, until today, when this thing is finally working..

1stly i'm really very disappointed n sad by kenneth.. seeing him cancel my name off his blog, that is really a very obvious sign that he doesn't trust me anymore.. God what did i do wrong? i have done nothing more then to help him in his walk with God, trying to teach him the right things to do n say, teach him stuff from the Bible, stuff that i've learnt the hard way..

2nd thing, thanks for a good group discussion today.. finally felt like i pulled my weight at today's project meeting! haiz.. dunno why i feel so inferior to those other law pple, they're just as human as me! gotta stop having this wrong mentality of being not smart enought to talk to them..

3rd thing, i really am getting more n more confused each day.. i know i'm on vow, i know i have my studies n ministries n Bible reading n family to take care of... yet each day i feel so lonely n so depressed n so confused.. i pray about it, n yet still can't sleep. the moment i finish praying n lie down on my bed, thoughts of loneliness suddenly flood my mind again.

i know its not Your timing, i know its really not Your fault, its my own selfish flesh wanting something tats not meant for me yet.. God how do i live in Your will if i keep wanting to do my own will??

4th thing, i really want to give up on my cell group ministry. i can't do it, i just can't take it. instead of helping Yujie, instead of bringing in the souls to the harvest, i'm causing more problems for everyone. haiz.. i can't speak with the authority n anointing like yujie. pak only came cos yujie encouraged him. kenneth now doesn't even want to talk to me.. i feel so hurt by that. i've sown into his life, i've treated him like a brother.. no doubt he's a little more stubborn than the others, but i never loved him any less.

i'm really very devastated by him, God.. i tried to help him but only made matters worse... n i've let You down. most of all, i've let You down...

i'm so sorry God...

i really tried my best...

i shouldn't have committed those gross sins.. i'm sorry. forgive me for my sins n i will repent once again. but i can't find the strength to get up anymore. carry me on Your arms Lord, i can't walk on my feet anymore..

i think i jus wanna worship You. God give me a reason to live.. to live for You alone!

In Jesus name
Amen

test

is this thing working???

cell group at macritchie! hahaha..

Dear Lord,

just decided to write a quick note to You before i rest for svc tml!

it was simply amazing, today's cg! i truly expected a not-so-good turn up cos of the rainy weather, plus its really quite a strange n unusaul idea! thank You for Your presence even though we had no worship n it was just a short cg outing with praise n a shorter message, it was so impactful..

the message really touched pple like Kenneth, n even Mikki, n myself. i really had no idea that today's seemingly "salvation" message can be so applicable to me..

yeah, sometimes i question why is it i'm struggling to do Your will everyday, why is it i never ever seem to be able to be all that You want me to be, i still struggle with certain sins in my life, i still have that fleshy worldly desires..

God, thanks for Yujie.. such a great leader who is so encouraging! i really need to learn from him on how to counsel n help cg members. i need to really love them n encourage them much more, cos the hard way only helps after much encouraging n stirring them up! also, i need so much more of Your anointing, after realising that today Pak would never have made it if Yujie had not called him n encouraged him with Godly wisdom..

yet i cannot have that anointing if i choose to repeatedly sin against You.

so i pray that i break free from all the bondages of sin! Lord thank You for Your second chance, for forgiving me, for giving me a new hope n a new life! help me to remember, everyday, its You i live for!

God i pray for huimin n kiat, swee keng, jessica, n all the other new frenz who got saved recently, even huzheng though i've not even seen her. haiz.. a bit disappointed that after all the hot air, huimin isn't even coming for svc tml! i thought she was really coming back to You this time round.. was i wrong to think that way? nevertheless i will still keep praying for her n reaching out to her.. as a friend n nothing more.

also i wonder how come i'm suddenly feeling something for someone whom i'm not even supposed to ever ever like..! if i like this person its going to cause serious consequences for everyone.. so i better watch myself. the late night phone call was really not wise!! i'm sorry Lord, i'll keep a better watch over my feelings n decisions.. God You know that its pure foolishness to talk to a sister in Christ over the phone so late at night, help me watch against these silly actions of mine!

i'd rather jus pray n worship You n feel Your peace in my heart! =)

God i pray that You really help me in my upcoming property assignment, its gonna take up like 30% of my entire module, so i really pray that You help me find the right materials to add in the paper, n have enough time to complete it.

also i had a great time of fellowship with wendy n ryan tonight! who would've thought we can grow so close jus after one outing! we're even planning to go to penang together in July! of cos i lift up all these plans into Your hands, we'll go only if its in Your will for us to have a short holiday! haha..

Lord i pray for more wisdom n anointing in conducting myself in school n in church n even in the house, to be more responsible n accountable for my actions. God, really need Your grace n mercy n understanding of the pple around me! i feel like an alien in sch, got very few true frenz, i also dunno why i'm afraid to talk n befriend them normally.. perhaps cos i think that they're all smarter n better looking than me!? i have this big inferiority complex Lord, take tat away from me, or i'll never be able to enter my full destiny in You!

actually to tell the whole truth, i've had this inferiority complex since i was young...

i always think others r better than me, i'm not good enough, i'll never be good enough, etc...

But since You saved me n Jesus You died on the cross for all these negative thoughts, i pray, i nail it there on the cross of calvary as well!! Be gone, inferiority complex! Let the world know, I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me!!

ok peggy's bugging me to go n sleep n yes i am very tired, but also feeling very happy about the cell group n the great fellowship i had with great friends! Father, protect all of us, keep us safe from wrong influences, let us stand strong together not just as Christians, but as true friends. No greater love has one, than to lay down his life for his friends! Jesus You did that for me, i'm doing it for all of them too!

Thank You Jesus! Thanks so much, my Lord...

In Jesus name,
Amen!