Things to do for this week

1. get new tooth paste
2. fix button onto jeans
3. buy black shoes
4. meet up law friends for lunch
5. meet up eunice ding for lunch
6. cut hair
7. watch movie on friday night with joan
8. bring cushion to office
9. search for old NDP costume (for gig)
10. buy snacks to bring to office
11. borrow some comics n books from library
12. check out overseas trips n prices ranging from $800-1000
13. clean up room
14. go jogging at least 2 times this week
15. get more sleep
16. put new songs into phone
17. check with daryl to upgrade RAM of PC

Live for nothing, die for something.

In case you didn't know, the quote came from Rambo 4.

"What good can come out of a violent bloody gory brainless movie like Rambo??"

Well honestly, plotwise, the movie was for a 3 year old.

Big strong man with big gun rescues weak stupid White girl from evil bad guys by killing all of them.

And yet, amazingly, one line in the movie sort of stuck in my head. Actually two lines.

The first line was from the scene when Rambo and the 4 missionaries (haha) are confronted by Burmese pirates while trying to get across a river. Those who watched the movie will remember the feeling of excitement, when Rambo sort of put up his hands and told the missionaries to bend down and keep quiet, while a gun boat with 3 or 4 pirates can up to Rambo's boat. Basically, he kills all the pirates when they wanted to grab the girl and one of the religious guys tries to tell him who is he to kill another human being and all that crap about being nice..

Dumbass missionary, "Who do you think you are to kill... ACCKK!!"

Rambo at this point grabs his throat and throws him against the side of the boat.

Rambo roars,"WHO ARE YOU?? WHO ARE ANY OF YOU???!!"

I was thinking, damn, Rambo just saved your sorry butts and you still try to preach to him? If I were Rambo I'd whack his face and given him a good kick in the balls to put him in place, but of cos Rambo suddenly becomes Mr Nice Guy when the girl pleads with him.

But he made his point. Who are we to judge another person's actions? For those who stand on a high platform and talk about stupid things like pulling troops out of Iraq, or talking about peace in the Middle East or in Burma, when hundreds of people are being killed DAILY for NO reason at all?

Honestly I think everyone should go and watch Rambo. Not for the ridiculous hero-killing-everyone parts of course, but for the parts when they show the dictator army ruthlessly murdering and killing the villagers with glee.

Honestly, this happens in some parts of the world all the time.

While we sit in our offices and schools complaining about teachers and bosses and work, there are people sitting in their homes wondering when the next bullet is going to pierce their body, or worse, when their loved ones are going to die.

Ok, the second line from the movie which was really cool was when Rambo was "convincing" the mercenaries to continue on their rescue mission when they were about to chicken out.

"Live for nothing. Die for something." He mumbles.

Live for nothing. That doesn't mean life is worthless, or that a person's life is meant to be wasted. Rather it means that we're not afraid to lose anything, because we don't have anything.

Why don't we have anything? Because everything of me, I've placed at Your feet. I no longer live for materialistic things, or for self-gratification, or for selfish ambitions, or to make myself "feel good" and enjoy the carnal things of the world. Live for nothing means to live without fear, trusting in Him to pave the way for you.

Die for something. This brings to mind a P Diddy rap song I heard a few years ago, though I doubt many pple in Singapore actually know the rapper, let alone the song.

How many niggers gonna die for you?
How many take the keys split the pie with you?
I ain't talking bout those that get high with you
Niggers know infra red on their heads and they'd ride with you

Think it was from a gangster movie or something, but not only was the song awesome, the lyrics actually had some meaning in them, compared to many rap or R&B songs nowadays. Let me translate that rap chorus into something easier to understand.

How many pple consider something or someone worth dying for?
How many are willing to share their success and fruits of their labour?
There're many hi-and-buy friends who're only around when you're having fun or going thru good times
But we know that if you force someone to do something, they'd do it not for you but to stay out of trouble and avoid the threat.

Have you found something you would die for? If you can answer that question, then good, you've found some meaning in life. Then the next question: have you found someone you can live for?

Think about it. Pulling the trigger or slashing wrists is a quick and thoughtless process.

Yet if you have to struggle to live on, to take care of the people you love, to protect them and to provide for them, to endure constant mockery, pain, humiliation, mental, physical and spiritual attacks..

Living for someone is much much more demanding and difficult. But then living for Him is the choice we've to make, knowing He will deliver us in times of trouble.

Live for nothing but live for someone. Live for Jesus.

I hope N280 sees this!

Hi helpers,

Weiwen here, can you do me a favour and help me forward this email to all N280 members? Of cos only members, not new friends. Cos I'm going to really voice my thoughts to the cell group. Thanks.. Of cos you can choose not to, I never asked Val for permission, but I'm doing this as a friend n hopefully some pple get the msg.

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Dear N280,

Last weekend I went over to Michelle's birthday chalet on Saturday night, and attended Sunday morning service at Expo with N280 cos I thought of paying you guys a visit and maybe having lunch and some time of fellowship, but apparently everyone was rushing off for Bible study and their own appointments, so nevermind, I guess you guys fellowshipped enough at the chalet right?

How many of you stayed over at least one night at the chalet? Or bothered to come back on Saturday afternoon or Sunday after service, knowing that Michelle booked the chalet for 4 days, Fri all the way to Monday morning?

Do you know who stayed over on friday night? 4 guys and 2 girls. And how many of them are our CG members? BK, frankie and michelle. And frankie is not even a close friend of Michelle.

I think its time to ask yourselves this question: where do your friends stand in your life?

I'm sure everyone has reasons. Exams coming, parental objection, work on saturday morning, prior appointments with friends, ministry, Bible study, and various other reasons. Yes they may be valid reasons, ministry is important, serving God of cos is important.

But since when has it become okay to treat a cell group member's birthday like that?

Do any of you treat your close friends like that? Not attending his/her birthday chalet?

Jesus said, there is no greater love than to die for a friend. We are to love God whole-heartedly and love people fervently, correct?

This is Michelle's 18th birthday and out of all her friends in church, choir, sec sch, etc, she chose to have a chalet specially for N280, her cell group. And did anyone make an effort to appreciate her for it? Or at the very least accompany her for a few hours during the weekend?

"Yeah we all came for cell group mah." Does that sound very convincing to a cell member who has forked out time and money and who simply wishes to spend time with the people whom she calls her friends?

If you wanna talk about work BK had work on Saturday morning and Sunday morning before service and he still came for the chalet. Weiquan, Daryl, all had work. Momo and Jaric had exam papers on Monday. Joan, Bowen and myself rushed down after chingay performance at 12.30 am to attend the chalet on sat night, and on sun after svc accompanied her to Escape theme park. We all did not sleep for more than 4 hours from fri to sun cos we had chingay preview and practices.

I must say I am very disappointed about what happened at the chalet. I thank God that BK and a few people decided to stay for the chalet with Michelle. But before new friends will stay in the CG, you all got to first learn to love and treasure each other, the way Jesus loved and treasured his disciples. If not, like what Paul says, without love, you are all just clanging brass cymbals, preaching the gospel without living it out.

That said, I'm not trying to condemn you guys, but rather wish to point out the importance of loving each other, loving your cell group, and shining for Christ in such ways. Remember the words of Jesus, "By this shall all men know that you are My disciples, if you have love one for another."

Regards,
Weiwen
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To be brutally honest, I'm not only disappointed, I'm also very sad and angry that something like this can happen.

What has become of N280? The cell group I've worked so hard in and achieved results in the past few years? I mean, of cos its still growing n there are good people there n new friends still come.. but yet why do such things still happen?

God, please give Val strength and revelations to better manage the cell group, n please continue to guide and mould the lives of the members in N280, and let them know wherever I may be I will still be a part of them, and my heart cries out for the state of the cell group now, and somehow I feel its like.. its my fault. my fault for leaving, my fault for not training up better helpers and disciples, my fault for not teaching the guys in the cg how to lead..

I'm sorry Lord, i've not done enough.

Keeping in touch with friends is not easy when u're working..

Just got an sms from eunice ding earlier this week asking me out for lunch.

Suddenly I remembered I was supposed to arrange for lunch with Kelvin Ang, and also with Lihong n a few other law friends.

Then I remembered Yishan n her friends waiting for me to organise KTV outing.

Then when it comes to KTV, I also need to arrange for outing for Millie n her friends, then also for my cell group, although honestly I don't think they're keen to go out with the cell group, since they only have like 1 clique of them there who pretty much stick to themselves.

Of cos, there's my JC friends,the regular CS players.

How am I going to continue developing friendships when out of the 16 hours a day which I'm awake (minus 8 for sleeping), 2 hours is spent on transportation, 10 hours is spent at work in office (usually 9 am to 7 pm), 1-2 hours for eating n bathing, and I'm left with how much leisure time a day? 2 hours only, perhaps more, at the sacrifice of sleep or work.

I guess I got to start planning what I am going to do with my 2-3 hours of free time each day, or else I'll just be living for the sake of work, n that's quite sad isn't it? Being a slave to work.

Of cos, minus friday night cell group, I have 4 weekday nights which I'm free. Sunday is usually reserved for church n ministry n family dinner. Saturday is reserved for Joan.

Wow, I'm really living in a very scheduled and packed life. Damn..

Post V-day and post chingay blues, hangover, etc!

Dear God,

Its been one heck of a hectic week last week! What, with chingay practices everyday, preparation for Valentine's Day, michelle chalet, my cg having some appreciation gif for James Tan cos He'ss flying overseas at the end of the week, for almost 2 years! Oh well, i'm not that close friend with james anyway, so honestly i don't really bother. Why bother about some pple whom you do not reallyknow well, the hi-n -bye kind of friends or relatives which you meet like once a year during CNY!

Last night i slept at 9.30 pm cos i was so freaking tired! I think I'll used my office lunch hour to take a nap cos i'm really sooo sleepy and tired, if I don't blog, I will really fall asleep, in front of the com. n that's gonna look really bad! sian, i got sooo much to blog about, the comical situation of double bears n chocolate for Joan, the very nice n normal typical date we had on V-day which didn't end up in some cinema or anything, but a good clean date which saw me sending her home at around 10 pm! i think that's one of the earliest i've ever sent Joan home, cos i was pretty tired from preparing the present n making sure everything goes well that by the time the actual V day came aounrd, i was pretty exhausted!

not to mention the numerous chingay practices, which i feel aren't properly confucted n some of the participants are also really slack n weird n uncommited. basically i felt i was dragging my feet throughout the whole thing, except for the actual performances of cos. the only reason why i joined is cos i don't want the church item to look bad at the chingay parade since this is the first time CHC is asked to participate in chingay, n furthermore it is organised by Strikeforce. but of cos I had lots of fun performing, despite the aches and pains n muscle soreness in my legs n back n arms nearly everywhere on my body (probably due to lack of exercise for so long!) i think the fun part was making new friends like georgina, maxim, adrian, the tall girl whom joan thinks is named shanshan, etc, and also hanging out n fooling around with Strikeforce friends! hahaha.. i guess Joan will always remember the day when Ian wanted to annoy her n make her jealous by holding my hand n walking away, n i was too shocked n surprised to react at all! hahaha..

but of cos we all had our laughs at Ian, during the phototaking, by sabo-ing him in a picture! he was so shocked the look on his face was priceless man! hahaha!!

the supper at the hong kong cafe was also very fun n noisy n though joan n i were like super dead tired, we were still very amused by all the nonsense n noise coming from the chingay pple. so different from the previous day when there were only 2 of us having a quick supper before heading home to sleep!

oh n by the way, we didn't even sleep after the chingay performance n hk cafe supper! we went to michelle lim's birhday chalet at pasir ris downtown east! this is like, the most hectic weekend ever, so many things to do, so little sleep, n so much fun! hahaha.. i think i didn't sleep at all on sat night, but ok lah at sunday service wasn't too lethargic, but i was talking nonsense n drawing rubbish on my sermon notes to try to stay awake! hahaha.. oh yeah, n caught up on all the latest gossip n happenings in the cell group as well, n as expected things have rathered worsensed in my abscence. not to say that my leaving is the cause of it, but i believed that they are just too wrapped up in their own lives to bother too much about God's will for them in their lives. i really hope some of the kids will grow up n stop treating love relationships like some game,cos if they wanna play around, nobody is going to win n all of them are gonna end up hurt. but then again, i don't really care cos its not my problem anymore. haha!

oh who am i kidding. sighz.. i still love them n want them to change for the better..

(long break for lunch)

right, where was I? i guess i was lamenting on the state of affairs in my ex-cg, but then again, what can i do? i'm not in the cg any longer, its the helpers n CGL's duty to solve their members problems, not mine. n i'm too busy for things like that anymore when my bosses are throwing work at me n i'm too sleepy to even keep my eyes open for 15 min consecutively..

Another day closer to V-Day!

argh, haven't had time to do the card which I originally wanted to do! no time to go to the printing shop to do up the pics either. almost forgot to collect the present from my friend on Wed to pass to Joan. so many things to do for V-Day! hahaha.. amanda said, V-day shouldn't be a day of stress but a day for romantic enjoyment for the pple in love, but yeah, she's a girl, obviously she doesn't need to think much cos her bf is probably doing all the planning!

what makes it worse is that my rash is back n i had to visit the doctor last night. after waiting more then ONE HOUR to see the doctor, he charged me $100 for the medicine n consultation, i'm like, wth, that's 1/3 of my ang bao money gone to paying of medical bills!! sucks man. i think they probably rounded the price up. where got so zhun, exactly $100?? a bit fishy if u ask me, but nevermind lor, i got money to spare.

work has been picking up today, cos my bosses are back from their CNY holidays, n one of my colleagues is flying overseas toIndia for holiday this friday n only be back on the 21 Feb if i'm not mistaken. that is one long trip to India! and of all places, India?? oh well, definitely not the place for a vacation for me.

really a bit sian that i can't celebrate V-day properly this year cos i can't take leave or off from work. i mean, previous V-days i would take afternoon off from sch to prepare presents n book dinner n ensure everything would go smoothly, but this year, inspite of the fact that this is my FIRST V-day with Joan, i can't really take time off to make it extra special for her.. like i'm short-changing her cos i'm busy with work. haiz.. i'm sorry Joan, i promise next year V-day will definitely be better planned with better presents (not to mention the building fund squeeze this year, that is so OMG irritating, and also tired with chingay prac n stuff!)

Valerie called me the other day to compliment me on what i'm doing in my new cg, n honestly i was very surprised n touched. i thought she was like, oh good riddance! it was nice to know you, now piss off! but apparently i was wrong. haha! perhaps my valephobia will fade with time, but i still jumped when i saw her number on my hp! haha.. i'm giving my cg members a chance, i did go over for their steam boat at charis' house, but the atmosphere in the house was quite bad! almost like a sense of depression, or despair, or of dread in the house! the moment we walked in, i could feel it. n i think the others did too, cos we were all talking really quietly, like in a library or something, n it was freaking weird in the beginning! i was like, God what am i doing here. then it became better when the parents left the table, n we were finishing up the food really quick cos we were all super hungry lah!

apparently i have the same music taste as sansan n ivan, which is the OPPOSITE of chenguo n company, the cliqueish NTU pple, n the bimbo NUS pple. i can't stand chinese pop man! but anyway it was good to talk to them, though i haven't gotten the pics we took at the house yet..

time to go for lunch soon, i should be working, but i almost fell asleep cos i'm so tired (watched silver surfer movie last night or at least the 2nd half which i missed previously) n the work is a bit boring.. but well, can't complain.

Great BF2 game last night!

Just waiting for time to fly by till 7 pm and when I see my dear Joan tonight.

Anyway like I said, I'm going to account for last night's last min LAN gaming session! It was really quite fun, working as a team with Jaric Daryl n BK! well maybe not so much BK cos he's always doing stupid things like running in front of a tank, or crashing a jeep into the wall, hahaha! but when jaric daryl n i played the first few maps, we defended really well, with enemies coming from all directions! we held them off for like 10 minutes at least, in a tank, APC and helicopter. the bots didn't have much chance once we got our act together! however, in open maps like dalian plant n the other one i can't remember the name, we got our @sses kicked man! the soldiers were like swarming all over us, we survived like for only 5 mins before we were all killed! hahaha..

but it was fun playing LAN n hanging out with the guys. i realise i don't have many friends my age, or rather i find pple my age very BORING! for e.g., my cg members fav past time is what? studying!!! OMG.. wat a bunch of boring pple. then when aiming ask them out on sunday after service, almost nobody is free to go out, i'm like, WTH man, you all just don't want to go out right? all of you have your own little lives n too busy to care about other cell group members, everyone has projects n work n stuff. yeah well, doesn't matter to me, i can always meet up with other friends. strikeforce pple, my old cell group pple, even my super old cg pple are more enthu about meeting up than them lor. talk about reaching out together.

i seriously wonder if they all heard the adult cg share on the caring system. HEART. Having Everyone All Reaching out Together. I like that phrase. but it doesn't seem to apply to our cg pple. WTH man, you want to go SOT next year for what? no point being a freaking holy joe when u can't even reach out to your own friends lor.

huihua came in this morning to office n when i said hi, she like totally ignored me! WTF man. she's really being a bitch leh, i don't think i did something so bad to her that warrants her treating me this way lor. but if she wants to ignore me n continue being a bitch, then let her be lor. i can't be bothered about such stupid things.

seriously, the only fun time i have is with the guys from JC or the guys from N280. watching movies, playing games, going for supper, cycling, whatever other activity they have going on, at least they're doing something! the rest of my cg is like, what the fuck do they care?

Thoughts running through my head..

Dear Lord,

Its been once again a pretty long time since I last prayed. I mean, I pray when I'm with Christians or when I'm in church or cell group or when it seems like its the nice thing to do in front of others.

Like the pharisees. I'm not much better off.

Having the Holy Spirit but not speaking to Him. Having the form but not the power. Going thru the actions without really having the heart to do them.

Is that what I've become? Has working life and materialistic gain made me treaure the world more than His Word?

I still remember when I got saved, or when I came back to church after I backslided for about half a year. I think it was around my army days, about maybe 5 or or 6 years ago? I can't believe I've come so far with God. I remember playing for church zone meetings, helping out willingly at cell group, giving Bible studies, preaching sermons to the trees near my house in preparation for mission trips which I've yet to go on, worshipping God in my room till the wee hours of the night, falling under the power of God while i was ALONE in my computer room and the presence of God was so heavy and tanigble I couldn't even kneel, I had to bow my whole body in submission to the Holy Spirit? Did all these things really happen?

In 2000, Pastor Kong laid hands on me and prophesied I would be a lawyer, who would be earning at least $10K a month. And it is happening like according to what he has said. Will I be the one who will shake the foundations of society, bringing it back to principles of the Bible? It seems like a farfetched dream, wishful thinking.

What happened God? What happened to me? Where are the seeds of greatness, previously planted within my heart by You, where are the songs of joy I loved to sing to you?

Where is my salvation?

I shall not give up, like what Pst Tan preached yesterday. I will never give up searching for You, believing in You, and most of all, loving You.

Yesterday I actually had a vision. The backdoor of my life was in sight once again. You know about it, the backdoor "out" of the Christian life. Every believer has to come to a place of decision whether or not to close the backdoor. Many years ago, I decided before God, to close the backdoor. My life was to be for Christ, as much my fles yearned to fulfil its own desires, my spirit man was strong that time.

And last thurs, I began to look back towards the backdoor. Yes I had closed it but I still had access to it. I could open it up if I wanted to. Not to backslide, just to peek through it and see what my life could've been like without God. Do I really want to do that? To go back to my own selfish lifestyle, materialistic, saddistic, sarcastic, violent and all that?

Stress at work, stress from Joan, stress from my cell group, stress from so many things..

But I mentally shouted to God to barricade the door. Not just shut it, but lock it and throw away the key. Barricade it, put fences, concerete walls, solid steel bars, and all sort of things to block it out of my sight. Because I want to focus on God this year.

2008, let it be the year I start to focus on God totally once again.

In Jesus name,
Amen!