Oh Lord, I'm gonna spend each and every waking moment with You...

dear heavenly Father,

its been too long since i came before You without any huge burdens, without any complaints, without any bitterness, without any requests or prayer lists, without any motives to ask for things, without any urgent situation, without bad feelings, without a clock ticking beside me reminding me of the time i have left for my exams.. because its the end of my exams!!

hallelujah, praise the Lord!

i know its silly, but i'm really glad that the exams are over! i feel so free, freed up to serve You, to spend time with You, to shepard Your people, to do what You've really called me to do! to find out for myself, a spiritual journey over the next few weeks, spending a lot of time with You alone, reading Your word, praying in the spirit, worshipping, praising You, spending time with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.. thats what i want to spend my holidays doing. sure, a job would be good to provide the extra income i need to fulfil the building fund, but i don't feel that what i need to do is work.. afterall, i'll be spending more than half my life working in the very near future, so i want to make sure that i really spend my time really wisely now..

so many things that i need to do, Lord please guide me n show me Your will so that i can walk right in the middle of it, doing the right things at the right time, with the right people, with you beside me all the way.. i don't ever want to wander out of Your sanctuary every again.. i want to come back to the heart of worship, of fellowship with a holy God.

meeting so many obstacles and problems and people and opportunities and other things in my life has really distracted me from You. nothing should ever replace my quiet time, the time which i spend with You and You alone, set apart from every other thing in my life, to devote quality time of my life to You, so that You can really talk to me, tell me the deep things of Your heart, inspire me to write the best songs for You, to write the best sermons for You, to do the best that i can with the limited time n resources that i have.. with man it may be impossible, but with God, nothing is impossible! and if my God is for me, who can be against me? who can stand against the mighty will of God?

time for me to sleep soon, i want to really deepen my relationship with You, and establish a close friendship with the Holy Spirit, a oneness with Him, that i cannot live without Him by my side, that no word that comes from my mouth will ever defile You, no action or movement will ever be against Your will, no decision will be made in folly of flesh, but every word i say will be inspired by the Holy Spirit, every decision i make will be one guided by Your Word, by the anointing of the Holy Spirit, that every single day i live i want to live for You, to truly be able to be a history maker, like in the song.. to just run into Your arms everynight when the going gets too tough, trusting that inspite of all that is happening, You are always there for me, You are always going to be there...!

i pray that You really help me use my holidays to the fullest, to expand Your kingdom, to grow the church and the ministries, to rise up more disciples in the cell group, to bring my family and friends to Christ, to be a better person, but most of all, to change my heart to be more and more like Jesus Christ each day, walking closer and closer to the One who loved me so much He went to the cross to die for me.. thank You Jesus. for a wonderfully blessed year, no matter how many times i messed up, i now realise You are always there, to correct me, love me and bless me again, no matter how many times i mess up, You never blamed or condemned me, but You understood me and encouraged me, sent people into my life to lift me up, sent Your Word to bless me, give me strength to carry on, and press thru.. thank You so much for a great year Lord.. i know many many times i've let You down, but i truly sincerely want to say to You from the bottom of my heart, that I love You.

Jesus i love You and always will. I will serve You till the end of my days, no matter what happens, give me the strength and the wisdom to do Your will for my life to the very last breath that i take.

In Jesus name, I pray
Amen!!

Evidence exam tml! Haven't really been studying this week though.. feel so worn out!

Dear God,

i really don't know what else I can do now, cos i really didn't put in much effort this week compared to the hopless mugging the past few weeks.. prob cos i dun have anyone to mug with me, they always say misery loves company! hahaha..

anyway i lot of things happened this week.. it was kinda embarrassing remembering stephanie's birthday wrongly, about more than 1 week in advance, but i guess this way i was the earliest to celebrate her birthday with her! honestly when she told me what she went thru for the past 3 years, it really shocked me.. she's a cell leader n all that, n yet got involved with a non-christian for more than 1 year.. eventually he left her for another girl (duh, what's his problem, if i ever find out who he is, i'll sue the pants off him) but anyway what she went thru made my experiences seem like a romp in the garden. career change, etc.. basically came back to You in the nick of time.

also another thing is that i'm really glad i finally get a chance to play the UDM! really glad that i have this chance to play the UDM with the lights and water, thats what i can a performance! hahaha.. though i'm not really that good at it, i'll give it my best, use up every ounce of my strength.. earlier i told yujie that the osaka would be my last major involvement in the SF, yet i dunno.. when i'm there, it feels like family. it feels like i'm closer to them than many of my own cg members. honestly i love the SF pple.. i don't ever want to leave this ministry. i love it more than choir honestly.

what a totally weird dream i had this morning.. i blame it on the late nights n the exhaustion from the drumming! oh well.. n partly on the fact that i'm real lonely now.. its been like, 3 years into my vow, i've been single since 2002... gosh, can anyone believe that? i don't really have a reason to get attached, considering i'm supposed to concentrate on my studies, as well as my spiritual life, my cell group, my family, my tuition jobs, etc.. but i really feel so lonely nowadays when i walk down orchard seeing the christmas lights up, all the young couples walking around being all lovely-dovey and stuff... i think its sick! amazingly sick! i was on the mrt the other day, n jus in front of me was one couple exchanging presents for whatever reason, then they got matching watches n were like so happy... groan! then when i got off the mrt, another 3 couples just walked past me, hugging n all.. when i reached orchard, all i saw were young teens n youths walking in couples.. it was ridiculous! or am i just being ridiculous myself? hahaha..

anyway it seems that even on msn i can't get a break.. my fren shashi is with a beautiful girl for over 3 months.. my dear daughter janice is having heartbreak from a breakup..

seriously, christmas is going to suck without someone close to me. i know Jesus is the reason for the season, i know that in my head. but i don't know why i always feel that christmas is the most romantic time of the year, You know? not valentimes day, but christmas day. i remember the past few christmas celebrations at church, when everyone was singing "i wanna wish you a merry christmas.." i was with the choir.. or seated somewhere away from my cell members.. seeing everyone hugging each other, i really wished that i could have someone to hug as well.. everyone in my social circle is getting attached.. yongqiang n liping, yujie n rachel, n i don't even want to mention my NUS n JC friends.. why did cindy backslide? boyfriend. why did yilin, n so many other cg members backslide? BGR. i'm not about to claim that BGR is more important than God, of cos God should be 1st in everything. but sometimes i jus yearn for that feeling of being in love again, to be totally accept by someone for who i am, the feeling of being loved, n to love without fear, trust n commitment to someone who returns the same to me.

that day when i met victoria (yes i gotta plenty worked up cos of that stupid MLM thingy, but thats not the point) at raffles place boat quay coffeebean, i suddenly realised the last time i was there was running thru the crowd on christmas day after midnight with huimin by my side, laughing n running during christmas time..

Jesus, i'm terribly lonely now.. all i do is study n organise activities, n work n work n minister n minister.. yeah sure i've got good friends.. maybe not as many as i had.. some friends really "move on". thats one thing which i don't agree with pastor about. the willingness to leave friends so easily.. i mean what is the point of being friends for a period in time n then become strangers again? what pastor said really was the truth.. primary sch, we all promised never to be too busy for each other, friends forever and all that crap.. how many of us are really friends now? my 1st cell group members, don't even say hi to me sometimes cos they're all so busy serving n stuff.. whatever happened to genuine long lasting friendship?

honestly, the person i miss the most as a friend is eunice ding, my socalled "long lost sister". i had supper with her every week for more than a whole year. had long talks with her at her void deck, discussed issues of the heart, spiritual things, etc.. it was great You know? i really thought i might end up with her in the end, i wanted to tell her so much, that hey, i'm treating you so nice cos i want to let you know that i really like you.. i never regretted spending one minute with her. not like phoebe, jessie, n all the other crushes. i consider all those relationships a waste of time, n i actually regret doing what i did. but the only girl who ever really helped me in my spiritual life, encouraged me, n made me feel like i could open my whole life to her... is someone who is so distant from me now, i don't feel worthy to even call her my sister anymore, the only reason why i'd address her as "sister" is becos of her seniority in church leadership.

which by the way, is another issue which bothers me a lot. what is the big deal with all those names? even Jesus was refered to as Jesus Christ, which is Your name. i don't mean to be disrespectful or what, but failing to address someone in a "senior" position shouldn't disqualify a person from anything. calling pple "brother" this n "sister" that. oh my goodness.. it would be so weird calling someone younger than me "brother" whatever.. maybe its my pride issue.. whatever.. i think i have a right to a certain level of dignity. i'm not saying i'm superior to everyone, i'm just saying i should stand up for my rights when i need to. i don't believe that something the whole world is fixated upon can be totally useless spiritually. God gave us the right of choice, the right to freedom, shouldn't that alone make our rights the most precious thing He has ever given us, after His son Jesus Christ?

but anyway.. yeah.. i said it. i miss eunice. i miss her so much more than i thought i would. but i'm going to do absolutely nothing about it, becos she has moved on in her life, so much. You've blessed her n sent her on a pathway which doesn't cross with mine anymore. who am i to argue with that? as long as she's happy doing Your will, serving n loving You even more passionately than before, i should be happy for her n not hinder her in anyway.

i'm sorry God, for being so selfish n always thinking of myself. always trying to say i'm lonely so i have no motivation to do stuff, blah blah.. that i need friends to stir me up constantly.. blah blah. truth is, i have wandered so far from You i don't even think i can see the outer court of the tabernacle aymore. don't even talk about entering the Holy of Holies, when i'm so dirty with sin n laziness, n pride, n lust, n selfishness... the sin nature hasn't been broken in my life yet, n all i show everyday is simply a show. trying to be the best Christian that i can, not even knowing if all i do is for You, or to glorify myself. i hope to God i don't do things simply to get "noticed" or to show my seniority, or to get fame or be popular or whatever... i hate to be the one serving n serving n yet not knowing why or who he is serving. God i don't think You'd want me to serve You if i'm really doing all this for myself.. i want to believe that I'm doing it for You, yet i cannot have that assurance, becos i'm happy with what i'm doing most of the time. i get so confused, cos serving You is sometimes a joy, n yet sometimes a drag. so which is it really?

doing more QT n reading the Bible should give me the answers i seek... i will after my last paper, i promise You. i will seek You like neever before, i will try everything i can to find the meaning of my life in Christ.

In Jesus name,
Amen.

IP Exam tml!

dear Lord,

haven't really made a prayer thru this blog for quite some time, but thought of making a quick prayer request since tml is my first exam paper!

i've really tried my best for the past weeks.. well maybe not my total best.. i admit i still laze around a lot, n don't really feel any inspiration to study for the coming exams. don't really know why, but for this semester i really don't have much motivation to study.. perhaps cos my law study friends are all not in singapore, n i feel really helpless n alone in law school, don't really know pple around that i can ask for help, aside from yongji n shawn. thank God for their notes n tuition...

i pray that You help me spot all the relevant issues, n help me to write as fast as possible, n write cohesive logical sentences which support my conclusion. thank You for all the times which You've been there for me this year, all i ask for is for You to continue to help me n guide me thru my exams this week.. thats really the biggest thing i'm ever going to ask from You this year.. its the most important thing to me, of cos after You..

yes i have a lot of issues to settle after the exams, but i know my priority is first to be the best student tat i can be for You, so that in the future i can really shine in the market place.. i don't know what are my strengths in law sch. to be honest, i think i really am lousy at law, i don't have the powerful language, or analysing ability, or the connections with big business pple n big law firms.. n worst of all i don't know what to specialize in. i wanna do family law, public law, legislature n stuff like that, but i'm afraid that i'm not good in those things, n worse, i don't get the support of my family n friends.. pls help me decide what to do God. i don't really want to go n waste my time anymore, as nonchalant n indifferent as i want to feel...

in Jesus name,
Amen

Dedication post to the 26 Osaka players

Wow.. just looking at the photo gives me an idea of how the team would look like in a movie! Strikeforce - Operation Osaka! hahaha...

maybe here's what the lead cast will look like in the movie, or maybe computer game (haha!) :

Bro Tan Boon - The Leader aka Stryker (pri attribute - strength)

Powers (passive): Super strength with factor x5, super endurance with factor x5, super speed factor x5

Powers (active): Power-up mode - deals 3 times normal damage for 3 minutes stunning opponents for 45 seconds, Frenzy - increase speed by 10 times for 1 minute

Ultimate: Warstomp - deal area effect damage, causing tremors and rocks to split, with resounding explosions, stunning all opponents for 2 minutes

Jennifer - Frostbyte (pri attribute - intelligence)

Powers (passive): super endurance with factor x2, evasion of 75%

Powers (active): Frost nova - area effect damage, causing icicles to pierce through area, slowing all movements for 3 minutes, Ice-shield - creates tough shield to deflect attacks for 2 minutes

Ultimate: Hailstorm - hail and ice storm over large area, slowing opponents for 1.5 minutes

Titus - Tycontus (pri attribute - agility)

Powers (passive): super endurance factor x4, super speed factor x3, super jump factor x 3

Powers (active): Windmill - Swings body n legs in spiral action, knocking out opponents, Tyco - strikes with x5 strength and accuracy

Ultimate: Tycotastomp - creates horde of Tyconduses which stomp to special rythmn dealing shock damage and throw sharpnel at enemies

Luke - Lukade (pri attribute - intelligence)

Powers (passive): increases intelligence and manna of surrounding friends by factor x4

Powers (active) : Lukmobile - summons various Lukreations to battle enemies, Electric shock - deals massive damage to enemies thru overloading of new hitech gadgets, stunning them for 10 seconds

Ultimate: Luke Rocks - strikes ultimate poses, striking intense fear into enemies and reducing opponents intelligence to zero

ok miss L, this post is for you!

Right, so many things i wanna share with you before you go for your camp, all the Bible knowledge n theory stuff, but also more important issues.. nevertheless, the Bible study issues first..

1. Acts was written by Luke.

2. You were right, there are 9 gifts of the Spirit. They are: wisdom, knowledge, faith, healings, miracles, prophecy, discernment, tongues, interpretation of tongues.
1 Cor 12:7-10

3. There are also 9 fruits of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. (the "faith" gift of the Spirit is different from the "faithfulness" fruit)
Eph 5:22-23

4. Jesus talks about what a fruit is, different from a gift, and how a person is to be measured, by his fruits, which take time to cultivate.
Jn 15:16, Mt 7:16

5. Interesting point to note, Jesus was mentioned as a lawyer in 1 Jn 2:1! So it is a biblical profession! hehz..

Anyway, i must say i am very impressed with your Bible knowledge, i don't think many pple know so much about the book of Acts! haha, i'm sure your kids will have a "nice" time trying to answer those questions! hehz..

But MORE IMPORTANTLY...

aside from all the bible knowledge n stuf, there's many more issues which i always wanted to talk to you about, but can't really figure out how n when.. but i guess you should hear it before you go for your camp. Holy Spirit wouldn't let me sleep until i've told you this, so here it goes..

Remember you were telling me about how you felt so guilty about always committing the same old sins again n again, n i was telling u not to feel guilty but to change yr ways? i felt the urgency even more so when u r about to go for your camp as one of the chaperons or leaders. i think about 80 students r attending the camp, with about a dozen leaders or camp facilitators?

First thing you should bear in mind is that you are a leader is God's kingdom. you were chosen by God for the job, n u r leading 80 students in a camp. the Bible says in Mt 20:16 that many are called, but few are chosen. many pple are called into His kingdom, but how many are chosen to lead? leaders have a responsibility to lead. to be an example to others, to teach n impart to them values, beliefs, lifestyles. some pple think being a leader (in church or wherever) means having power n authority. yes, that is true, as a leader you are given authority, but not to abuse the power, but for His purpose. Mt 28:18-20 Jesus was given authority n passed it to His pple, for the Great Comission, n in verse 20 says "teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you". Teach your camp students the best that you can. Going out on a saturday night to club isn't exactly glorifying God. You told me yourself that anything that doesn't glorify God is sin, and i totally agree with that. of cos you can do things which doesn't qualify as a "sin", like for example, i like to sleep long hours, n watch DVDs quite often. but if i know that i need to study, or i need to pray, or i need to reach out n help some new believers n give bible study, yet i'm wasting my time sleeping or watching TV, that is counted as sin also! You know what i mean, probably even more so than me.

Secondly, i think that you have so much more potential than what you think. i mean, the signs r there, being elected a team leaders, etc. Isaiah 64 n 1 Cor 2:9 says eyes has not seen, ear has not heard what God has in store for those who love Him. i believe that you need a break thru, to see how to much potential you have, n how you can release those God-giving potential, n see the results of yr effort. i have never seen u as a bimbo, n u must never think that way. see yourself as how God sees you, a beautiful creation, who is wonderfully and fearfully made in the image of God Himself. yeah true, we're not perfect, we sin n fail n mess up ever so often. but then thats why we need God, thats why we rely on the Holy Spirit, not on our own strength.

as you enter the work force next year, i really pray that you remain a good Christian, n move from glory to glory, n really mature n rise up more in your church. many pple i know become less on fire for God once they start working, become more cynical n laid back in a sense. don't ever let the world influence you negatively, but let God use you to impact the world positively!

enjoy your camp! we'll meet up after my exams ok? maybe catch another movie, perhaps a not so thought-provoking one? hahaha..

weiwen

God this is for You.

Dear heavenly Father,

oh God, its been so long since i ever read the Bible so enthusiastically, n i really praise You for stirring up my interest back in Your Word, ever since the Tabernacle Bible study in church, followed by the intriguing questions that pple have been asking me, followed by a very heavy touch from the Holy Spirit at the second night of the seminar, has led me to really decide to be serious about Your Word n prayer.. to always watch n pray, to do what Jesus wanted His disciples to do, to never fall asleep at the most crucial moments in life. thank You for such a great preacher n pastor n teacher, pastor Kong.

i've many sins in my life. many BIG sins. very difficult to overcome those big ones.. tendency to stary from You, the goat nature, the tendency to indulge in immoral thoughts, the fleshly nature.. even right now while i'm typing on the blog for You, the old bad habits seem to gnaw at my mind. Yet i promised You i won't go back there again, i won't go the way of the backslider, having tasted Your glory n Your holiness, Your mercy and Your grace.. Lord please empower me to break free of those sinful thoughts n lifestyles, to stop living a defeated, fearful, double-minded life, but to make a decision to stand on Your promises, to stand on Your Word!

God, the dream of becoming a cell leader is so long gone.. i'm afraid that its dead. i've begun the year so well, n yet it all got from bad to worse in the middle n now.. i'm a in a very terrible position, emotionally, physically, spiritually. but nevertheless, i believe that You'll come thru for me, You will give me another chance. as i pray about it, You will give me revelations once again, You will show up in the power of Your presence in my room, where i seek You day n night, You will empower me n strengthen me, encourage me n fill me with the power of the Holy Spirit once again!!

i've been a disappointment to so many pple around me, yet i want to please You, to do the things that makes You happy, for You deserve nothing but my best. Jesus, You died on the cross for me, i will not let You do that in vain. i will not let You down, n will maintain a good attitude, a good prayer life, and all in all, a good loving relationship with You again, Lord Jesus.. let me love You for who You are, not just for what You've done for me. Let me love You for You n not any other reason, let me know You so intimately n heart-warmingly.

to all the pple i've let down n disappointed, i want to tell them i'm sorry. I'm so sorry for letting You down so many times as well. but today i make a decision, regret isn't going to help me, but let me be changed by the renewing of my mind by Your Word!

i will do what You have called me to do. just tell me what to do, show me Your will, n i will do it, with Your Holy Spirit in me, with Jesus leading me, with Father Lord looking after me, guiding me, protecting me.

Let me wake up tml morning, feeling like a brand new person, a son of God!

In Jesus name,
Amen!

wat a weird dream?

can't believe that i actually dreamt that someone kissed me.. omg.. i must start waking up earlier before i dream such weird stuff again.. she's like a little sister to me, she's the best friend of one of my choir guys, n i don't think she n me will be possible ever! haha.. just take it as a stupid dream.. though in the dream i was shocked but still pleasantly surprised.. i actually did like her for awhile, some months ago.. but then again it was just a crush, i knew it was a silly crush n nothing more.. but she is really a nice sweet girl, whom i really don't mind dating if i was like, 4 years younger. hahaha...

i'm off to catch a show with tat someone, who has made me feel so confused lately... i dunno.. exams in 2 weeks, yet i still wanna watch the show with her.. i wonder why.. i don't even meet anyone else to go out, except to study n mug..

hehz...

chill man, you're getting too tensed!!

ww

yupz its the latter.

in response to your surprisingly quick comments... (ok this is dumb i dun know when u're gonna read this, but anyway i can't sleep again, as usual..)

yes at the pre-U sem, u did do the latter. n why did it matter to me? cos i had an awful huge crush on u way back then, which i'm totally surprised u don't remember. what u did on that last day.. meant a lot to me, n i was talking to my buddies in sch about it for weeks. =P oh well, guess it wasn't such a big deal to u. afterall, u had 3 guys (i.e. jake, david, me) who hit on u at the pre-U sem. i even remember u had david call me to try to force a "confession" out of me, cos i played dumb all along.. if u can't remember, i'll tell u more when we meet up yeah.

and as for joining AA, well one of my new year resolutions is gonna be to keep tabs on yr drinking habits.. i suppose this is somehow related to the "sinful" things u've been trying to abstain from, aside from clubbing. hey u r in charge of 120 sec sch kids in yr church, so do the right thing yeah.. stop feeling guilty bout doing the wrong things, stop doing them n do the right things instead. i always get so tempted to club n drink n smoke n stuff, but in the end, i still don't. in frustration, i play counterstrike, or log on to MSN n complain, or complain on my blog. haha.. not exactly a wonderful alternative, but a lesser of 2 evils?

i am so looking fwd to emily rose, i think its a miracle u agreed to a horror show, haha! but if after the movie u wanna get all intellectual n analytical about the content.. well, dun need to think so much, just sit back relax n enjoy the story (however whimsical it may be). n a ski mask? what're u, the new friday the 13th serial killer? haha...

ww

Thanks for a great nite.. The Legend of Zorro lives on..

Hi miss L!

I jus wanna dedicate a small entry to this wonderful fren who has always been reading my blog n feeling the pain n sadness n joy n stuff, this person whom i've known since i was 18.

wasn't it funny how we met? at the pre-u sem way back in 2000. yup, the michaelangelo pics r still in my folder, esp the one we took by the stairs on the second last nite. i still remember what happened on the very last day, after i shook hands with my whole team, you were the last person i turned to bid farewell, yet u gave me something i least expected.. i don't even think u knew what u were doing at that time right? hahaha.. there was this whole confusion thingy with david n jake too, haha..

So u better remember the promise alright? when we're 40? hahaha..

i was pretty shacked out by the time u smsed me, but oh well, since this is like the 1st time u actually asked me for a show, n the last time i played u out, i sort of felt i owed u a show. but thanks for paying for me, by the way! haha..

actually i didn't really enjoy the show so much as the conversations with u, in the car, at starbucks, n on the way home.. its rare that i find a person whom i can talk to at my level, who actually uses words like "impertious" and "perpetual", who catches my puns n cheesey jokes, who talks about 101 things within 5 minutes. haha.. cos its like, with my other frens, they usually dun get my "american"-style humour, cos they're too used to low class slap stick local humour... i call it toilet bowl humour, for want of a better name. hehz..

we gotta get together more often yeah? u're gonna get a real job so soon, i'm still studying for another 1.5 years, but nevertheless, the ties that bind r still strong.. our relationship with God is always a drawing factor. let's always encourage each other in our walk with Him alright? yeah, we have our differences in opinion, but we still serve the same God.

totally enjoyed the time spent wif u. emily rose next week alright? weekday show, my treat, its cheaper. haha!

thanks for being a great fren.

ww