Merry Christmas!

Dear Lord

its been another whole 3 weeks since i last wrote You a letter on blogspot! just want to write a thank You letter for a wonderful christmas and a great weekend!

firstly, thank You for a wonderful christmas party at millie's house! it was pretty fun till about 1030 pm then we got a bit bored playing sparklers n stuff, n cos some pple had went off n new friends appeared who didn't know everyone else.. i guess that when u plan a party, u need a fixed guest list, n let everyone know each other. if not they'll feel awkward being in a party with strangers! hahaha.. but anyway hope that even the new friends enjoyed themselves lah. what's most important is that while we have fun, we're able to integrate new friends as well. really happy to have met pple like melissa, ryan, jeremy, lex, etc.. millie's cell group is really so fun and ONZ kind of pple! hahaha.. wish my cell group had more pple like her.

next on the list, thank You for bringing my parents for the christmas service. i don't really have much friends that i can bring for service cos most of my friends are already in church! or rather, i don't really like to talk to my law sch friends, n my schedule keeps me busy with work n church activities, as well as of cos joan. which brings me to number 3.

thank You for joan. i know its not the right time for us to be together.. but still, i thank You for bringing her into my life. i wrote her a very long letter.. i hope she's ok after reading it.. more importantly i pray that You help me fulfil my vow n whatever i wrote in the letter. its just another 5 more months or so. its a very short time! but of cos nobody knows what the future holds, but i can trust You for the present n future. she's really so loving n i love her so much. i pray that we'll be together after my studies n we'll be able to have a God-centered relationship n help each other walk closer to You.

i guess thats all i got to say. Happy Birthday Jesus!

its been quite a bad year for me honestly. i am too afraid to check my results n i really don't wish to fail anything again, but i think i might.. God i've been such a jerk this year, disobeying You n Your leaders.. i've been rebellious n fearful n lazy n feel so condemned sometimes..

but nevermind. i wanna leave 2006 behind n start afresh with 2007! its time to get back on my feet with You n stop whining n being childish anymore. i can't keep thinking about my own life, help me see beyond what my senses perceive. give me vision, not sight. give me a mission for my life!

in Jesus name,
Amen

God, i'm really tired of all the nonsense

dear God

while most of the church is having a prayer meeting at jurgon west now, here i am. at home, with a headache, here to whine n complain about how life sucks.

i really dunno what is wrog with joan, why is she being so over reactive, over small things, n insist on her way all the time. i'm getting sick of her antics. honestly i can't take aymore of this nonsense. if she doesn't change then we're not meant to be. this is like the umpteenth time that we had a major arguement in a month! it seems that every other week we'd be in a super huge arguement, either over the phone or in person.

and it doesn't help that guys are always liking her at her work place. maybe i really fell in love with the wrong type of girl.

honestly i want a girlfriend something like lena, or christine. who has decent manners, knows how to behave maturely, who is able to gain the respect n approval of my family n friends. yeah i admit they have their own problems n flaws as well, but at least they kow how to talk to me in a level where i feel i am understood. when i talk to joan sometimes, i feel that she's only listening but not understanding everything. which is really frustrating.

God i'm sorry my life turned out to be so crappy this year. my cell group sucks. my studies suck. my relationships suck. my whole life seems to be going down the drain this year. i have bad habits which are getting worse. i have less true friends than before. my good friends have gone overseas or gotten attached. i have to take care of the little ones in the cell group who're behaving like spoilt brats. i really have no direction n no hope anymore.

besides the fact that i know i need to get a good degree to get a good job to have a good life, i have no more motivation. i'm sick of being disppointed all the time. disappointed by pple, esp those close to me. honestly all this talk of reaching out? shouldn't it start from within the cell group first of all? i don't think anyone's reaching out to me. not that i need their sympathy or anything, i just wish there was someone else i could talk to besides joan. she doesn't understand shit of what i say sometimes.

i've already given up hanging out with my girl pals frequently. i've cut off contact with a lot of my friends, what more does she want? i'm really not a hermit who likes to be friendless. anyway i don'lt know why i'm telling You all this. mostly its my own problems right?

God i really don't know what to do anymore. i wish i can run away from everything, but there's no runing away from You.

i suppose i should be thankful for the blessing in my life which You have indeed blessed me with,. but i'm still fed up with the stupid choices i made this year. this has been the worst year for me yet....

help me make 2007 a better year. help me be who You want me to be. give me a new vision, a new dream, a new mind renewed in Christ. give me a new cell group, a new group of friends who can help me spiritually n emotionally. i don't want to depend on joan all the time. in fact, i don't want to lead her on anymore. it stops here n now. i need to learn to put You first so tat my life gets settled down before i even think about entering a relationship.

Help me God, give me strength cos i am really so weak right now, i feel so helpless about my life...

In Jesus name, I pray
Amen.