at the crossroads....

today's worship song was really great... Refuge, is the title, but i think it should be named Everyday, cos thats how the chorus goes.. but anyway..

ever since going for svc wif jessie last fri, i have been so upset wif her. esp her behaviour in svc. keep smsing whe pst was preaching...

i dunno, i feel thats absolutely disrespectful to pastor n also to God! if she's not interested at all, then i'm gonna forget about asking her for svc n cell group liao.. i must really drill it into my head, that she's really just a waste of my time, time which i should spend serving God n reaching out to other pple, or studying, or givig more tuition so i can give more finances to God, etc...

right now, i'm really quite confused.. i dunno where i should go. God is really seeing if i can listen to Him! i dunno which ministry i should concentrate on n focus... i had a very strong desire to rise up as a CGL last year.. but this year, the desire n passion seems to have faded very much... n the doubts n fears of failure have only grown stronger. after seeing so many members backslide, even jessie, whom i have spent so much time on, hoping that she will change for the better..

i know God isn't giving me all this confusion n temptations to give up, cos why keep trying when things only get more n more complicated? i got so many things happening now, yet i feel so unfulfilled.. i don't think i can lead a cell group, i don't think i can play keyboard that well for musician, n i can't sing well enough to become a BV, n i don't really have the passion to play drums... so what can i do? what can i do for God that will really be meaningful to me, as well as impact the most number of pple, to help them n encourage them in their walk wif God?

i'm so confused.. the desires of my heart is really jus to serve God to the best of my abilities, no matter what He asks me to do. cos He won't ask too much of me, He won't give me a challenge i can't handle. yet sometimes, i feel a little lost, like i'm moving forward in Christ, yet, i dun really have any specific direction... i'm going round in circles n the circles jus get wider n wider...

plus, exams are coming!! argh! need to study really hard man.. haiz... gonna sleep liao, zzz

Praying for China! the revival is coming!

Dear God,

wow what a great meeting! pastor dennis is really a very humble man who is not afraid to tell the truth!

1st of all wanna confess the sins that i did last night.. totally hated making the same mistakes again n again, i pray that that was the last time i ever do such things again.. i know everytime i do it You get very angry with me cos its a terrible sin... nonetheless i shall change for the better with your help God.

i pray that whatever pastor dennis has taught me today will stay in my mind constantly, as well as in my heart, cos i think the last great wave of revival will really happen in china!

at the same time, really felt the need to pray for the Holy Spirit to really guide the church leaders in CHC, as well as the leadership in singapore, to have God's wisdom guide them in all things n decisions, that the Holy Spirit the helper will really help them make the right decisions... considering the dilema n problems that pst kong is facing, he really needs all of our prayers, so God, i pray for my seior pastor right now, give him the wisdom n favour that he needs, give him the right words to say, words that will glorify You, n edify the church, n yet be 100% true n full of courage, not being afraid of how pple will react, but rather knowing that You are in full control of every situation.

God i really pray that You teach me to lean more on You n less on myself. cos i knnow that physically, i have to many limits, n so many faults, but i know if i really on God to help me, You have unlimited strength n resources... so Lord i pray u help me multiply my efforts, like what we learnt in service.. help me multiply my time studying n teaching my students, as well as in reaching out to new friens, and also in my ministries Lord... i know that i can do nothing without You.

evreything is given to me by You, so You can take everything away from me as well. i won't love u any less. in fact, i will love u more becos You will become more precious to me!

my exams are coming n i still haven't attended a single lecture on company n property. Lord i'm so scared that i will flunk my exams, or just pass with average scores. cos i realy don't think i can do well at all this semester, given the miserable amt of time i spent doing my work, cos i spend most of my time serving You n also on jessie.

i don't regret the time i spent in church n working for You, but i really regret wasting so much time on Jessie. after all that i've done, and all that You've done for her, she still choose to backslide. i guess she is really not the one for me, n neither am i the one for her.

God, i wanna honour my vow to You no matter what it takes. as for my studies, i lift it up into Your hands, but i'm also going to take action cos faith without works is dead. i'm going to sch tml morning, no matter how tired or lazy i am!! no more excuses, its time to lean on God n take Him seriously, no more playing around with God n my life!

Lord, i really wanna be serious with You, i really want to love You and commit my whole life to You, every single second of it. i want to live a Holy Spirit filled life which is full of excitement n great things to do for God! i pray u give me clear dreams n visions of where i am going, cos i'm lost without a vision from heaven.

n above all Lord, i pray for the china people, for salvation to come upon millions of them, for new leaders to be raised up, for the govt to open up n stop persecuting the Christians there. You said You are not willing that anyone should perish, but that all might come to know You. so help us fulfill that verse, help the members of CHC be totally committed to doing Your will!

thank You for such a great time with You. i shall write my prayers to You as often as I can, to record everything down, as people waste their time recording useless things on the internet, i pray that this online journal will one day be a testimony, perhaps even to myself, of the fervent love that i have for You n your people.

Lord, i pray for a good night's rest, so i can wake up fresh n unafraid to go to sch n shine for You in whatever way You lead me! thats really walking with Jesus!

in Jesus name i pray,
Amen

i dun know whats going on...

Dear God,

i really don'lt understand why i can treat her so badly...

i should be super happy n working hard for my exams now. i just got promoted MM yesterday afternoon, also got promoted to contact head for the Strikeforce. i got many pple to sign up for ministry, so many things r going well for me... on the surface.

but i really dunno why i can't let go of jessie. i don't want her to backslide cos of me, i'll feel guilty for a long long long time...

i'm really sorry i shouted vulgarities at her last week. i just couldn't help it... it was like i was possessed n became someone else! i couldn't control my anger n disappointed, n wanted to her to taste my hurt as well...

i want to change for the better, i'm know i'm not perfect.

but really, if jessie backslides becos of me, i won't have the courage to face You anymore. instead of helping her, i made matters worse. how can u forgive someone who causes your sheep to stumble? You said in Your Word that woe to him who causes the little ones to stumble!

how can i face You knowing what i did to jessie?

God pls don't let her backslide...

i don't want her to fall away cos of some foolish things i said... n i don't want to backslide cos of my own silly sins also... i wish i can just change the past but i can't! i can only try to move on.

Jesus i really pray that you'll forgive me, n look after jessie.. i know she's not the one for me, now that she isn't even coming to church anymore, how can we be equal yoke.. but i do hope that she comes back after her exams, when she's feeling better...

n also God, if it is possible, let this cup be taken from me... yet nonetheless, not my will but Yours be done.. if i have to give her up n move on, i will.

thank you Lord for everything you've given to me. help me be a good n faithful steward to your sheep.

in Jesus name,
Amen

moving on...

yupz, as the heading says...

time to move on.

maybe jessie didn't believe it, but last sat when i said thats the last time i'm going out with her, i meant it.

time to concentrate on what God really wants me to do.

i really can't like her anymore.. so unequally yoked.. have to let go and let God.

exams are coming! time to really study hard.. no more playing around... haiz...