What is happening Lord?

Dear Lord God,

I know You're in control, I know You're right here, with me right now, seeing what I'm going through, seeing what we are going through.. You know my thoughts, You know my actions, good and bad, sins and everything.

What is happening to my cell group? Father I pray that you protect Kewei's dad, protect him from evil, heal him in Jesus name, let him receive salvation before he goes.. I pray that you encourage Kewei and her family, that in Your name, when one is saved, the entire family WILL be saved! I pray that You come through for Kewei and her family right now, in this time of need, You will show Yourself strong, as the cell group prays and fasts for Kewei and her dad and their family, Jesus I pray, that by Your strips he is healed, as it is written in Your Word, so shall it be done today in Kewei's family! Send them the miracle of healing from nose cancer, take away all the cancerous cells in Kewei's father's body right now, let Your healing power take over, let him receive Christ, know that You are the sovereign Lord, and that all things work for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to Your purpose!

Father I lift up Sansan, Hanning, Joalin, and every other single cell group member into Your loving hands. You know that many of them are going through trials, whether in their personal life, their walk with You, their family life, their career or ministry. Father, I pray that You strengthen each and every one of them, as the whole cell group prays together, plays together, bonds closer to each other, and closer to You every single day, You will send Your blessing and protection over us.

Father Lord I lift up Joan into Your loving hands. I know there's some problem with me, that prevents me from consumating our marriage. I know exactly what is my problem, and I lift it into Your hands, but as for Joan, I pray you continue to sustain her, to guide her, to love her and help her to help me and support me to get through this season.. Father I love her so much, I really do, please intercede for our marriage on my behalf, on her behalf, save our marriage Lord! I cannot believe I am so weak in the flesh, so weak in the spirit, I really need to rely on You God, help me God! You are my GOD! YOU WILL NOT FORSAKE ME IN MY TIME OF NEED!! YOU WILL STRENGTHEN ME, GIVE ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO BREAK FREE OF THE BONDAGES!

My past is swept away by the sacrifice You've made... let this not just be head knowledge, but let my heart feel this, feel You, Holy Spirit, come into my life once again.. I surrender my life to You, I renounce the devil, I confess all my sins, of pornography, of the lust of the flesh, of falling to temptation. I know my flesh is weak, my spirit is weak as well, so I need to rely on You, on the power of the Holy Spirit, to lift me up once again. Take me oh Lord, when I pray, take my life, take it all, I really want to mean it, to give everything to You, to really live for You, not for selfish ambition or personal glory, but to really dedicate every act, every word, every thought, every dream to You, to be captive to the wisdom of God.

Lord, I pray that You help me in this, to take every thought of mine, to make it obedient to Jesus Christ. Let me not live my life as I want it to be, but to once again learn to live by Your Word, to live by the leading of the Holy Spirit, to worship You in spirit and in truth every single day and night.

Jesus, fill this place, fill my heart, come and consume my whole being right now... Its been so long since I last wept in Your presence, its been too long since I felt Your love, since I just knelt in the presence of the Holy Spirit, Father I miss you, I've been away for far too long... Jesus, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...

Let my prayer not just be empty meaningless words, but let every single word I type and pray be a sweet smelling aroma to You, let my worship rise up to You, let single praise from my lips be true from my heart, and be glorified in the earth oh Lord, be glorified in my life, through my actions, Lord, show Yourself to the world, to my world, to Joan's world, to my family and friends.

I need to grow deeper and deeper in love with You every single day, to learn to be still and just worship, to go back to the basics, loving Your Word, loving the time of worship with You, praying and meditating on the Word everyday, speaking in tongues, loving You and seeking You everyday, so You will reveal not just Yourself to me, but reveal Your plans to me, what I must do, to achieve what I need to achieve in this life time, for Your will to be done in my life!

Hallelujah!!!

Thank You Lord Jesus!!

In Jesus' name
Amen.

3rd blog entry of 2010 and its already 17 June 2010!

Half the year has gone by, and I've not blogged anything since 1 March! Guess I'm really into the facebook notes thingy, so don't really blog anymore. Anyway just a quick summary of what happened in the past few weeks..

Met Boon, Ian and Yuhong for lunch some time in May. They came down to raffles place just to have a meal with me, was pretty touched by that gesture of friendship.

Got to MAMBO quite often! i think i've gone mambo about more than 10 times already this year! getting more fun cos made more friends who like mambo, like Elaine, Yuen Yen (michelle's friend), Audrey, Rallen, etc. shall not mention the other more annoying pple though! haha..

Went to Australia for 11 days, Gold coast and Melbourne (which included mornington peninsula!), check out the note on fb for more details on it!

Alicia and Ziqian got married, Yvonne Yap and her husband (can't remember his name), Cuixia and Sujin are pregnant, Eunice and Yongji got married and moved to Abu Dabi, and so many other things.

Oh yes, more recently, Joan and her family moved to Kovan.

In a nutshell thats what happened from March till now. Got to rush to do work now.

2nd post of 2010!

Can't believe I only posted once the whole of 2010 and its already 1 March 2010 today!

I guess I don't really have much stuff to post here, now that I've got an iphone and can update everything on facebook! i haven't gotten a twitter yet cos i think its really stupid, and nobody will bother to follow me anyway cos i'm not some superstar or super important person! haha.. i don't really like to announce what i'm doing or thinking to the whole world anyway. =p

Anyway just had a nice relaxing weekend and wanna thank God for it. Though I actually missed service cos I was unable to wake up in time to go expo. =P

Had tea with Audrey and her friend Ding Li at 313, then went HMV to browse songs until Elaine, Val, Xiangling and Momo joined me for dinner at Marche at 313 at about 6.30 pm. Had a great time catching up with them all, knowing whats happening in their lives and all the ex-CL zone members! Then Val left after dinner and the 4 of us when shopping till around 10 pm, then Xiangling and Momo needed to go home, so I went to play pool and just hang out and chit chat with Elaine..

She appears to have a some bitterness towards some pple in her life.. Not a good sign, cos bitterness will always end up hurting the person in some way. I know she still believes in God, I know she believes the Word and wants to come back, but there's so many things hindering her. Perhaps thats why I have such compassion for her, cos I feel that she deserves more than this. And needless to say, she's also an October baby! 20 October is her birthday! Yishan is 13 October if i remember correctly.. I really do have good friends who are born in the same month as me! Hahaha...

And on Sunday, hung out with my primary school friends at 313 again! Hahaha.. i suppose its my fault for recommending the place to them. It was great catching up with Kelly, Lishan, Yingyan, Shujun, Jacob, etc.. but honestly i was only really interested in hanging out with Kelly and Lishan, cos I was always close to them. The rest not really, maybe except for Liangfeng cos he was my agent for awhile. Haha.. Shujun is really pretty and I wonder why is she single. Maybe cos guys generally afraid to go for career minded girls? Hahaha.. but its amazing how after so long, Kelly and I can really click, think of the same lame jokes, and we got tons of stories to exchange! Felt like old times again, minus the fact that we're now all grown up. Yvonne's getting married in May, thats the latest news..

At the end of the day, I just hung out with Joan. It seems we have some difficulty seeing eye to eye on a lot of things now that we're on the way to get married.. And i don't like this feeling. I hope, I pray that we're able to work things out, and our love for each other won't grow weary with the disagreements..

First entry of 2010!

Seems that I've not updated my blog for quite some time! Just thought of dropping a few thoughts here, and a quick prayer to begin the new year!

God I'm in such a pile of work I don't know where to start, I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm feeling sleepy as side effects from the pills! What a bad way to begin 2010.. sighz.

I didn't go service on Sunday cos I was so sleepy n tired after going cycling on sat night with Joan, then had supper at Carls junior at east coast. i don't think we got home too late, cos after supper i just sent joan home then went home to play a bit of game, but i was just pure lazy to go church on sunday. I had a headache n overslept n Joan waited 2 hours at tpy mrt station for me.. i'm so sorry i wasted her time, but i assumed that she was not going service cos she said she slept at 6 am due to vomitting or something.. i mean, i read a SMS at 6 am in the morning, half asleep n not thinking straight, what should i expect?? anyway, next time i will switch my phone to silent mode n check SMSes only in the morning after i'm totally awake!

Spent the afternoon trying to piece together a new furniture my parents bought for $500 from ikea, too 2 hours to set up the base only! totally annoying, didn't expect it would take so long just to piece together a few pieces of wood! then joan insisted i meet her and she told me she wanted to pass the ring back to me becos she wasn't ready.

Oh God, i could've just heard my heart break there n then. I don't get it. I don't know why she would feel stressed from the ring. i mean, its just a ring. we've been living as if we're engaged anyway, so what difference would it make? i couldn't understand, and i was so angry. i use anger to cover my sadness n disappointment, becos, well, i generally don't like to show that i'm vulnerable or weak. weakness is for pussies. i threatened to throw away the ring n if she returns it i will never propose again. which is of course nonsense...

i dunno but i feel the whole engagement is a BIG mistake. i did it too rashly, i didn't give her enough time to think through it, and worse, i overreacted when she told me she was having some problem accepting the engagement. i really don't know what to do, or who to confide in because i'm going to lose a lot of face if i tell the whole truth to anyone... and my ego n pride doesn't allow that. i will never cry in front of anyone except God or Joan, i told myself that long ago..

but this whole engagemenet thing has turned into a big mess.. i got sick with rashes, i couldn't go to work on monday cos i was too upset n the rash was so bad i went to see dr kwok.. i should've asked for 2 days MC, but there's so much work in office that i know i have to force myself to go back to work.. i dunno how to deal with this. i never though i'd feel so depressed after getting engaged, i only thought we would be so happy together.. i feel like i've failed Joan, i've failed God, i've made so many mistakes..

My new year resolution not to use vulgar words was broken so easily. my other resolution to control my temper was also gone while i flared up at the yishun mrt on sunday night. i've got no more motivation to make anymore resolutions, to do anything.. i wanna quit my job n just wallow in misery at home.. this sense of chaos and failure just looms over me. sigh.

I'm sorry God, i'm sorry.. i just can't live my life right, i can't do things right without You in it..

Totally annoyed, so much work to do, so little time.. and I don't even feel motivated to do anything.

Its already 5.30 pm according to the clock on my computer, I just wanted to drop a note to complain and whine about work and how much it sucks.

I don't think I can take much more of this. If this goes on, I think I will really quit my job within the next few months.

I haven't even asked for one day leave to shift house next friday, and boss is in such a foul mood, I doubt she would agree to it.. and I got so much work I haven't got the foggiest idea where to start.. or when it'll end.

Anyway back to work.. i got emails to send, documents to finalise, etc..

Sharlyn's wedding, STOMP, and various other stuff

Actually wrote an entry a few days ago, but duno why when i tried to upload it, the internet connection was down, so the whole post disappeared! yes, irritating things like that does happen to blogger once in awhile. Or maybe its just my internet connection that's cranky. but anyway..

Seems like my birthday party came n went in a flash. i took days, even weeks preparing for it, and it was all over in about 3-4 hours. i still haven't gotten the photos from thomas and ziqian lah. quite annoyed by that. even my pri sch friends already posted the pics up. whats the point of being professional but SLOW?? i honestly don't care much for the quality of pics or the lighting or whatever, as long as i can nice pics of me n my friends. i think thats the problem with all those amatuer photographers out there. you think that just by buying a SRL camera from canon or whatever branded camera, u're ready to take nice pictures n produce results. honestly, most pple don't care about all the details, as long as they have nice pics to remember the occasion, the joy, the emotion, the friends and the fun. And i really think 2 weeks is a little too slow to get my pics ready lah.

But enough about annoyances, more about the good stuff.

Sharlyn's wedding was certainly eventful! Dances, video clips, strikeforce drumming performances, etc. I had 2 costume changes, and ate only like 4 of the dishes, cos we were too busy preparing for the performances! had lots of fun w darshan, ruyuan, esther, edwin, jasmine, irenus, joan n the rest practicing for the big MJ Beat It performance! at least those pics are up on facebook! rushed home to change, then went to expo svc. after expo svc we went to airport for dinner n lo and behold, ian n millie ran into liting n her boyfriend! i didn't get a chance to see him, but it was good catching up w liting for awhile, she does look skinnier n a bit haggard though. Work n studying isn't too healthy for anyone at all. After having popeye's we went to Azzucar with David n Neo for some chilling, but it turned out to be a clubbing place with loud reggae and latin music! wasn't really in the mood to club cos we were all really tired, except for David Lee and Neo of course, those guys had so much energy to dance it was really amazing! we left at about 1.30 am, cos was really too damn tired to dance much or hang out any longer.

Sunday we woke up pretty late, n had a quick meal before rushing to esplanade to watch STOMP! dunno why i found it a bit boring at parts, but maybe cos i watched before already, so i expected what they were going to do. thanks YQ for belated birthday present, i absolutely love the belt n the special buckle!

Tues nite had practice for Sat's gig, then had KFC w Meiqi at sing post while waiting for the rest to finish their prac. apparently CK, reid, julia, valerie, yuhong n jason went to Hongkong w Boon for 4 days, n they'll be back on sunday. So Shoik lah, wish i could still go on such overseas trips with them.

Watching Darah w amelie later tonight after work, cos sat she can't make it n has to visit some friends or something. Sat gig reporting time is 4 pm, so quite early also lah. its 2.30 now, another 4.5 hours to do some decent work n then meet amelie at plza sing for dinner n movie. damn, my eyes are closing, i'm sleepy n lethargic.. no motivation to finish my work at all. sigh. but no choice lah, got to do up my stuff n send out some documents by today. oh well at least thank God today is already Thursday, just 1 more working day till the weekend!!

Feeling a little out of touch..

Nothing really much to update, except that Lena and her boyfriend have broken up, Amanda and her boyfriend broke up and she's now with someone new, Sebastian got attached, etc etc.. Nowadays at this age, all i'm hearing about are pple get attached or breaking up or getting married or worse, getting divorce.

I feel so out of touch with my friends, really. I don't get to meet up with SF pple n play gigs as often as I'd like to, I don't meet up with BK clarence n the guys to play LAN games anymore maybe except once every 3 months or so, I don't meet up with my old pals like christine or yongqiang at all, maybe like once every 6 months? Its quite sad n a little disturbing to know that work life takes away time spent with friends and family.

It could be that I really need a vacation. Not just a weekend getaway, but a really long vacation, maybe take leave for a whole week to chill up and catch up with friends. Of cos i still spend lots of time with Joan, and we've really been able to work on our relationship, n we haven't quarrelled for quite a long time, amazingly. Or at least the quarrels are small and minor n usually over in 15 mins.

Anyway i'm quite excited for a few things:

1) Mambo at zouk tonight w clarence, michelle, amelie, junyi, etc.
2) Chijmes dinner with family and cousins tml night at hog's breath cafe, probably followed by drinks or something
3) Friday KTV with SF pple after cell group, prob gonna sing till 2 am at least
4) Saturday don't really have anything planned, except for a music practice w Genieve, the guest violin player. I really wish my brother were here, it seems that my brother n i have literally the same or very similar taste in music, n we often really flow with each other when it comes to making music. hahaha.. but i guess sat is always fun meeting up with joan n spending time together w her.
5) sunday we got dance practice at the airport after expo svc, after which i'm gonna rush home to teach clarence, sweekeng, mikki n michelle the MJ dance for beat it, for the birthday party opening act! its only a 3 hour long party, n i've spent like days organising it. hahaha.. but i can't help it, i like holding big events and celebrations with friends! haha..

then after this weekend, next weekend is also filled with activites:

1) sharlynn's wedding at 11 am, probably gonna take up the whole day cos we need to reach by 10 am to prepare (or maybe even earlier!)
2) STOMP performance at esplanade on sunday afternoon at 2 pm! which reminds me to get the tickets from YQ, and to attend sat svc w Joan too

so many things to plan and prepare, its a hectic but fun month of october! hahaha..