haven't spoken a word to her in weeks...

dear God,

thanks for the great song n for the great time we had fellowshipping with surlina n her friends, with colin n joan n michelle n yongqiang, thanks for the free dinner, n for the chance to play for the wedding on saturday!

but dunno why, the moment i read jessie's blog, i feel so sad all over again, no matter how good i felt just mere minutes ago. i wonder how is she doing now? no doubt having lots of fun with all the guys chasing her. haiz.. really got to stop thinking of her anymore n move on with my life. which, by the way, isn't my life anymore but totally dedicated to You!

seeing YQ n liping, n joan n colin getting together quite soon, i feel kinda lonely. yeah i know i got You with my always, i shouldn't complain. anyway its me who agreed to go on vow for 3 years till 2007. oh God, it seems so far away! n You know me well God, You should know i'm the kind of person who really yearns for a soul mate, for companionship. yeah i know its maybe quite immature of me to think of this kind of things, i should spend more time studying n serving You in ministry, or reaching out to new friends, n everything.. spend more time praying n studying the Word of God. i don't want to be ruled by my emotions, i want to be ruled by the will of God.

having lots of friends doesn't take away the pain of losing a close friend like jessie...

i really hope n pray that she will still be friends with me. just friends n nothing else. but more importantly, i pray that she will turn back to You n not to the material things in life for comfort, that she will totally devote her life to You once again.

i also pray for Eunice, that she get the RnD job that she so desires.regarding the loan of $500, i really don't mind lending her the money first, but i understand her desire to be independent. God, please help her financially n be there for her when she needs You, i know You are a God who answers the effective fervent prayers of the righteous.

God i'm tired of struggling with constant sin. i want to live a life fully committed to You, mind body n soul. Jesus, i want to have a living relationship with You, one with love and satisfaction, not fear n condemnation. right now, i feel really bad about everything. especially my studies. if i fail, i'm going to be the laughing stock of my friends. serving God so much until i neglect my work. God i just pray for an average of Cs, to pass this semester, thats all i need. help me to be more hardworking! slay the laziness in me!!

finally Lord, help me to stay true to You n my vow to You. i want so much to chase someone, to love n to be loved. when i was together with Huimin for 3 years, no doubt there were bad times, but most of the time was almost like heaven. there's really nothing more important in the world than love. haiz...

guard my heart n my mind from temptations oh Lord. let me focus on what i need to do, what is right, what is noble n righteous. lead me into my destiny in Christ!

in Jesus name i pray
Amen.

i don't understand why i miss her so much...

dear Heavenly Father,

first of all, i really should be sleeping now, so i pray tat You give me the strength that i need to finish up this prayer...

i really ought to learn how to control my flesh n stop habitual sinning against You. i'm deliberately tempting myself sometimes, i think. help me wash my mind clean so I can serve You with a clean conscience tml at service.

just now finally had a super short talk with jessie. well, didn't really talk lah, just exchanged info cos i really didn't dare to talk to her anymore. God, why is it that i miss her so much? my heart really aches each time i happen to think of her. we were.. really close once. i don't know if she really actually loved me, given her behaviour of being so close to guys normally, but one time i do know.. is that she is really the only one i have ever liked since i broke up with my ex-gf 2 years ago.

God i pray tat You deal with all my feelings n emotions, n keep them subject to Your will. i feel like i can collaspe the moment i let go of You, cos i really have gone thru some heartache n bad times these few months. yes, i know there were good times too, but the bad times were hard to forget. esp the fights i had with jessie...

Oh Lord, i wish sometimes that You can wipe out the memories from my mind, wats the point of keeping all those memories knowing that they'll all be nothing but mere memories?

she thinks i'm out flirting n chasing other girls. haha, if only it were tat easy to forget her.

but i don't want to care about such trivial things. i prefer to be busy doing Your will, so keep me busy God. i have so much things lined up in december, all the way till Jan 2005. so i doubt that loneliness n such negative feelings will get much of a chance to surface. but if they do Lord, know that I've given my life to You, do to me as You will. i don't care about my own life n ambitions anymore, i just live to do Your will...

give me the strenght n anointing i need to serve You in an effective way tml Lord. i love You, and will continue to grow closer n closer to You everyday. thanks so much Jesus!!

In Jesus name,
Amen

finally able to access my blog!

finally can write the stuff i need to write! really frustrating last night, kept trying to log in but cannot... anyway, there's so much to write, but i'll begin with a written prayer.. always begin n end the day with a prayer. =)

******

dear Heavenly Father,

thanks for all the great times tat i've had this week! even as my exams draw closer n closer, n the studying gets more intense, You have never failed to fill my life with interesting stuffZ! hahaha.. wanna give You thanks for allowing me to play in yet another gig!

first of all, also wana say sorry for mumbling about justinn, cos after all we are all human, we all make mistakes.. she really is a very nice motherly person in the strikeforce! hahaha.. i will learn to appreciate pple like her more, n give her the respect she deserves..

also wanna say sorry n repent of what i did earlier today n for the past 3 days.. haiz. its really a very bad habit that i must really kick!! i know You are faithful n just to forgive me no matter what i did. but i wanna move on n stop sinning wilfully!! i want to serve You in greater ways, yet i can't if i don't have a break thru. or as eunice said, a break-from! a break out of my old fleshy habits n sins..

thanks for the notes n help from my law friends n yongji! i know You placed him there to help me always in my time of need!

oh man, really shoudn't watch horror movies when i know i am gonna get scared at night! hahaha... but anyway i pray by Your Word that You have not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power and a sound mind! Amen! just wana brush out all thoughts of the show n concentrate on praying this prayer to You...

God, i pray for my mother's salvation in 2004. barely a month till end of the year n she still isn't saved. Shashi's revelation that she'll get saved soon, i pray is one that will come to pass!

i also pray for my coming exams! i really need the wisdom n grace of God to get thru both papers,cos i know that as i seek 1st the kingdom of God and His righteousness, all things shall be given unto me! that is also another very important reason why i cannot afford to walk in sin n have the Holy Spirit leave me, cos i really really need Him right now!

Lord i pray u take command over all my activities in Dec, n that everything i do will bear good fruits for You! there's so many things i need to plan n organise n do, yet i am rather confused at which takes priority. so i pray that You speak to me about the desires of my heart, what i really want, n what You really want from me. i really want to do Your will!!

also regarding BGR, especially jessie.. i pray that You really speak to her n use pple to speak into her life.. i can no longer communicate with her cos our r/n has soured so much it has become bitter.. kind of sad, but i would rather lose a friend than lose my destiny in You. help me to keep my vow to You n stop liking girls so easily!

as Christmas is coming, i pray that i do not get too busy to really celebrate Your birthday Jesus! i don't want to be too busy serving to worship n really take the time to pray n seek You, n love You n enjoy Your presence. cos it is really we who are the reason that You came to earth n gave us Your life at the cross.. that is something i must learn never ever to take for granted. i don't want the feeling of loneliness, which creeps up on me every christmas!! Lord please, help me stay focused.. i want to feel loved so much by You that not having a gf will seem such a minor minor thing.. i want to have that tender 1st love for You, for the fire to be rekindled, so i can love You and serve You with a greater passion in 2005!

thank You for all the gifts You gave me, the great friends, the great ministries, the great trip to Israel, the great times with my cell group.. but most importantly, thank You for all the times You spoke to me n showed up when i was praying. Thanks for all the times Your grace n perfect timing really touched my heart n changed my life, changed my attitude towards certain issues in my life. i pray that You can still use me to serve You in the area of cell group ministry... cos although i know that i can serve in so many areas, music, etc, i really have a heart to shepard Your sheep... i know i am so ill-prepared n i don't have the Holiness n spiritual level to lead Your sons n daughters yet. so i will keep drawing close to You until You shape me n mold me into the man You want me to be.

this year has been such an exciting year in the end! i thought it would be a worse year than 2003, but Your Word is the truth, that we move from glory to glory, running the good race, drawing ever closer to the perfect day. things really turned out much better than i ever expected. but nevertheless, i cling on to You as my hope n my salvation, i know evrything in my life would not have been possible if You didn't will it to be. my family, my studies, my exams, my cell group, my relationships, my talents n abilities, my dreams n desires.. i lay them all down at Your feet Lord. all i want to do is to love You n worship You!

give me the strength n wisdom to finish up my studying tml, n also to play every beat to perfection tml at service! i don't want to shortchange the church. i don't want to embarrass the ministry, but let me glorify You at the praise song item!

also wanna pray for all the new friends to come for this weekend cell group n service!! for jiaqi, wudi, sharon, weide, sunshine, clarence, kenneth, nic, dominic, rebecca, victoria, agnes, jessica, hank, sunny, weisheng, grace, and all the others who came n left.. God! we won't them leave without a fight! we will pray all day n all night for their salvation n change of heart, that they will really have an encounter with You that will change their lives forever!! God i really love them so much, like my little brothers n sisters, i can't bear to see anyone of them backslide! Jesus please help me to speak to them, soften their hearts, prepare them for the great harvest this coming Christmas! its all about You, Jesus, and Your will is for them to be saved! help me do my part Lord, i wont want to take their lives carelessly. i want to intercede for them in every way that i can.

I pray that You guide me for my day later, my every action, my every thought, let it be subject to Your Word.

in Jesus name i pray,
Amen!!

dear God thanks for everything!!

dear God,

really thanks for a wonderful weekend! no doubt i slept like a log today until 4 pm, but all the hard work is worth it! haha!

just finished writing a very long letter to eunice ding. hope she reads it soon n that her mail doesn't get too jammed with junk mail to receive it! spent like 1 hour plus just typing that mail. but anyway God, that task which u ask me to do is like impossible!! i don't have that much money with me! even if i had, i wanna use it to buy X'mas presents for my beloved cell group members! haiz.. but nevertheless, Your will n not mine be done. i will try my best Lord.

i pray for healing cos my skin is really worse than before. but i know its also my fault. for sinnig wilfully against You again! argh.. help me stay Holy n sanctified always Lord. i don't want to keep sinning against You n deprive my chances of serving You in greater ways.

i'm gonna sleep soon, got to go to sch tml to study n get some notes. i pray You help me study the right things n remain so focus this exam period! and should i perform this weekend? i don't think i can, i need to study. help me God, i really am at a dead end now, either You help me in my studies or i do badly for my exams n end up disgracig myself n dishonouring You.

Good night Jesus, heal my body in a miraculous way tonight ok? hehz..!

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen!

This is my cry, my one desire...

Dear heavenly Father,

1st of all, thanks You so much for all that You've done for me, n allowed me to do! thank You for all the friends who i've invited n said yes to come for service this weekend! truly, You will answer the cry of our prayers, however impossible it may seem! thank You Jesus, You are really a keeper of Your Word!

Also aside from the friends, thank You for giving me such a wonderful opportunity to play in the strike force! You know that i like a girl in the strike force, but its ridiculous cos she is really too young for me, n besides, I'm still on vow! so i pray that You help keep me from temptation once again, n really focus on the new friends and the follow up in the coming week..

This brings me to my prayer requests for today. its really gonna be quite short, cos i need to sleep. =P

Father, i pray that the old friends n back sliders will come back to Jesus this weekend, that they will hear the message n it will touch their hearts, not becos its a good message, but becos God You are speaking to them.. i pray that the moment they say yes to coming to church, that their hearts begin to soften, n that they will enjoy the whole SIS performance n carnival, n that they will give their hearts to Jesus at the end of the day. its not just the numbers that we want, its their salvation, the sake of their souls! i know i've not done my part by reaching out to them, but i pray that You are still able to use my last minute to really impact their lives in a very meaningful way..

God i pray for eunice loh, for fabian her bf, for mingfu, for wudi, for hank, for jessica, for victoria, for shuhui janice, for jonathan, for weihao, for dominic n nic, for jiaqi, for sharon n weide n sunshine, for weisheng n grace.. You've planted the seed in their hearts, so i pray that the seed has fallen on good ground, n that i'll soon get to see the fruits of my harvest. i've been reaching out to some of these pple for years now, not becos i need to, but becos i want to. becos i really love them as friends, as real sisters n brothers, even if they do not really feel the least bit close to me. i lift all of them into Your hands n pray for their salvation Lord.

finally God, i pray that You do a miracle for me, n heal my skin. its getting worse, n itchy n red everyday. i know its certainly my own fault, for sinning wilfully against u n aggravating the Holy Spirit. i'm sorry for all the nonsense n sin that i went thru, but i really want to crucify my flesh, n my thoughtlife, all for You Jesus. by Your stripes, i am healed! Amen!

i pray for good weather tml, n that everything will turn out fine n all games n rides function smoothly, n most importantly, for the service to be so full of the presence of God, that even new comers cannot help but feel the weight of His glory, n cry in Your presence.

i hope my cousin shuhui gets saved. i don't want to labour in vain! help me encourage her, n speak into her life revelations.

ok i'm going to sleep now. Thanks in advance for answering all my prayers, n i pray for a really great n powerful weekend, with thousands of souls saved, n many more impacted by Your Word, so they can in turn go back to their country to impact thousands more!

in Jesus name i pray,
Amen!

frustrations... i lost my Bible!

dear God,

thanks for a good tuition session n study session w Christine today. i really hope to bring victoria n her bf down for the big weekend on sat, n even christine as well. been reaching out to them for quite a long time liao, more than a year, but still no positive sign from them... i will try invite them again, n for christmas as well, but if they still don't want to respond to You, then i guess i will move on to other souls.. there's still so many pple waiting to hear the gospel!

nevertheless God, i have so much burdens n painful feelings today.. i put them all into Your hands right now.. n i know i haven't been a good faithful Christian... i have done so many wrong things this few days. yet i still want Your will to be done in my life. that is still the cry of my heart! no matter what happens around me, i still believe in You and Your will for my life, that as long as i put You first, You will always make a way for me. Your word says that God will never give me a challenge that I cannot overcome, that in trials and testings, God will always make the way of escape.

my escape is You Lord.

i come before You each time i fail n falter, each time i feel weak n the mountains of troubles of this world threaten to overpower me, You are my only shelter. You are my source and my salvation, nothing compares to You.

Lord, i know jessie has been hurt by me, and i am so sorry for that. indecisiveness on my part has caused it. but i pray that somehow, she will forgive me, cos i really want her as a friend. we have shared such close intimate relationship for the past 1 year, i don't want to lose what we have built up. but if it is Your will that she move on in her life in a different direction from me, then let Your will be done on earth. if our friendship is not meant to be, then i won't fight against Your will. but i pray that You help both of us, send your Holy Spirit to comfort n guide us, cos we are both hurt by what we have done. Even for myself, as i serve You in ministry n reach out to the lost, i know in my heart that You are not happy with me for certain matters in my life, which i have handled wrongly.

I'm sorry God. i'm sorry i messed things up again.

please forgive me and help me change my ways. i don't want to be a slave to my flesh anymore, i want to be a slave for Jesus!

there's barely 2 months till the end of the year. Lord, please let me end the year well, not with bad relationships n wrong sins, but with a new passion n desire to serve You in even greater ways than before.

guide me in all my thoughts Jesus, i surrender my thought life into Your hands. provoke me to cast aside all sinful thoughts! give me strength to fight the temptations in me! oh God, i am so angry with jessie, after all i've done for her, she writes about me like i'm some kind of monster! yet i know that in certain things, she is right, i still have a bad temper, i still have insecurity, i still have many faults. n these faults i pray, i lay them at Your feet Lord, do to them as You will. i have the boldness to enter the Holy of Holies, with the Holy Spirit as my guide, with Jesus as my lawyer, with God as my Father, what else do i still need??

i choose to forgive jessie n love her no matter wat she says or thinks about me. i don't matter, but You do. i shall not care about the matter any longer than i need to, cos i want to do Your will always. tat means reaching out to new friends, inviting them for service, preparing the cell group events well, managing my ministries well, and studying for the exams! Lord, please give me the study tips n question spotting skills that i need! i don't have much time to study, i pray You take away all the laziness n tiredness away when i need to study, n multiply the little time tat I have!

i'm too afraid to proclaim tat i can make it to the Dean's list anymore, cos i know that You gave me a challenge which i could jolly well overcome, but it was my own laziness n conceitedness tat prevented me from living in Your glorious will. i'm sorry Lord, please let me start afresh next year n do things right for You.

time to get serious with You, n stop living in sin n carnal mindsets. God i'm stepping out of my comfort zone for real, n i'm going to soar on eagles wings with You! i don't care what anyone thinks anymore, i'm only going to listen to You and Your Word. i really need my Bible back, so please God, i promise NOT to lose it ever again, if i can get it back tomorrow or wednesday.

i pray You help me to bring at least 4 friends for the big day this weekend. not to make up the numbers, but to really impact and change their lives. i haven't done much to reach out this few months Lord, so i will know for sure it is You who brought them, if You do let me bring 4 pple this weekend. I pray for victoria and her boyfriend, for Rebecca, and for Christine. Don't let me lose sight of their salvation, please remind me constantly of my primary duty, to reach out n spread the gospel!

Thank you so much, i feel much better just writing to You! i know You will answer my prayers, cos the effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much! i sense Your presence as i am typing this out, I know You are with me right now, to touch me and change my life. thanks you Jesus, thank you so much, i love You forever.

In Jesus name,
Amen

prayer requests!

dear heavenly Father,

thank You for all that you've done for me in my life, sending the right pple to encourage me, giving me encounters with the Holy Spirit occasionally, givig W173 the growth it needed, seeing all those young pple full of the Holy Spirit n fire of evangelism really inspires me...

There are some things i wish to put before You now Lord, n i pray that You will bless these things, becos i have put You first in my life, n You said in Matthew that if we seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, all these things will be given unto us. so i claim the promises of Your Word, n pray for some things which i really need Your help..

Firstly, i need a big miracle for my studies. i know i've been skipping lectures n its wrong, n You won't reward me for doing the wrong things. i know i've been really lazy this semester, but I promise i'll work harder next sem. and its also partly cos of my bad habits of staying up late every night, n talking late on the phone with jessie.. but all this is going to change now.

Secondly, i pray that You give me the grace for me to work properly in ministry. i have 3 ministries, n i can't balance them properly, it gets very frustrating knowing that You have placed pple in my life to help them n guide them, but i have not done a good job.. esp in cell group.. cos i'm really too busy with choir n strike force stuff. help me to do things the way You want me to, n not how I want to. cos i only like to have fun at the expense of other things, n that is such a wrong attitude in my life, i have to struggle to get to cell group even at times, n that is so wrong... regarding the new friends, i pray that i can impact them more, Holy Spirit help me discern more, n disciple pple like kenneth n clarence, teach them how to know You more n walk in Your truth always...

Finally, n most importantly, i come before You n say sorry for all the wrong things I've done this year, which is really a lot... Your Word says You will be faithful n just to forgive those who trespass against You, if only I turn away from my evil ways.. I really pray that I can give up all my bad habits n bad attitudes, n learn to be more n more like Jesus everyday. learn to lean more on the Holy Spirit, stop using my carnal thinking n giving in to my flesh...

Hope tat this prayer gets answered soon, n i have faith to believe that God, You are please with my decisions, and You will give me the desire of my heart. I love You more n more each day, i simply love to worship You, in quiet time, or in cell group, it doesn't matter, as long as You show up. I want to know Your will for me so badly, so i can move my life in the right direction. I love to serve in choir and strikeforce, i have good friends there n feel accepted, but more than all this, i want to live in Your will.

So i lift my life into Your hands n pray that You watch over me in everything i do, keep me from temptation n give me Your grace to do what i cannot do on my own.

In Jesus name,
Amen.

finally told her wat i needed to tell her...

well, its was tough, i got the reaction i expected to get, but i needed to do it, n it needed to be done fast.

i don't feel bad about saying it cos i had to. i know it'll hurt jessie, but i have to do whats right, not what feels right. living by my feelings is wrong, i need to live by the Word of God, n my conviction.

she'll probably forget me in an instant anyway n move on. i don't believe someone who doesn't love God can actually know the real meaning of love. for my side, i doon't feel anything, which i dunno is good or bad. i know my heart will sting if i see her with another guy any time soon, but i have to trust God n lift everything into His hands, cos i know i can't handle r/n in the right way now.

whatever it is, jessie is a really nice n fun person to be with.. n she'll always have a special place in my heart, as the second person i have ever loved in my life, even though we never really got together at all. i hope she rededicates her life to God n be on fire for Him soon...

later gonna meet colin joan n millie, then got to go for jean toh's grandma funeral wake. i dun realy know jean well, but nevertheless, i will go cos God calls us to love one another, n at a time like this, she'll need all the love n support she can get. God, i pray u give her the strength n grace to get thru the whole thing, n grant me n vincent the right words to comfort her.

well! our cg is fially gonna multiply tml! Bless the Lord! i think i really need to work on my spiritual life, get closer with God, stop sinning habitually, n really change my life to suit His will. Not my will, but Yours be done, O Lord!

what am i doing...?

hmm, really dunno what i'm doing now man...

spent the last 2 days intensive studying with jessie at jurong library, been pretty fruitful, but then i think spending so much time with jessie.. well, it isn't right... since i dun really like her anymore. i guess i just want to spend time with her alone before we multiply CG n really head onto different paths...

anyway just got off the phone wif millie, a really nice girl forom strike force... she's not only cute, capable n adorable, she's a real spiritual person too, actually asked me to pray for her before we ended the conversation! haha! amazing.. tats the kind of girl i would like to date.. a seriously on fire christian, not some backslider... was helping her with some horror story, n talking about it made both of us kind of scared! haha! so she was listening to pst ulf sermon, while i was surfing internet n happytree friends to keep myself entertained.. haha! in the end, the story we came up with sounded really quite frightening, maybe can be made into movie liao! haha! but thing is, should i even be talking to her n stuff?

i asked her to study with me next week during her study break before her exams... hmm, i dunno, i think she's way too young for me, n she just treats me like a big bro, n i treat her like a little sister... but then again, better to be safe than sorry! maybe in 3 years time when i finish my vow, i'll be 25 n she'll be 20, then the age gap won't seem so obvious? hahaha...

anyway time to sleep liao... just wanted to remember the 1st conversation on the phone i had with millie, just in case it becomes significant! hahaha, one never knows...