feeling kinda weird...

dear Lord,

1st of all, thanks for the wonderful strikeforce dinner! i really love this ministry, the pple there are fun n God-loving, everything is just so energetic n unity is so strong in the ministry! i pray we'll always be this strongly united, n move on to the next level of skills n creativity for God!

but anyway jus wanna say sorry for all the constant temptations to sin.. n for falling to some of the urges to sin. forgive me n help me renew my mind in Christ! i want to live for You n nothing else, to satisfy Your will for me in my life, not my own selfish will!

also pls save me from all the temptations that i'm going thru.. i know it is perfectly possible to have plainly platonic relationships with girl friends, i have several close sisters-in-Christ, but pls let me not like any other person, or stopping to think about how come i'm still single when i can easily get a girlfriend. its been pretty amazing how i've been able to control myself, with the grace of God no doubt, that i've yet to "make a move" on anyone that i like this year. actually to be honestly about it, i haven't even really liked anyone yet since 2005! n i thank You for that! help me remain focus on You, n stop playing around. like i always say, we're in a battle here, spiritual warfare, i can't afford the time or the effort to be wasted chasing material things, or even chasing girls.

so i pray Lord You continue to help me set my eyes on You only, to remember my mission in life, to remember my dreams n visions for 2005!!

yes its true, sometimes i do miss the feeling of being with someone. its just so romantic n i dun even know how to describe it, being together with someone whom u love n loves u in return. i think You know what i mean right? i wonder if Jesus ever loved someone while He was on earth? probably not, cos He already loved the world so much n so equally, i don't know if He would understand what i'm talking about. but God is supposed to know all things right? sometimes i really wish i can break out of my vow n just go n chase n date girls, harmlessly in the name of fun. but then again, i know myself that to date someone is to invite commitment, to invite expectation n to be involved directly in that person's life. i shouldn't be forcing my way into the lives of other pple unless i intend to share the gospel with them! hahaha.. afterall, its Your plan whom they should be living by, not by feelings or emotions. even for myself, i wanna stop living my emotions n feelings!! help me stick to the decisions i've made, if not i'm not a Christian at all, if i don't do the things i say, i'd be no morre than a hypocrite, a pharisee, a sinner.

help me God, i don't wanna be alone, i don't wanna be lonely. i know You're always with me, thanks for the promises of God!

in Jesus name,
Amen

what a busy day! thanks for a great day at school!

dear Lord,

there's really so many things to give thanks for today! for the great tutorial i had in school, for the bible study session with kenneth n pak tao, for the breakfast n lunch with jessie, for the game with my cousin wai kit! today i finally feel that i've managed to truly live a life that is befitting of a child of God! practicing guitar, teaching disciples the Word of God, as well as earthly wisdom! n even managed to spend time with my family n drive the new silver toyota Altis! soon when my dad goes overseas to work, it'll be mine! hahaha... but of cos, i know its You who gave me all these blessings, cos i put You first in my life! its truly amazing what i can do in one day with the blessings of God, compared with a week of struggling to survive on my own strength!

regarding my cousin, i still haven't really gotten an answer from You whether or not to continue teaching her. please tell me what i should do.. cos i really have no time to give her tuition unless she wants me to, or makes the effort to contact me for tuition. currently i feel that she is really not interested at all, so i won't bother to teach someone so unwilling.

God i think the bible study today was a bit too short, cos pak was rushing for time, n i was a little bit too fast in my speech, i pray that the next bible study will be better, with more substance, n more of the Holy Spirit filling the house when we meet togehter to study Your Word!

Father, help me think of creative ideas for a game for cell group tml! i really pray that tml's cell group will be a really powerful one, where You will show up right from the very beginning, from the games, to the praise n worship, to the preaching of the Word, to the offering n ministering! let each n every cell group member be so powerfully impacted by the message, from the young believers to the older mature members, Father i pray that You use the message, the very 1st message of the year 2005, to bring great changes n challenges into our lives!

Also regarding new friends, Father i really want to bring a friend for service in Jan, n there's only a week left! i haven't really been reaching out aggressively, think its about time i really start to work hard on reaching out, to my law friends, to my tuition kids, to everyone n anyone who crosses my path! i really pray that pple like john, sweekeng, jiaqi, who have come n gone infrequently, would make up their mind to stay grounded in the church n believe in You totally!

Think i better start brain storming for a good game for tml, really pray tat You anoint my hands for the guitar playing tml, let me be able to flow so well with You n the Holy Spirit, that my skills will be fully utilised, that everything will go so well tml! i trust You totally, i'm not worried or scared of making mistakes. rather, even if i do make mistakes, i trust You to take care of me thru it all.

I pray all of this in Jesus name
Amen!

Had a lot of fun today! Thank You Lord!

dear heavenly Father,

wow really had such a wonderful day today! i really thank You for such a good time with my cell group members! and also for hanging out with all the fun law pple!

Thanks for the timely financial blessing from my aunt! i really needed it! there's really so much things to do, so many things that will distract me from my primary mission in 2005, which is to be a CGL! help me keep that in mind no matter what i'm doing!

N i'm not just gonna be a normal CGL! i wanna be the coolest CGL in church, getting the best grades, leading in the Strikeforce and in Choir, breaking n playing keyboard for zone meetings, n blessing the cg members financially each week!

starting from this week, i'm gonna start to bless mikki. she's really cute n on fire for God, i believe she can be a very powerful leader in the youth of the cell group!

also, really enjoyed the company of clarence n mikki at his house, with delicious cupcakes n orange juice for my first breaking session! yippeee~! i wanna perfect my 6 step n come up with dance moves of my own, then go into a baby freeze, into a air chair. by end of Feb!! hahaha. i don't know if that's realistic planning God, but i sure am motivated to do it! i believe i can, in one night by the grace of God i already learnt 2 moves!

God i'm really in a bit of financial problem here.. i really don't wish to ask for any more money from my parents cos i feel i'm already old enough to manage my finances. due to bad budgeting, i'm once again left with only 17 bucks in my wallet n 1.67 in my bank account!! pls bless me financially, i need to get my textbooks n start studying. this is a year to really excel in my studies, n draw all men unto You by glorfying Your name in school!

Father really pray that u help me to reach out to pple like jiaqi n pak tao, cos i feel they are still not really that stable yet.

Today is such an ejoyable day, i pray everyday will be as fun as this!! hahaha...

Thanks for a great day of rest n relaxation Lord!

In Jesus name,
Amen

Thanks for everything God! What a great day!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today was really such a great n wonderful day! I totally enjoyed myself, although the day didn't start off too well, it was really a great time having the steam boat n playing games with the cell group members!

Yesterday i was quite down in the dumps, but nonetheless, in the end i still wrote a wonderful worship song for You, Lord! despite feeling discouraged n angry, i still prayed with an attitude of worship, n true enough, You showed up like You always did whenever I needed You!

Psalm 23, the Lord is the shephard, i shall not want. such a familiar passage of the Bible, yet noone has penned a song about it before. or maybe some Christian musician has, i'm not sure. yet i will always remember how You came to encourage n comfort me, when i felt down n blamed myself for not reaching out properly to the new friends. for eashwar, for dominic, for jeremy, for siqi, even for pple like jamie, meijuan.. my heart really cries out to them, i cry to You for their salvation, that they really soften their hearts towards You, that they really have a deep desire within each of them to know You more, for themselves. Lord, You know all things. really i've tried to do wat i needed to do, though i failed sometimes, its really frustrating to know that i've done so much but to account for so little.

nevertheless, i will never give up, i will keep sowing into their lives. unless of cos You tell me to move on by bringing more U1 n U2 pple into my lives. and that brings me to the next issue, about my cousin shuhui.

Lord i really don't know if i'm making the right decision. What is it that You want me to do? i really want to help her if i can, yet i really wonder, am i helping her at all? does she even want to accept my help? if she is willing, i'd really be ready to go all out to tuition her n teach her things in life, Godly values n bring her to church, but she doesn't seem the least bit interested in studying, nor in Christ. and the image she portrays really really puts me off. always talking about suicide n trying to be someone whom she is not. God i pray that You really cause her to wake up to reality n stop living in her own little fantasy world! You have so much better things in store for her, God i pray You use me or send someone into her life to tell her that. please tell me what i should do or shouldn't do. i never realised just giving tuition could be so spiritual n life-changing! i guess when you are a true believe, everything you do, you do it for God, even in earning finances.

and about helping Jessie with her phoneline, Father i really pray that You can use me to reach out to her once again. but more importantly, i do not wish to get distracted by her anymore. or get distracted by anyone else for that matter! i'm on vow, which i made to You, to love You n dedicate my youth for Your worthy cause for the best years of my life, until i'm 25 in 2007. help me to be so focused on You, that the things of the world grow strangely dim, the light of Your beautiful grace.

I have so much to do tml, but God i pray tat i know the reason why i'm doing all this. i pray for my family to get saved, for me to spend more quality time with my mother. to show her more love n care, to really be there for her n spend less time playing computer games, NO matter how bad i feel! i really have to learn to cope with emotional setbacks n bad times faster now, n immediately run to You instead of getting angry or depressed or emotional. i really want to know how to run to You, to rely on Your Word, Your strength, when things go wrong, i want my first reaction not to run away from You, but to run towards You!!

help me cope with my life Lord, there is really too much things for one man to handle.. thats why i need You in every moment of my life, to guide me, give me wisdom n strength, use me to speak the right word to the right person at the right time! God use me, i'm here as a vessel for You. take me into Your wings n rise me up above all circumstances!

thanks for Jiaqi n the other new frenz who are coming for service tml! i pray they will be so impacted, that their lives would never be the same again! as for jiaqi, i really wish to say the sinner's prayer with her before she goes back to australia, Father let this wish be done if it is Your will! she is really a special friend to me, like a little sister that i really love. i want to see her get saved n grounded in the Word before she goes back to australia. same thing for Aaron as well, he's a nice guy who's jus a bit shy. but i pray that You help me focus on reaching out to the right pple. without You i can do nothing on my own, but with God, nothing will be impossible!

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen!

Life is full of ups n downs isn't it?

Dear God,

Everytime i write here, i do so with the full assurance that nobody can read this except You, cos i really write some stuff here which i do not wish for anyone else to read.. for example, my secret crushes, my frustrations in life, etc..

I'm sorry God for not being able to conquer my flesh, and i still give in to certain wrong desires every once in awhile.. i really wanna repent and move on, there's still so much to do for You.. Yet i really feel so depressed especially by pple who play me out sp last minute! i don't get it, i've really tried my best to reach out to them, i really don't know what i'm doing wrong. i've done all that i can to be a friend to them, n what do i get in return? pple who say i'm harassing them! i can't believe it. if its not for Your commandments n Your will, i would have really flipped in anger last night. i really feel like shouting into someone, i don't have to take this kind of nonsense! i have a life, i have school work, and so much things to do, do you think i like calling you to get you to come to church?? God, sometimes really, i feel so rotten after being so nice to some pple n all they give me is attitudes like this..

thanks for Clarence n kenneth, who are so teachable n i really have no wish to scold them, but yet i have to when they show me that they don't really want to do something as simple as planning a game. i trusted them to do it , n thank God at the end they did manage to come up with a good game... thank You for small kenneth also, he's bringing a fren for steam boat tml! praise the Lord!

God there's so many things running thru my mind, godly things, worldly things, temptations, emotions, its like its a war going on in my head! i know what i have to do, the right things to do according to Your Word, cos i believe I'm guided by the Holy Spirit, and more often, its just pure common sense! i have to do the right thing, no matter how hard n difficult n unattractive the right thing is.

Father, You know that i really get emotional at times, especially when Jessie calls me n talks to me, even thru sms. i don't wish to do things out of obligations which i don't even have, yet i feel so much compassion for her, i can't help but help her in the only way i know how, the practical way. is it wrong to help out a fren in need? i don't think so right?

and everytime i am free i love to listen to love songs. i dunno why! especially chinese songs. and when i listen to them i think of Jessie n the times i sang KTV with her. i dunno Lord, why is it so hard to find the one for me? perhaps i just have to stop searching n really trust You to bring the right girl ito my life. n yeah, i know i'm still on vow for another 2 n 1/2 years, till 2007. i keep telling myself it isn't a long time, but honestly, i feel it is. i'll be 25!

God i'm gonna be 23 this year, and wat have i accomplished that i can show to You? what have i really done for You? being in ministry n reaching out to friends, yeah, i know i've did my part, but i'm still not satisfied. i wanna do so much greater things for You than just reaching out to a mere few souls now n then! i wanna be in thick of things, spearheading the battle in the world of politics, winning pple over to Your side. yet now i can't even handle a handful of pple, how can i ever achieve my dreams? I know i have to be patient, n i guess that's really what it means to live my life by Your Word, in Your will, to do only the things that You command me to, at the right time, at God's divine timing...

i was so encouraged by Pak! that's one guy who really reminded me of myself when i first got saved in 1999! hahaha...

i guess there's really 2 ways i can respond to every situation. either to panice n feel sad when things don't turn out the way i planned, or to keep in mind that God You're still in charge, n as long as i do my best, i can safely trust You in everything that i do, even if it turns out wrong, or turns bad, as long as I know that I've done it purely for You, not out of selfish ambition, i can trust You to handle the situation as only You can. to bring a bad situation n turn it around for Your glory! i really have to learn to deal with my emotions, Lord. i pray that You will discipline my flesh more n more, until i become totally submitted to Your will.

In Jesus name,
Amen.

i dunno... i enjoyed myself.. but why do pple have to make me feel guilty about it??!

Dear God,

No disrespect to You, but i really feel so angry and irritated right now. Its not my fault that i forgot about the performance right? in the 1st place i'm not even very keen on going for it, i didn't promise anyone that i'll be going.

i can't believe it, merely the 6th day of the new year n i start to get annoyed at pple, n start to annoy pple by not turning up when i should've.

can't i even take a break?? and enjoy my last few days of the holiday?

God you can see that i've been working n working n serving n serving n praying n praying for weeks... ever since my exam ended, i've done nothing but really to serve You and to take care of Your pple.. not that i don't find enjoyment n fulfilment in those things, i really do, and I'm really honoured that You let me take care of Your sheep, n i do really want to rise up to be a CGL this year, but is there no rest for the wary?

i don't get it. all i did was make some choices. i choose to be with some frenz instead of other frenz. i choose to go for tuition instead of supporting my fren performing at the esplanade. he didn't even personally invite me. if he did, perhaps i would've remembered better.

not to say he isn't my close friend. but c'mon, if he is really going to be less of a friend to me cos of such a small incident, then i don't really have anything to say anymore. n rosa is like, angry with me cos of this incident? let her be mad.. i'm getting mad at her too.

God i'm really trying to get my life in order n go do something right for You. why is it that i'm still making mistakes?? why can't i just enjoy life like evry other christian? i believe i can. but i gotta learn how to please You first rather than to please others. or even myself.

i felt so good going out with joan n mikki today.. felt like a kid again, with real friends.. i didn't have to worry about anything. i want that kind of feeling again God, jus living life for You, n yet still able to enjoy my life n be happy. n at the same time be able to reach out n do Your will also. is that possible??

i pray that tml outing with jiaqi will be a good one.. a chance for me to preach to her the gospel. haha... thanks Jesus, You are the best, You are the only One who really understands me, who will stand on my side when everyone else only knows how to accuse n make me feel bad...

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen!!!

First blog of 2005!

Dear heavenly Father,

Its really been such a great beginning for 2005! for the cell group, for my ministries, for everything actually...

Thanks for making 2005 such a good start for me!

gave my 1st BS to Pak Tao on rededication, organised 2 outings for the upcoming saturdays, got a proper meeting with my choir team, caught all the chingay movements in just one practice, got satisfactory results for exams, got into the same course as my law friends, etc...

Really its been such a blessing to have God 1st in my life! still remember getting ice cream at the cinema from total strangers! amazing! truly when 2 or 3 are gathered the presence of God is among them!

Lord, i have set all my plans n goals for 2005 n written them down. i pray that You will oversee all these plans n bring each n every single one of them to pass!

Indeed it is my desire to become a cell group leader in 2005, n i believe that whatever You said You will bring it to pass! You told me that in 2004, n i'm still praying that You reaffirm it to me soon... no matter how bad n unlikely that I seem as a CGL, i pray that as i seek You first, as i ask, i will find, and the door of promotion, will be opened by You. it has always been my desire, since 2003, to raise up as a CGL, but i always thought i was incapable of being one, tat i didn't deserve to be one, i looked at my weakness n faults n always felt so inadequate. But this year, i will try my best to read the Bible more, love You more, know Your will more clearly for me in my life, n really dedicate my entire life to serving You n serving Your people... Father i really love my cell group members, yet i not only want to love them n shelter them from the world, but i also want to teach them godly things, n how to draw near to You, to lead them into their destiny in Christ!

I really know now that nothing can be done by my own strength. cos many times, my heart n my strength they will fail, but God is the strength of my heart. of my own strength i really can do nothing, without You i am nothing, without Your anointing n Your power, my ministries are nothing. indeed, all i ever want in my life is to do Your will, nothing else. n if to do Your will, i need to glorify You in my studies, to cut myself off from bad relationships, to stay away from certain activities, i will do it, whatever it takes, as long as You provide me with the grace n mercy You promised to me in the Bible...

I want such an intimate walk with You this year, that whatever happens, my faith in You will never be shaken, no deaths or trials or tribulations or natural disasters can take You away from me. For, as paul says, what can seperate us from the love of God? nothing. that is the sole assurance i need to carry on living n loving You every single day of my life.

that every breath i take will glorify Your name. that everyday is another opportunity to draw closer to You, to feel Your presence close to me, to reveal more of Your will to me. that every sentence i say, every word i speak, every SMS that i send will be one that is anointed by You, filled with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. that when pple talk to me, they will sense something different, cos i walk with God. cos Jesus, You are the One who directs what i need to do, n say, n even think. let every thought be brought into captivity in Christ Jesus. Let me every word praise You, or glorify You in some way. i don't really know how to go about being a CGL, or what to expect. but i trust that You are there for me should i fall, You uphold me in Your right hand. You will never let me fall n be crushed, but i will only fall into Your loving embrace...

I pray for all the new friends.. Pak Tao, Siqi, Dominic, Meijuan, Xinyi, Eashwar, Jeremy (especially for him, that God You heal him right now in Jesus name from all fever n sicknesses) Jiaqi, Yongsheng, Peiling, Kenneth, Kheng Hua, Kiat, Sharon, and all those who came n left in 2004.. Father i pray that You use our cell group members, that You use me to speak to them, constantly encourage them, shower them with the love n care of God, help them in practical ways as well as to discern areas in their life which needs the healing of God to heal them emotionally, physcially n spiritually.

I lift up the evangelistic meetings into Your hands, let Your presence really pour out on the places where N280 members are! let our cell group be so united that nothing can come against us, cos the Bible says, if my God is for me, who can be against me? likewise, let every member in the cell group rise up to another new level of faith n courage n boldness n spiritual maturity in Christ!

thanks once again God for everything that You've placed into my life, for the great things that You are going to do thru me, for the great harvest that we are going to reap! Amen!

Father i pray for the flood victims, that You use this time as a chance to really touch their lives through the Christians who are there providing the relief n aid to the poor victims. I pray for our church leaders to know exactly what to do and to really be a light in the midst of the darkness. i pray that You really strengthen them, n let them know that they are there fighting diseases, fighting death, becos You have empowered them to do so, You will see them thru.

Thanks Jesus! In Your name i pray, amen.