really sick n tired of everything.. God help me..

Dear Lord,

feeling really tired now.. emotionally, physically, spiritually... just don't feel like doing anything except listen to music n play games.. actually i like to study but it really sucks going to sch with no friends around me... haiz.. sorry Lord i'm such a disappointment in sch, i really don't kow how to shine in sch for you.. everything i ever do seems to be such a mundane thing... i don't really find enjoyment in what i do.

i used to be so on fire, i used to really want to serve You and be a cell leader.. but now i think that dream is dead, and i really need to move on..

i'm getting tired of always trying to do the right thing.. that day when i didn't go for service, its like all hell broke loose. i dunno whats wrong with the cell group, but i pray that You bless n anoint each n everyone of them.. that they have a better chance n a better hope of loving You and spending time with You and knowing You in a much more intimate way than me...

Not becos i can't be bothered to.. but becos i'm in a pity party or whatever they call it. i'm really sick of Christians behaving like everything is always alright.. like everything that happens is really no big deal.. well i guess thats becos they got more faith in You than i do. thats no reason to put me down. i hate pple who think they're better than me. who the hell gives them a right to nag n tell me what to do... if they first don't show a good example?

i've stated before time n again. respect must be earned. yes, God gives us salvation becos He first loved us, n He is to be glorified n respected n worshipped above all. but excuse me, you Christians are not God. You may try to look n think n act like Him, but you're a far cry from the expression of God's love.

Everyone's getting married next year!

Dear God

Thank You for letting me have such a wonderful last week of holiday. i really enjoyed the sentosa outing with my cell group n zone members n even the new friends. but i'm really sick now, n i suppose its my own fault for indulging in secret sins..

Forgive me for committing sinful acts against this body which You gave me. for hurting the pple around me again n again, for making comments that drip of sarcasm instead of love. for doubting n scorning pple when i should be having faith in them.

God i can't believe taht so many of my friends are going to get married next year, some of them even younger than me, and i'm not even attached yet! its ridiculous. maybe i did make a mistake to take this vow. afterall, Joan n i are really close right now, though not a couple officially, i think we're so emotionally attached it makes little difference.

Yes i know its wrong, but i broke my vow already, what else can i do? fix it? once something is broken, its awfully hard to fix it again. of cos You can do anything cos You're God, n the bible does say i can do all things thru Christ, but then again, what is the point of renewing n renewing my vow?

God i've been on vow ever since phoebe broke up with me. i can't even remember when is the exact date, but i know that old wounds have healed. i can't really get along with her now, cos i think her character is really disgusting n she has chosen a worldly loser instead of You, so i have no sympathy for her. but anyway i have really found happiness with Joan this past few months. since 2005, Joan n i have been close. i've been on vow since 2002. its already 2006 now, 4 years have passed n i have nobody to really be close to. its really hard being single. especially for me.

i know i don't have the holy spirit with me anymore becos i can't write songs for You anymore. last time, biblical lyrics were sprouting out of my mind, ideas for songs n other creative arts were so easy for me to come across, but recently, the creative department in my mind is like a dessert.

i'm so sorry i might have led someone on. its unfair to her that she's popping in n out of wrong relationships, while all the time i've been close friends with her, telling her that the right guy is going to come along soon, when i'm in a relationship with girl whom i am not attached to, sounds complicated right?

what ever happened to " you love me. i love you. thats all. fullstop." kind of romances?

i'm tired Lord. physically drained, emotionally tired, n sick in the body. sometimes i think i want to get sick cos i don't want to get well n face the world. where problemes n bad circumstances lurk around every corner, waiting to get me down n frustrate n discourage me.

give me strength to cross this water. give me strength to get thru this life.

in Jesus name,
Amen.

by the way, that 24 hour of prayer over singapore thing, i just don't feel like doing it. so what is there's 24 hr prayer over singapore? prayers of hypocrites, liars, backstabbers, and "Christians"?they may pray so earnestly n yet not produce any fruit in their lives. they are not even relevant to society. prayer n fasting works, yes, but faith without works is dead. praying alone isn't going to accomplish much. praying up a storm with a bunch of christians isn't quite the same as pumping in billions of dollars into charity organisations, like the Billgates Foundation. he isn't even christian, yet he's being so nice n doing so much humanitarian work. don't tell me he isn't going to heaven? i don't think its fair if thats the case. but then again who am i to comment n judge, i'm just another human being. just one of the 6 billion or so pple on the face of the earth.

can i make a difference? of cos anyone makes a difference. its just how significant or how great a difference a person makes.

i want so much to make a difference for You, yet i sometimes seem so selfish as i want to pursue my own desires n my own purposes which are contrary to Your desires. what can i do to make me love You more so that i will sacrifice n kill n slay the flesh so that i can communicate with You in spirit n in truth?

Dear God... once again i've reached rock bottom... n You were there

Dear Lord

Its 1.33 am in the morning on 12 august 2006. The past few days n weeks have been terrible for me. I've been wasting away my holidays sometimes, doing so much at other times, believing in You for miracles sometimes, throwing away my faith in childish bouts of sarcasm at others, trying to do the right thing or telling pple how God is moving in my life, n at other times feeling so low n sinful n bitter than I almost regret ever committing myself to You.

But above all, thank You.

Thank You for not giving up hope on me time n time again. Perhaps You are a more forgiving n merciful God than what people perceive You to be. I've felt so loved n accepted by You even when I do wrong things n am so afraid to repent n to face You again. Your wrath has never been so overwhelming that I am unable to move on afterward. Your forgiveness and grace shall not be taken lightly by me ever again.

What is it tat I gain from sin? A moment's pleasure and compromise or forsake an eternity of God's goodness?

God help me remember all You've done for me, all You've promised me, all the hopes n dreams n visions that You've in store for me. Remind me all the time, when Christians let me down, when circumstances get too tough for me, when things seem to be crumbling around me, when pple get me really angry n i just want to fight back... remind me of You. Let me have the fear of the Lord.

I don't want to ever scold another vulgar word in my life, or utter a curse on purpose. I never want to look another website that'll bring temptation n corruption into my life. I never want to let You down.

Give me a fresh clear vision. What I should be doing, what I need to do, when I need to do what I need to do.

Lord, I didn't fast today cos its so difficult to explain to my mum what i'm doing. I will fast another day this coming week to "makeup" for today. But eventually I come here to pray. And later i will pray somemore in the bath, in my room, on the bed.

Like the song Flights of Fancy, the chorus goes "And I miss you that much"... God, I miss Your presence. Jesus, I miss knowing You n the revelations that You used to share with me. Holy Spirit I miss Your anointing, Your peace n Your silent but powerful presence in my life. Fill me once again Lord.

I want to lead Your pple. I want to write powerful songs of worship. I want to be the best lawyer in the marketplace. I want my family n friends to come to Christ. I want to do so many things... But above all, I want to know You for who You are.

I need You in my life.

At the end of the day, at the end of the charade, of the false gloating n looks of confidence, after all has given way to the night.. I realise I miss You the most. Not Joan, not my ministry, not my friends, not anything else.. but You.

I have come back to worship at Your feet Lord. I need You..

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen

I don't need you to teach me what to do

Another shithead just smsed me something totally annoying.

Thanks for sending such "caring n encouraging" pple to me.

All i did was put this sentence on my msn for a few minutes "Sick of some christian pple." Does it warrant a backlash of comments?

If you're so fucking dissatisfied with what i say then don't read it. its not my problem that you take offence at what i write. you got a problem with it? too bad. life sucks, and so do you.

cell leaders nowadays don't really care. yeah sure, they're busy n have tons of things to do. as if i'm not busy n have nothing to do.

i'm really sick n tired of everything once again. to have Your pple disappoint me time n again. when i try so hard to do the right thing. stop pissing me off pls, you pple think you're so holy n stuff, why don't you look at the mirror before telling me something, you fucking hypocrites.

So sick of everything......

Dear God

I haven't updated my blog in a super long time, neither have I prayed or read the Bible for a long time.

Yeah true I just prayed on Sunday morning before going to sleep at about 1 am, but it was because I realised I haven't talked to You for so long. Why you ask? Simply becos i'm lazy? Or is it because i've been so bitterly disappointed by Your pple again n again? Becos life seems to be so mediocre, nobody cares about what I do right, everybody criticises when i do things wrong, old friends tend to become too busy to hang out or chat cos they're attached or worse, start to become a "leader" of some sort in church. too busy serving God to care about your friends. simply ironic.

I'm doing all I can on the outside, but i'm all screwed up in the inside. I wanted to go jamming today but it seems tat only sweekeng is interested n free. then shawn wanted a meeting at plaza sing. oh well, scratch the jamming session once again.

There's so many things i wanna do with so many friends, yet somehow i don't get around to doing them. there's many things i wanna do for God but never have to courage or ability to do it. i can't prioritise my life, i dunno what i'm doing. At this rate, i may become one of those successful lawyers with a seemingly good life, appear to be serving God n being on fire, yet feeling spiritually dry, indulging in secret sin, leading a lifestyle contrary to what i preach n portray.

I'm sorry God, for all the wrong things i've done. for the times i blatently chose to ignore you..

Have i turned worship into song worship? or do i still sing every word to You?

I have no idea now. i have no ambition now, i have no dreams for You, the dreams i have are nightmares.

I love Joan n i want to be with her in the future. yet somehow we're so close now its so wrong. N honestly i can't be bothered to fight the feelings anymore. i really don't want to care.. but i do. i know its wrong. n it hurts You that i break my vow again n again.

worse, i get feelings for others easily still. infatuations or crushes as pple call them. i've had this crush on a friend recently. actually not really recently, its been an on-off thing with her ever since the pre-U sem. haha.. sometimes i wonder, if i told her much earlier would we have ever had a chance together? but now its all history n she's nothing more than a friend. a witty, interesting, career-minded, movie-buff friend.

so tired of living a life for You... so tired of living a life that is a constant struggle.

But i will continue. even if it kills me.

In Jesus name,
Amen.