Friday, September 30, 2005

Dear God..

dear Lord..

its been quite a long time since i last wrote to You.. been off track writing nonsense n song lyrics n stuff, but forgot the real reason why i started this blog in the first place... is so that i can really tell You everything tat's in my heart n in my mind.. stuff that i can't really tell anyone cos its so weird to share with others knowing that they'd probably not really know what i mean, or what i feel..

its about 430 am in the morning and i'm going to sleep really soon... really not doing well spiritually or academically or emotionally or physically these few days... or rather to be completely honest, weeks?

i'm going to japan next weekend n i really thank You for this trip with the strikeforce guys.. they're so much fun and happening people! i really love them so much its amazing! hahaha... also thank You for the chalet this coming weekend.. although i get a feeling that i'll be disappointed by the turn out, cos a lot of pple r bz with exams, n having SF practice... but nevermind, as long as i have my cell group with me, my most beloved friends.. thats all that matters.. in fact i wish my cousins n family could stay over with me, but i guess that'll be a bit weird, having frenz n family altogether!

that day watched Stomp with the strikeforce pple, got to sit next to a really sweet girl, if she was any older i think i would've fallen for her liao, but she's too young! hahaha.. then that other song loving girl, who is actually quite chio, share so similar music tastes as me, we can practically sing along all day long! hahah.. but too bad she's only 16, oh they're always too young for me.. i must be getting old! hahaaha..

buy anyway.. just wanna pray that all the crappy assignments i've handed up manage to get a pass or do a bit better than expected.. cos i have a sinking feeling tat i'm gonna screw up big time for my studies this semester.. haven't really been studying. always too bz with tuition n ministry, n of cos wasting time on my computer and watching TV everyday! must really learn how to control myself... stop wasting time wacthig stupid shows on TV!

God i know You are great, but i know i'm only human.. i fall n fall n fall again all the time, if You're not there to pick me up this time, i don't know how i'll be able to survive.. n honestly i felt a bit offended when yujie said that i don't really have any idea of the problems that other pple face becos i "lead too good a life". i mean, what is that supposed to mean? i'm supposed to suffer along with everyone else? i'm just a guy who knows how to joke n take things with a smile rather than complain about it. i'm always so positive tat it sickens me sometimes.. i can't help but be nice. oh God, i'm not boasting, but i realy really don't want to be a nice guy anymore... becos nice guys don't get what they deserve.. they only get abused and taken advantaged of.

i'm on myy toes 24-7, waiting to see if someone will scold me, tell me to buck up, or whatever. whether is it yujie, or my choir IC, or even some of my more mature frenz in church.. im really tired of listening to advice.. i want to just serve You and enjoy fellowshipping with You.. to get info n revelation from You! everything just seems to be telling me i'm wrong all the time, i try to do something right last week by "taking charge" of the cell while yujie isn't around.. n then i got the whole cg lost in NTU! what kind of leader gets his team lost??

felt like such a loser.. n she seriously wasn't helping by laughing about it all the way.. giving me the "i told u we should've gotten off earlier" kind of attitude.. seriously she sometimes annoys me so much i wonder if she's not in church would i even bother being friends with her..

n honestly Lord, i'm going to be 23 in a few days.. n i'm feeling realy really lousy about myself.

this whole year what have i done for You? what is it that You're happy with me about? it seems that everything i do always inevitably fails no matter how hard i try.. to be a CGL by this year end? i don't think so. my voice is so soft i can't even hear myself during cell group. i can't lead games without losing my voice. i can't provide counselling cos pple don't take me seriously... God i'm so sorry for throwing away the majority of 2005.. wasting time with the wrong people, doing the wrong things, sinning against You wilfully again n again until i disgust even myself..

But yet, this year has also been a good year.. where i've done so much for You in so many areas as well.. its so confusing, the more i love n serve You, the more enjoyable it becomes, n yet more problems n troubles seem to surface.. my lazy n wavering character is brought to light more n more often, as i cannot hide behind any mask anymore.. if i am to be a leader, i have to be one who is true n transparent for all to see n criticize.. n to be able to stand before You every single day knowing that i've done my best.. done what i needed to do to fulfil my destiny in You..

My heart will sing how great is our God.. as lonely as i feel, as alone, as terrible as i feel, sure i may cry about it sometimes.. but at the end of the day i need to find shelter in You, to seek You n hide in my secret place, to hide under Your shadow.. dwell in Your secret place where i can find all the comfort n security i need.. oh Lord how i want to feel loved by You.. to be so warm in Your conforting embrace..

cleanse me n make me whole again dear God.. let me be focused on You n stop running around doing things, n start loving You and thats all that i need to do.. Love You, worship You, know You, treasure You, adore You... Jesus, i want to be Your friend once again.. Holy Spirit come n dwell within me, stay with me, empower me to do Your will everyday.. i can't live without You, my sanity, my mind, my dreams n visions, live with You.. without You they'll just die out, without Your living water, they'll dry up. let YourWord n encouraging promises always be inside my heart, n let the fear of the Lord strike me whenever i want to do something wrong.. the fear of God is the begining of wisdom... let me reverend You n honour You properly Lord...

In Jesus name,
AMen!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Trying to get back on track!

so many things to settle this week!

1. Birthday chalet, celebration with eunice

2. Dinner with strikeforce before stomp on tues

3. extra tuition lessons cos of exams

4. cell group arrangements, bible studies

5. settle issues with choir members with AP

6. finish my bio-tech assignment before i go overseas!

oh man this is going to be a heck of a fast-paced week!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

You're Beautiful.. But its time to face the truth... I will never be with you..

Yup,

as the chorus to that James Blunt song says.. haha he really says it so bluntly, no doubt about it!

Like what she said, we're freaking opposites.

So i sang a song, rebuked her for some vulgarity, had lunch together a few times. so what is it?

i don't know... i guess she seems so much like the kind of girl i'd wanna be with, if i'm still the same kinda person like in my JC days.. haha..

and it is true.. she is rather beautiful.. haha..

wonder if she will puke when she sees such stuff.. but the last line on the latest entry of her blog, i really feel butterflies in my stomach wondering if she was refering to this person in particular.. with really wonderfully witty initials..

How often did we meet?

like maybe, once every few months? for a nice dinner, movie, or a play at esplanade? and all along wat exactly did i treat her as? to be completely honest...?

like some kind of dream girl. the kind of girl that guys would love to date. the kind that never would be interested in me, so what the heck, if friends is the max it'll go to, then friends is what i'll settle for.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

rushed an assignment in 5 hours.. think i'm dead

oh man how careless can i get...

a 4000 word limit paper, to be submited on mon 5 pm, i only started doing at 4 pm cos i toally forgot about it! n it takes up 30% of my final grade! oh man...

praying for a D at least, cos i know i'm so dead.

but honestly i don't really care.. enjoying my CD now haha!

yesterday my fren requested a song by James Blunt, so i figured out the chords in about 3 min n sang it to her.. haha! oh man, i think she was practially swooning liao lah! hehz... wat is it with girls n a guy singing songs with a guitar? anyway its alright, cos we're just frenz... she's got like some french guy studying overseas liao.. SPG! hahaha.. whats so bad about local guys?

anyway feel like jamming!! so long never step into a music studio liao! argh.....

thats all folks, see ya later....

Monday, September 19, 2005

I'm NOT ok - the story of my life!! wahahaha...

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means(I'm not okay)To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed
I'm okayI'm okay!
I'm okay, now(I'm okay, now)
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!(Trust Me)
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okayI'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay(Okay)
Hahaha.. this song rocks.. just learnt how to play it on electric guitar! can't wait to jam with cell group! but really damn sian.. always need to do stuff with everyone.. just wanna jam with a few pple lah... jeremiah, clarence, sweekeng.. don't feel like doing big activities anymore...

Suddenly very into Goth Punk!

Recently dunno why, don't really feel like listening to anything except punk rock goth stuff.. Probably the music reflects my mood right now? Angst driven, desperation, frustration.. Having to do the right thing all the time.. sometimes just wanna do what i want to do, you know what i mean?

Have no more inspiration to write stories.. actually i do have the flash of inspiration now n then.. but then again, see no purpose in it anymore.. So once again, ladies and gentlemen.. go listen to My Chemical Romance... n my message to everyone... SO LONG AND GOODNIGHT!!

Long ago
Just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you B
urning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Can you hear me? Are you near me? Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet againWhen both our cars collide?
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Friday, September 16, 2005

its been a WHOLE year!

just realised that i started blogging in sept 2004, so its almost a whole year since i began blogging! lolz! happy blogger birthday! hahahaha....

just came home from strikeforce meeting.. God, it was so fun! i mean, i really enjoy spending time with my fellow strikeforce members, i love them all, n i feel so accepted n can totally be myself with them!

can't wait for the osaka trip! really hope my rashes don't flare up in a foreign place! will pray for lots of healing n bring lots of medication there just in case!

i'm pretty tired.. n to be honest, kind of lonely.. when i think of those times when i was together with someone.. kinda miss those moments.. haha, sentimental songs on the radio always get me nostalgic..

nites

Monday, September 12, 2005

stuck in library cos late for lesson...

This is so ridiculous.. i woke up early today to go to sch n who knows, i was late, n the classroom was so full i couldn't get in.. anyway note to self, wake up earlier next week on monday morning!! hahaha...

Anyway, i've got so much notes to study i think i'm gonna puke... 3 stacks of notes to read! this is getting ridiculous.. sighz..

But on the way to sch i was listening to pastor ulf's CD on the music breakthru.. n it was simply amazing.. i was listening to it n driving to sch in a rush, yet i still felt so touched n moved in e spirit! i was even tearing at the prophecy, cos i know itz gonna affect me in so many ways!

i really thank God that He's raised me up in so many areas, in the cell group guitarist ministry, choir ministry, and of cos the strikeforce ministry! its all musically related! who knows, maybe one day i'll write a song for the church! hahaha.. yup, thats my goal, to write an album of songs within the next few years.. so far i've written only 1 good one!

was so challenged by pastor tan's svc last week, yet pastor kong's msg on being a true worshipper on sunday was so impacting cos i really had a vision while he was preaching.. about the mercy of God, who remembers not all our sins, but forgives, forgets and loves us totally all the time. God is so merciful, yet this aspect was never seen by me in a long time... always thought that God wants me to excel, failure is a disgrace to Him, so i always think if i can't do it well, then i won't do it at all.. but this thinking is wrong. if i don't do it, true i won't make mistakes, but then i won't learn anything, and I'm not giving God a chance to intervene n come through for me! i may be even cutting back on a manifestation of the power n miracles of God when i shrink back in fear, instead of stepping out in faith.

God, i want a walking-on-water experience!

anyway tonight is SF training for the osaka trip, n i must say, i've never felt so at home with any bunch of friends than the strikeforce pple! i don't know why, but they just feel like family! perhaps its cos they come in different age groups n backgrounds, yet we all have 2 things in common, a love for God, and a passion to reach out thru drumming! i have always believed that the strikeforce will go many places, it will be famous thru out the Christian world, n even in the secular world, n the members who are now all young n in their sec sch, will eventually grow up into strong, spiritual, passionate men n women of God! and i'm so glad tat You allowed me to be part of this wonderful ministry, to help out when it was 1st started!

actually i've been in so many ministries, i've had my fun in the drama ministry, acted for at least 3-4 large events, been in choir for 5 years, served as guitarist for cell group n Bible studies, keyboard player for zone musician, helped out several occasions in children's church, even ushered at a few events, ex-contact head for the strikeforce, and i think thats all. yeah.. God i've had my fun these past few years, n You've been great all along, blessing me, touching n changing me..

But from now, i will be about my Father's business. time to really get serious with You! to know Your will, n doing it, to see Your vision n striving to attain it, with the Holy Spirit empowering me all the way.

Thank You for the vision yesterday at svc! Of a blinding light piercing its way into my body, straight at my heart, puncturing a hole thru my body, n slowly burning away all the dirt n sins in my life! Then slowly the light transformed n formed angel wings on my back! n i know those are not my wings, but the wings of God... i will rise on eagle's wings, like what Your Word says.. You will take me up n soar like never before, but only if i trust in You, only if i do whatever is right, whatever You want me to do.. somehow my brain thinks this is unfair, its dictatorship, yet in my spirit i'm rejoicing cos i feel its the right thing to do! its so weird, my mind conflicting with my heart n spirit. but thank God i'm 2/3 spirit and 1/3 flesh amen! i will rise on eagle's wings, the sin of the world holds no appeal to me... let it be so for as long as i serve You!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Throw my life away for the temporal things?

Heartbroken...

Feeling sick...

Feel like giving up... Running away.......

Don't feel like praying, don't feel like organising anything.............

Feel like running away.................... feel like everything's meaningless...................................

Feel like i'm becoming less n less feeling, more n more doing............... Feel like i don't know what i'm doing anymore..........

Friday, September 02, 2005

End of Days 6 - picking up the pieces

End of Days 6 - To kill or to be killed, that is the question.

Hours of doom loomed in the horizon. Smoke and fire burned, strange mists surrounded the whole island of Singapore. Apparently the magnetic impulse had caused the earth to split, and natural gas released beneath the island began to burst forth. Ordinarily, this would be a much-welcomed miracle, a natural resource hidden within our packed island, a new source of income! Yet now, the natural gas released quickly caught fire and spread round the island, making the whole landscape seem like a nightmarish lake of fire - it was like being in hell. Fire fighters were busy trying to put out the fiercest fires at the kallang gas works, where huge explosions and ripped out chunks of roads and destroyed several buildings. The police and army were mobilised to try to keep the peace and maintain order in the midst of all these chaos, which seemed an impossible task. Angry and panicky mobs rampaged through the streets, pillaging and stealing and destroying at will, and few were actually subdued by the authorities. Dead bodies lay in the dozens all around, a terrible stench filling the air as the sun beat down on the remaining survivors. Electricity and water for half of the island was cut off. But all this is unimportant, as we now look at how Vash, Swen, Wendy and the Hongkong Triad gang Inertia react to the worst consequence of all - dealing with the undead.

---

Lance and his band of breakers-turned-vigilantes-with-awesome-weapons got off their vehicles and gathered round Vash to decide what to do.

"Vash! The police and army can't even deal with the general population, they can't do a thing about these zombies! They probably don't even know about it!!" Jiacholate exclaimed.

"Yeah man! Let's just shoot them all up! Hahahaha!" Tosh and Nic raised their rifles, obviously bursting with excitement at having the chance to fire some serious hardware.

Wendy was flabbergasted and replied, "No! How do you know there isn't a cure for this? You can't just go about murdering people!"

"Oh come on! Look at them!" Jiacholate stepped on a severed arm, which was still twitching and crushed it under her boot. Half a face lay splattered near the arm, and the eyeballs still turned! "You call this a sickness?? They're monsters! And we gotta get them before they get us!"

"Calm down, all of you." Vash spoke finally.Right now, all he wanted to do was to get back to church to check on Meryl. "Let's just head back to church and re-group and plan what to do."

"WHat?? You're all just gonna do nothing and sit and talk?? You useless chicken !@#$! We should fight!!" Death-Huade spurted out fiery words, angered by inaction.
"Yeah! Let's kick some butt!!" Tosh and Nic echoed, grinning savagely.

"No! I'm heading back to church. You all decide if you want to follow!" Vash was firm. Swen and Wendy headed with him back to the black Spyder. Vash looked back and see who would join them.

Jordan seemed uncertain, but then reeved up his bike and steered toward Vash. Jiacholate appeared to be arguing with Dome and Lance, while the rest simply sneered and turned away. Jaws looked back with a glint of doubt, but then had decided to follow the majority. Jiacholate stepped out of the rover angrily, GPMG slung over her shoulder with a few hundred rounds of bullets, and ran toward Vash. "Wait guys! I'm coming with you!"

A hint of a smile formed on Vash's face. He had badly wanted Jiacholate to follow them, she was a good friend of his. "So here's where we part company yet again.." his gaze followed the triad of Inertia and he muttered a silent prayer for them. Swen asked "so where we're going now?" Vash answered,"i don't know why, but i feel that we really ought to go..."

---

"...wake up! C'mon!" Bourne gently shook Mikki, and she finally began to stir. Still a little dazed by the deafening demolition, but otherwise alright. She looked at Bourne, and realized he wasn't in good shape at all, despite the smile on his face. A shard had pierced his right hip, and it was bleeding profusely. "Mikki, can you cycle? I can't carry you on my bike in this condition.." he mumbled apologetically. "what? then what about you??" mikki asked. Bourne just shrugged and replied "maybe i'll walk to the nearest hospital.."

Mikki sighed. She pulled out her roller blades from her backpack and started to put them on to the amazement of Bourne.

"C'mon! We've got to find Vash and the rest! They're probably at church already.." Mikki gestured to Bourne to keep up with her, as she zoomed past him on her blades. "Oh.. and thanks for saving my life."

"Mikki! Watch OUT!!" Bourne yelled.

As if by instinct, Mikki breaked hard and came to a stop, inches before crashing into a passerby. He looked at her blankly, obviously in shock. She began to apologise when suddenly the man roared and grabbed her shoulder!

"Let go of me!" Mikki struggled, but the man just snorted and grabbed on tighter, opened his mouth and then..

SLAM!!

Mikki had thrown him to the ground with an expert judo throw. She dusted her shoulder and said," That'll teach you to mess with a girl!"

Bourne took no chances and cycled past, his bike wheels crushing the legs of the man, and Mikki grabbed onto his bike, and they zoomed off toward Jurong West street 91. It would be a long journey. And they didn't even suspect anything about the zombies yet.

"Woah!!" Bourne breaked again and this time almost crashed into a lamp post that fell down suddenly in front of him, blocking their way. "Let's go onto the road," he and Mikki turned to the right and went about 50 meters before coming across a burning gasoline truck, overturned and blocking the main road as well. "Erm, ok, we'll cut thru the HDB blocks then." They weaved back and forth thru the void decks of the HDB blocks, when suddenly noticed people surrounding them from all sides. People who were burnt or injured or hideously mangled. Who couldn't possibly be alive!! thought Mikki. They're trying to get us!

"Oh man, this doesn't look good.."Bourne started to perspire cold sweat. More and more of them groaned and surrounded them. Mikki kicked into action, using her heavy blades to strike at the ankles of the nearest "people", causing them to tumble and fall. "Jump!" Mikki commanded and lept over the fallen ones. Bourne followed closely behind on his bike. "This way!" Bourne saw Mikki point to an alley and went in. "Noo! Not there!! Its a dead end!!" Bourne shouted, but too late. He went in after her, and they came to face a 5 meter high brick wall about 20 meters ahead. They turned around, only to face another horde of monsters blocking their path entirely!

Each minute passed agonizingly, as they backed up against the wall. "Any plans?" Bourne asked. "Go down fighting." Mikki put up her clenched fists. Bourne had never fought anyone in his life, but this was really too much for him to handle. He closed his eyes and grimaced.

KABOOM!!!

The wall collasped behind them, flooding the alley in a blinding flash of sunlight!

"Cover me!!" Vash dashed forward, Dessert Eagle in each hand, while Jiacholate laid down covering fire, taking off not a few zombie heads, sending them drowning in a splash of blood. Vash took down the nearest 2 zombies, then grabbed Mikki and Bourne by their collars and forced them towards the car. Jiacholate's machine gun had jammed and 1 tough looking muscular zombie had somehow made its way toward the car! Vash was trying to reverse while Swen and Wendy were tending to Mikki's and Bourne's wounds, nobody noticed the zombie until it climbed on the car and almost attacked Jiacholate, when POW!! It exploded into a mass of flesh and flew all over the alley.

Jiacholate was stunned. She had been too busy unjamming her gun to realise she was almost caught in the jaws of death. Jordan lowered his shotgun and turned his harley davidson around, and Vashed stepped on the accelerator. They sped off, while the alley became filled with more of the undead, crying out in anguish as their food got away.