Thank You..

Dear Lord,

as i'm sitting here typing this out, my true feelings begin to flow out of my heart, my tears, my love for You has indeed grown so cold n distant these past few months.. i've relied more n more on my own strength, always want to do things my own way, not really caring about others anymore..

is it cos i'm getting sick of serving n beginning to look at my own needs first? but this only happens when i don't draw my energy from You anymore... need to really get back my walk with You properly..

this song is from me to You, i pray that every word i sing will be from the bottom of my heart, that i mean what i sing, n sing what i mean..

Thank You
For the chance to live again
For Your grace that never ends
Always I will sing of Your praise

Hallelujah.. hallelujah.. hallelujah..
My beloved King to You i sing

You mean everything to me
You're all this world will never be
Your name reigns in my heart
You're all that I depend on

its such a simple song, n yet so touching, goes to the very center of my heart, simple words expressing my love n worship for You..

all i want is to spend an hour worshipping You, praying, reading the Bible, every single morning or night.. i think i'll try morning when i'm fresher n when there's no distractions. i know that when i focus on You my problems will all get smaller n You will truly reign in my life..

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen!

oh man what a sign!

dear Heavenly Father..

things have again happened so fast that i really dunno how i can chronicle everything down here while i'm still awake but i'll try. i know You are waiting for me to tell You all about my day n what i've learnt n how i can serve You more n what Your will is for me..

one thing that struck me last night was tat i never really prayed much about becoming a cell leader. i only remember You telling me that distinctly in 2004 at the beginning of the year, but after that for some silly reasons i ceased praying about it n just starting working towards it. help me to really focus on Your will for me n stop being distracted by everything else in my life!! circumstances change all the time, but only Your Word remains the truth forever..

oh no that is so annoying!! colin just went offline n cut off sending me 2 songs which i really like..! but anyway i dont need a song to worship You, worship is an attitude n a behaviour, not a song or a poem. offering is worship in giving. drumming is worship in itself as well! thats why i was a bit annoyed when Tisha said that she preffered choir to strikeforce becos choir was a spiritual ministry. well, strikeforce may be young in Christ, but the pple r just as on fire for God as anyone else! just becos they express their worship n creativity thru drumming doesn't mean they aren't as "spiritual" as choir members! in fact i would rate the unity n friendship in SF to be much more real than in the choir.. God i only joined choir as a ministry so i could serve You. in the beginning, i never intended to stay in the choir for long. yet for SF i can really see the potential, which is more than i can say for choir.. i feel the choir is too large, n not really managed properly. i can't believe tat every service has almost 100 choir members, n yet only around 5-6 helpers becos the members do not want to rise up! i can't believe that.. cos i believe that every Christian wants to rise up in whatever ministry You've called them into! i really pray for more n more guys n girls to rise up in the choir, be more committed n to have a willing n servant's heart..

even for myself Lord, i really pray for N280 right now. cos we're really going thru the sifting n times of tribulation.. in 2004 we went thru that as well, but things suddenly exploded after Emerge 2004 n many many new friends n members started coming in, so i don't want to give up hope just yet.. even though things seem so bleak at the moment, bingyu leaving for another church, pak lying to us n blatently avoiding us, kenneth not trusting us n straying away into bad company, qingni feeling left out of the cell, etc.. there's also many good things happening, etc mikki n clarence really rising up, joan reaching out to many frenz, shilpa n her friend being drawn to service n cell group..Father i really pray for each n every single member of the cell group that they really begin to see the problems n start praying hard n taking action, to take ownership of the cell group.. n of cos this leads to myself. i need to be less selfish n do more for the members.. i know it myself. sometimes i feel so burdened.. i have a duty to do it. i should be enjoying it, but i'm not.. i'm fearful n afraid of rejection, of hurting other pple, of making mistakes.. God pls help me stop being so fearful n just do what needs to be done according to your Word!

i'm really sleepy now but just adding in another few words about me n joan.. haha! we had dinner with her friend joan, whose boyfriend happens to be called weiwen as well! oh man! i can't believe it! haha.. another couple with the exact same names as me n joan! is that a sign or what? he is also 2 years older than her, n is a funny nice guy like me.. its really unbelievable! joan n i r gonna try to reach out to this sweet couple, along with anyone else who we can reach out to. God but cos of her i also feel like i'm annoyed n frustrated with certain stuff which i have no control over.. i can't prevent benjamin or yiwei or anyone else from liking Joan due to her adorable n likable character n personality.. n i got to learn to let go n let God. stop being so possessive of someone tat isn't even mine yet!!

its true, i'm afraid of losing someone who means so much to me, but yet i also need to trust You that You're in control of everything that happens, n that i can rest assured that all things work for the good of those who trust Him n love Him. even if i'm asked to give up Joan n take another vow, i must do it, cos i need to learn to submit myself to You. not to command You or take advantage of Your promises in the Bible, but to really know You well n know what You have in store for me.

2 months left in the army which i really dread. the guard duties r killing my skin! pls heal me quickly Lord, i don't want to suffer in silence while serving You the best i can. forgive me for all the wrong thoughts, wrong words, wrong attitudes.. pls forgive me n take away this punishment, which is almost too much for me to take.

In Jesus name i pray
Amen..

i've got to MOVE ON!

dear heavenly Father,

God i really need to break thru so much in my life n in everything that i do! as i talk to pple more n more, i realise how much they need You more n more, n how much I should be reaching out to them more n more, n stop being so selfish n think of my own enjoyment n happiness all the time! didn't the Bible promise me, happy are the pple who's God is the Lord? i don't need to pursue happiness, cos happiness will pursue me once i'm walking in the will of God! oh man, why is it i always take too long to understand simple revelations like that?

God i really want to see a break thru in my cell group N280. not in numbers, but in their relationship with You! i guess that when the leaders aren't doing well, it reflects on their members as well.. i'm so sorry i've ignored Your will by going after my own will, by pursuing Joan with all my time n effort.. which i could've spent on reaching out n counselling n praying n reading the Bible, n doing so many other things which r in line with Your will for me, n not trying to deceive myself by pretending that Joan is definitely the one for me. yes, she might be, n i really really do like her so much.. but i HAVE to put all those thoughts aside if i'm serious about serving You n You alone for the remainder of my vow.

Lord, i pray that as Joan does her best for Bingyu n Xianan, that You do not let her efforts be in vain, but instead multiply her efforts n enable her n empower her to really speak Your Word into the lives of the believers.. i want to be anointed too, so that when i give Bible study, it isn't dry n boring, it isn't a normal speech or whatever, but an event which spurs the Holy Spirit to surround us, that prompts God to manifest Himself in such a tangible way..

even for Pak, God i pray that i'm able to influence him n get him to open up to me n yujie even more, cos i'm really trying my best to talk to him.. pls open up a door for me to speak Your Words of wisdom into his life, so that he'll be so on fire for You once again..

God i really wish that temptations won't come my way! i get so annoyed when guys keep trying to chase joan! i dunno why it seems like an automatic reaction to get angry n jealous.. haiz. i know its not right to feel like that, God pls help me control my emotions n learn to be more accepting n forgiving.. also i need to put You first once again in my life. there's so many areas where You are not first. pst Kong always says, if God is not the Lord of all, then He's not my Lord at all! God, come into my life n take away the pain n wrong feelings once again, help me cope with all this nonsense...

i feel so helpless sometimes, cos i know i can't interfere with her affairs, i have no right to. n i should be correcting myself rather than pin pointing other pple's mistakes..

Lord, i jus spoke to wendy a bit n tried my best to get her to open up to me so i can share more of Your revelations with her, but she isn't interested in tat. maybe i can't be a CGL, cos i'm just so bad at handling pple n relationships! God i really pray tat she find herslf in You once again, that she realises her destiny n her will in You! she's a lukewarm Christian, n what does the Bible say about it? nothing good at all. i really pray that she will begin to love You so passionately n on such a deep level once again. even more myself. i pray that You speak to me, n i speak to You on such a regular basis, like that spiritual businessman who only uses 2-3 hours a day to work, asking You for the right decisions to make in his life!

i'm not handling my problems well at all.. help me Lord, before i drown in this sea of problems.. the Bible says i will not be overcome, but will overcome all things thru Him who strengthens me! one of my problems now is my skin.. its breaking out into rashes during the time i'm on duty n when i sin repeatedly against You without having true repentence..

God i pray that You come n move in the midst of the guitar lessons tml, that You use me to raise up a good n anointed guitarist for when the cell group next multiplies, probably around dec. help me to really see the bigger picture, not just even in cg, but in strikeforce, choir n every other area of my life!

its getting a bit late n i'm tired, but i still want to thank You for a great time at chill out session today.. yeah, its good to be back in action. thank You for letting me serve in choir today, to really bring down the presence of God in the main hall, though i felt that svc 5 wasn't really that good in the worhip, but YOu still eventually showed up in power n glory! You are never late nor early, You will always be in time! so i trust You that at the end of my vow, the time will come for me to be with the right person, at the right time, at the right place.

so much more to pray for, but let me recharge my faith in sleep!

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen!

What would Jesus do? WeiWen Joan Destiny..?

dear Lord,

its been really such a long time since i've prayed or written to You online, cos of being so busy with camp n stuff, n yeah, a lot has happened since the "fairy tale" supposed-ending of the whole thing..

yeah.. today really had a good time with Joan Ryan Benjamin n Ryan's other friends n the 2 kids, who r really quite cute! ryan's friend was quite chio n friendly, n she seems to be able to crack lame jokes n click with us, haha.. maybe next time invite her n her bf out together n chill out with us, more fun.. Ben was like so quiet the whole time, dunno whats wrong with him.. but anyway, can tell tat he was kinda annoyed that Joan brought me along for dinner n ruined his little date.. hahaha! but yeah, think today he should get a clear hint that Joan is like, totally over him liao lah.. hehz! a bit mean, but i think Joan was like kind of ignoring him also n kept talking to me the whole night, not sure if she's aware of it, or perhaps its just a subconcious thing. or maybe she doesn't want me to get jealous or something.. haha.. Lord, You know that i get jealous quite easily, cos i really dun wanna see the girl i love being chased by other guys.. its simply so annoying! first Kiat, then the usher guy, then benjamin, then yiwei.. i really had no idea she was being chased by so many guys! hahaha...

really had to concentrate hard on worshipping You during cg today n to avoid thinking wrong thoughts toward that yiwei.. cos i know jolly well he's joining our cg only to try to get close to Joan.. well, nice try but too bad, she's taken! hehehe..!

yeah i know i gotta abide by the policy of SCSR..

God 2 years is such a long time, who knows what will happen in that 2x365 days??

BUT GOD will not give us any trial or temptation which is too hard to bear, n will always provide for a way of escape! hahaha.. as long as i focus on You these 2 years, study hard while serving God in every area of my life, i believe i'll be too busy, too happy n too packed up to even worry about such things!

also thank You for the revelation today at the discipleship class.. i've really been quite selfish recently, doing things for my benefit, making a mess of my choir n strikeforce ministries n even cell group ministry.. but i was quite shocked when i actually confessed that out loud, n after that a wave of healing came over me, it was amazing.. truly when i confess my sins n repent, You are faithful n just to forgive me n make me feel whole again! i will take responsibility n be more accountable for all the work You've given me to do, n at the end of the day i wanna be a good n faithful servant of the Lord..

actually wanted to take party in the essay writing competition, but then again, i can't really write much about Bible characters which have influenced me, cos i don't really read the Bible that much, n thats very scary! sure, pple like Paul n Peter have influenced my life n thinking, but its the pple n pastors who preach the Word, who make the Word flesh for at least a few hours, that really impact my life..! pple like yujie, jairus, nicholas goh, glyn.. my previous cell group leaders, my best friends in church like lewis, rosa, weixiang, etc.. but of cos noone can ever take Your place in my heart!

hmm, i dunno why yujie felt the worship wasn't good, i thought it was ok, despite the cg not really knowing how to sing the song.. but perhaps its my fault also for not being about to fully concentrate on ushering in Your presence, n kept getting distracted by yiwei..but once yujie started preaching, i really didn't pay attention to him anymore, n the Word of God really captivated me! it was amazing how each point spoke to directly to me, both for the discipleship n the CG message! God, You are really making Your point super clear to me n Joan this time! hahaha...

yup, its gonna be tough practicing SCSR, yet for Your sake, to do Your will, i will do it willingly without complaints, eagerly, aggressively. i will discipline my flesh to do my QT n Bible reading, n learn to submet to yujie even more.

God, i was so touched when i read Joan's letters, i nearly cried when reading page 3 of how she remembers all the little things i did for her.. i don't think she knows, but actually when even jessie was still around, i did feel that Joan was an interesting person, someone that i might like! haha.. i've truly never seen someone more cheerful n full of faith n the joy of the Lord than her.

maybe i'll make a list of movies we've watched so far.. actually i like her for a much longer time than she realises, ever since the movies we watched together with Mikki, i already liked her liao.. haha..

BUT GOD will direct me in His ways, n for now till 2007, she really isn't the one for me, in fact noone is the one for me right now but You! help me to discover more n more of my purpose n goals n visions for You! to discover my destiny in God would be the best gift You could ever give me this year...

tml will be a new day Lord, n also a new beginning, of one of the most beautiful n enjoyable friendships that I will ever have in my life!

thank You for all You've done, for the blessings n protection upon me in camp, for the favour of men n God in so many areas, n for the healing which You will bring upon my skin as i sleep n rest! i will serve You for all of my days, i will never ever doubt You nor blame You for the bad things in life. i believe You will rise me up soon!

In Jesus name,
Amen!

WWJD - wondering what this means?

truly like a fairytale..

dear God,

i'll never ever forget today.. it seemed like a perfect day.. but until the clock struck midnight..

there's so many things that happened this few weeks.. i dun really know what to type down, cos there's just too many things to say..

but anyway today You spoke thru 2 pple, Qingni n Yujie, to tell Joan n me to be careful n not get distracted, to focus on You alone.. esp since i still on vow.. 2 more years till it ends. oh God, how i wish i were free from it! yet You told me to take it for a reason.. to learn self-control, to discipline my flesh, to really learn to trust You n focus on You alone...

[deleted cos of sensitive content]

anyway better log off b4 my com hangs again...

continuation from previous post.. =P

yeah, feel better now..

anyway yeah joan n i made a decision.. no more movie dates together, or talking past 12 midnight over the phone (aside from church stuff with yujie) n generally practicing more self-restraint. why do i say self-restraint? cos every time we meet, we will tend to want to be more intimate with each other.. haha i know its doesn't sound like us, but its true.. but of cos its not right, so everything will be put on hold until 2 years later, then we'll see if we still like each other or not.. regarding the promises we made, its sealed by You, but nevertheless even if the promises are broken, i will not hold anything against her or You, becos i know its human natuer to err. i think there's a phrase " to err is to be human, to forgive, divine." yeah its true we really need God's grace n we need to remember God's mercy cos at times when we are hurt so badly, we simply find it so difficult to forgive..

in fact while i'm writing this, i seem to want to preach about forgiveness tml. i dunno why but i think this is an area of my life which i thought was totally ok. i always didn't bother to confront this issue cos i never had anyone to forgive.. or at least i thought so. hmm.. will pray about it. Lord speak to me to give a divine word to Your people! its not me who speaks but You who speaks thru me, n if You don't wish to speak thru me, then i'd rather not speak at all, than to give others wrong revelations.

yeah, i believe its time to get back on track, be totally serious with You.

i pray tat You help me to continually reach out to kangzhong, yanyang and justin. akira is quite a crude person, but i believe that he has many issues in his life that cause him to be like that.. nevertheless, i pray for forgiveness for the loose use of my tongue to scold vulgarities.. I'm sorry Holy Spirit that i've grieved You in a moment of anger, pls forgive me.. i have this tendency to get more irritated n agitated in the army. there's always this tensed up feeling.. Lord pls replace it with the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, and let it dwell within my heart. i'm so tired of fighting my battles alone, n still rushing to help others in battle, yet ignoring the One who gives me the armour, the strength, the will to fight on.

Thanks for always giving me favour, letting me go thru the trials in life, such as the army! haha.. thank God for the time i have to read Your Word, learn more about my vision n my path in Your will.. guide me always, i want to be more obedient, more disciplined.. i still can't believe You wanted me to join NUS ministry.. i don't know anything about it, i don't see how i can serve You effectively in this area, n worse, i fear that yongji who heads it has a bad impression of me, n doesn't want me to get involved anymore.. haiz.. but i promise You i will sms him n try it out, cos if You have spoken to me, surely You have a task for me there, n You will bring it to pass, regardless of the circumstances.

I'm going to pray n seek You for inspiration for tml's sermon, so give me the Word to share with the rest of the cell group.

Thank you Jesus!

Amen

4th day in army n 2 MCs already! hahaha..

dear Lord

so many things have happened in the past few days i hardly had time to pray or even update You on whats happening in my life right now but then again, i suppose You know everything already right? haha.. its great knowing that You're always with me even in bad times n good times, cos i really need Your wisdom n anionting n also Your favour to be upon me esp in the army..

First of all, i thank You for the many good friends tat i've made so far. pple like justin, kangzhong, yan yang and even akira, they're all really nice pple to talk to. just tat i feel so useless down there not being about to help out with anything, no motivation to go to camp at all. its not that i purposely want to chao keng, but really waking up at 6 am is a super hard task for me! so i end up taking MC cos i have no choice.. haiz.. God pls let me wake up in time for the coming new week! think i must be wise n sleep by 12 midnight everyday as well n stop talking to Joan so much on the phone! haha.. but then she was really really sick this week n i felt i had to be there for her, even if just on the phone..

Haha still remember joking with her tat Joan was SAD (Sick-a-day) on wed! haha..

and i'm also thankful for certain things.. that the stalker has finally gotten the idea n stop annoying both of us, thank God for that! on the other hand, it showed me tat i'm not really that forgiving at all, i tend to want to seek vengence n get back at others who have crossed my path, to prove a point that hey, don't mess with me or you'll regret it.

help me to forgive n forget..

but anyway yeah, Joan n i made a decision, no more

*stomach ache*

Holy Spirit moves in N280!

dear Lord,

thank You for a great cell group! though the guitar string snapped n my fingers started to ache n felt really painful, i really did try my best to play n serve You n usher in the presence of God.. yeah but i felt cell group was really good, cos i really felt the presence of God, n the word which You gave kevin was really so true.. thank You for giving me the encouragement that i need! yeah.

regarding that girl, i really think that this is the right one for me but only at the wrong time. so i will only be with her 2 years later, haha.. its ok, i don't mind concentrating on You for now while i'm still young n able to serve You! amen!

yeah.. really gotta learn to put You first in my life once again! haiz, i guess its a learning process everyone has to go thru, putting You first, n our selfish desires last! God i really wanna make You the king of my life, the ruler of my ways, the Lord of all in my body, to depend on You fully for the very breadth i take..

for the whole kiat business, i really acted quite rashly, cos i really wanted to protect joan from any possible physical harm from anyone, but on the other hand i guess i dealt too harshly with him.. i pray that he doesn't hate me or anything, cos i genuinely wanted to reach out to him, n hope he found a suitable cg to be in chinese church or something, but it seems that all my efforts were wasted.. haiz. but nevermind, i learn from my mistakes. i dun wanna be a fool who repeats the same error again n again.. i only want to be a fool for Christ!

so i leave my life in Your hands, esp since i'm going to camp so soon! God i'm so annoyed n feel so depressed n a bit scared of going back.. to a place where i felt i was living in a nitemare.. of overnight duties, scoldings by superiors, where reason n civil behaviour somehow flies out the window n everyone behaves in such a hostile way. i really want to go back n give my best to whatever i do, so i pray that You help me in this big area of my life in the very near future!

God, tml is mikki's birthday! really thank You for bringing such a sweet, on fire girl into the cell group! i see she has so much potential, she has a lot of my personality in her too! haha.. pray that she will realise her destiny in You!

Lord, kenneth didn't come for cell group again! i really pray that You move in His life n take away any distractions n stumbling blocks in his life! help me discern what's wrong in his life, use me to impact him if You want me to! i don't wish to see him fall away so easily..

i'm also going to go thru the Bible study lesson tml morning, so help me preach n teach a good lesson to pak n small kenneth.

really relieved that my exams r over, but help me to plan out my holiday, give me directions on what i can use my time in camp to accomplish, who i can impact n reach out to in camp, time to exercise n build up my physical body so i can be a better protector of others! if i can't even protect myself, i can't ever hope to protect other pple! yeah..

i don't wish to address irrelevant issues that divert my attention from You anymore. i will only be bothered if i know its in Your will! all those wrong entrees when i make when i'm emotional, goes to show that i'm still not ready to take a group of young pple so on fire for You yet. but i believe that the time is coming, n very soon i will be a man of God, willing n able to lead Your pple fearlessly into battle!

God i really pray that You send us out to the harvest fields! thank God for all the new friends coming this week n next, for the pple who will be integrated really well into the cell group, for those who r receiving n giving Bible studies, for the backsliders who r sliding their way back into God's will, n even for Yujie, my beloved cell group leader! Father You bless him so mightily in everything taht he does, everything that his 2 hands touch will be powerfully blessed n multiplied in Your hands! I pray that You strengthen him n continue to bless his exams, bless him with financial sources, with good working partners n clients, n a brilliant mind in order to priorotise these things.. n even for myself, Lord i know i'm an easily distracted n unfocused person, like a sailboat in the wind without a proper rudder.. Lord let me be stablised in Your Word n Your Holy Spirit!

so in conclusion i pray that You touch me in a special way once again as i seek after You so longingly.. in Jesus name i pray,
Amen!

There is a longing only You can feel

A raging tempest only You can still

My soul is thirsty Lord

To know You as I've known

Drink from the river

That flows before Your throne...

Take me deeper

Deeper in love with You

Jesus hold me close in Your embrace

Take me deeper

Deeper than I've ever been before

I just want to love You more and more

How I long to be deeper in love..